Sickness and Restored Health

I know its been a long while since I've sat down to blog. Partly because I've tried to avoid how I'm doing. I guess that's due to the fact I somehow don't feel this is a safe place to be my most honest any longer and I wanted to wait until I felt safe here again. Dealing with how overwhelming this all is at times can be a test. As y'all know I've spent the past 16 days sick. Not being able to keep anything down everything going straight through me. I thought I had a virus the first 7 days then I suspected I had a bacteria I may have caught on my last 5K run I recently completed since a few of the obstacles where in NASTY pond water. Upon test results it revealed that I was just fine. Only left to the conclusion that Grief, Stress, and Emotional Distress caused my body to react this way. I lost 8lbs and almost became dehydrated and almost went to the ER for an IV. This was the first time anyone has been sick in this house since losing Nathan. I was literally stuck in this house for 16 days. I have never felt so suffocated my memories of my son in my life. The kids went to school leaving me alone to lay in bed. I wouldn't go into living room and sit on the love seat my son laid upon while being severely sick and dying. I couldn't walk by the kids bathroom where I spent some of his last moments with me. He was severely dehydrated and in a somewhat in and out of conscious state..eyes rolling back into his head almost passing out on me several times. And me saying "Nathan just stay with me." That phrase stays in my head and I laid in bed with it for 16 days. I wept many days cause I just needed to leave and my body couldn't. I started to hit a small depression knowing I needed to get out and not being able to as well as my body starving and wanting of all things chicken wings and Chili's Texas cheese fries, but was left with toast, water, and gatorade. Not being able to workout during this time killed my spirit to. Working out is more than a fitness routine for me. Its my stress relief, something I love and need daily. I'm indeed grateful for the friends who called and checked in with me, went to the store for me, and even bringing in a meal for my kids. No energy equaled no cooking so soup, sandwitches, and cereal was what was on the menu in our house. I can totally see how Grief can in time kill you. I say it like that because while your grieving your body is in such a deprivation state leaving your mental/emotional state to sink as well. Leaving your soul basically failing apart and over a course of time it could indeed kill you. At some point someone I think my mother suggest I get a preisthood blessing. I am at such a bypass with how I feel spiritually. The last time I asked for a blessing it was for my dying son. I honestly only had a pea size amount of faith that night and remember willing myself to completely rely on that. That Heavenly Father grants miracles all the time. Why not for my righteous son who was recently baptized? Course he would give me my son back. Not so much folks. Sometimes the great ones DON"T get the miracle. How nuts is that? So asking me to have faith in getting a blessing for healing when that lonely nite several months ago I asked and believed it would give me my son....it didn't. I have never in my life had my faith tested so much. I have seen miracles in my life. Saw my inactive father all of a sudden decide to become active in church when I was 15 and in a yr we were sealed. When I had almost lost hope that would never happen indeed it did. I have seen children who recovered quickly after receiving a blessing. And when I needed more than anything to have a MIRACLE in my life it didn't. So, i was hesisitant to ask for one, but I did. Again, I cried through the entire blessing remembering the words of Nathan's blessing having flashbacks of feelings I felt and prayers I was whispering while the prayer was being offered.  A few days later while in the shower thinking I had an impression to take the probiotic the Dr. insisted I begin the week earlier but didn't because I wasn't sold it would help knowing also it could make my stomach worse. The impression was so strong I got out of the shower quickly, ran to the kitchen and took the first pill. That evening I was able to keep a potato down and my stomach wasn't gurgling any longer. By Monday it was clear I was well. So, I think indeed impressions come at times we least expect. Does this experience restore the faith that was tested and diminished months ago? No..I think that's a process that happens over time not upon one moment. I hope I can get back to where I want those blessings but right now there's nothing but that one defining moment to where I asked and had the most precious thing taken from me anyway. While I was sick I did make myself get out for my Breaved Parents group that's 2x a month. I always walk away with mixed feelings but I do enjoy being in the presence of other mothers and fathers who are walking the same journey I am. Our children all passed at different ages and from different things, but we are all equals in the fact that for us our journeys are one in the same. We are learning how to heal our broken hearts and sharing bits of ourselves to help one another. Its amazing the strength that's in that room. Knowing what I feel they are feeling it or have at one time or another. Our Leader Janie shared this excerpt out of one of her favorite books with us and I'll end my entry with it.....
                                                              ~Heavy~
I thought I could not go any closer to grief without dying. I went closer and I did not die, Surely God had his hand in this, as well as friends...Then said my friend Daniel (brave even among lions), "It's not the weight you carry, but how you carry it--books, bricks, grief--It's all in the way you embrace it, balance it, carry it, when you cannot, and would not, put it down.
                                                                                                          Mary Oliver

Notes From Heaven...

I know its been awhile since I've updated this blog..I've been such a ray of different emotions the past few weeks. Trying to figure out which emotion I am that its hard seeing how I go through every end of the spectrum. Happy, content, angry,grief stricken, depressed, sad, overwhelmed, frustrated, boggled and then it starts all over again. Each emotion has a different realization with a different sort of acceptance has to happen each day. I don't know that I'll ever really be able to have COMPLETE and udder acceptance of the fact that my son is gone and these emotions are what I'll carry muddling through them for all the days of my life. Each one leaves behind a different sort of loneliness that Nathan's sweet smile is what I long to see. I find myself in the boys room laying on what was once both there bed and cry. The blanket that lays on Nicks bed is the one that our dear friend made with Nathan's clothes and smell them thinking and praying I can get a whiff of what was once my son's smell, but of course its been washed one to many times for it to still linger..that brings on another round of clothes. I look at the artwork he drew on the wall and wonder if I'll ever be able to paint over it since he used his intresting imagination on the RED wall. I don't know that I'll ever be able too..tears fall again as I wonder if that means I can't move on and leave this house that I so desperately need to be away from. Laying there brings on another realization that I'm laying in one of the last spots he laid in before he left me behind. When I had no idea that I was going to be saying goodbye to my life. Memories of that day have flooded my mind as I washed him and asked him to please stay with me. But he just couldn't because this is what was supposed to happen I suppose. I write this experience out because it has happened more than once. I have found myself walking to the boys room in the middle of the night hoping to find peace or something there but all I see is Nick sleeping alone....i always hope its soundly  with sweet dreams his way. As he sleeps in the bed he shared memories and secrets with his best friend. Today I was cleaning the kitchen's bill box out to rid it of old receipts and old check registers i have no use for anymore. I found the sweetest note from heaven in there....you can't tell me it wasn't heaven sent because I had forgotten such a note was ever written but I do recall seeing it long ago. It was a card Nathan drew that say I love you Mommy on it with written in his almost unreadable handwriting. On the inside was a heart with me and I in it. I just fell to the floor in tears and held this card like it was the most expensive piece of artwork. I knew it was meant for me to find today this day after having a week of crazyness in my life I needed to know how much my son that's no longer here loved me....I have often wondered if I did enough as his mother was what he needed me to be when he needed me. I didn't get a chance to tell him or hear those words and when I read that my heart was full..I was ENOUGH! Going to church has become so hard for me. Every song has a different meaning for me than it ever did and I end up in tears the whole 3 hrs. The kids have a primary program coming up and Natalie has a speaking part and I know I have to get the courage up to go and hear her...but that also means I have to hear the kids sing and hear a program that my son should be apart of. I just am filled with so much uncertainty of how that will go and I'll deal with that. I pray I can go I want to support Natalie. As I close this and end my night I am grateful for the sweet Note from Heaven...Oh how I do indeed love you to and miss you everyday sweet boy...MWAH!

Working Through It...

Hello world...its been awhile since I've blogged but I had sooo much going on the past little while. I've been on this wild emotional roller coaster that is this "single" mother of 2 kids. I say single because really the Army has made me a single mother. One that I despise daily but accept because I have to. Now you add the "brieved" parent aspect into and you have yourself a whole other load of labels. I HATE it I really do I think I do well at being the "single" mother but the brieved part I haven't figured out. I cry for no reason and I find lately I cry when its silent and I feel I'm in the shadows of this house that's WAY to over crowded with memories of my son that's no longer here. I'm reminded everyday from a song he loved on the radio..to seein his bike in my garage that just sits and is now collecting dust...to a small steralite plastic box that has everything from pictures, a shirt, and documents, plaster of his hand print, a few things he made, but none the less its everything from 8 yrs of a life that ended way to soon. I look at this box and think REALLY? This box and a few stretch marks on my stomach and that's it. Its over... I've hit an angry stage that I'm trying to work through and understand cause honestly I'm not a bitter angry person, but its feelings I'm trying to process. Angry I had to do this, bury a child one thing that I never expected I'd have to do and actually live through it with a bit of SMALL sanity. Angry that I'm impatient and feel snappy. Angry that I'm changing as a person and I don't know what that means and who that will turn out to be. Angry that as I'm changing others aren't and there expectations of me are staying the same. Only I'm not the same and that person they knew is dead and gone. I'm angry that some people will be able to walk this journey with me and some will not only becausew my life is now different and its to much for them which in turn for me is another loss I'll have to deal with. See...I'm discovering that with the loss of  my son has come the loss of parts of myself and loss of relationships I've had. Sometimes that feels almost sufficating and I panic..just sheer panic and I have to remind myself to breathe. I'm learning to be grateful for the friends that will be able to journey with me..and for there being able to change there expectations of me which I know at times will be hard, you guys are such lights in my life and keep me in a place that makes this journey able to be traveled. I went to support group last night and I cried the whole hr and 15 mins...it was one of those soul cleansing cries only my soul didn't feel cleansed afterward it only felt hollow, lonely, and utter exhausted. When i was offered the chance to express what it was that I was feeling i cried harder because honestly I had so much emotion I couldn't speak for a min. I've had pure panic this week that Nathan's all but forgotten. The boy who's smile lit up his eyes. The boy who'd ride his bike to the end of the street for the prettiest girl to escort her to school every morning...he got up extra early to do that because her mother would only let her ride her bike unless Nathan was with her. Now I cry as I remember this because he took that responsibility so seriously and never took it lightly that he was entrusted to get her to school safely. Tears are flowing again and they come rapidly as things about Nathan come to mind. As I sit and ponder why this had to happen to us. Why I had to be forever changed without my consent by one drastic event. In therapy today I came to the conclusion I have to let this event of losing Nathan be an ASPECT of my life that just is and process through it...NOT let it DEFINE me....

Closure or so I thought..

For 3 months I thought that designing and ordering Nathan's memorial headstone would bring closure for me or some sort of peace..sounds crazy huh. In fact the designing part brought me some sort of odd happiness. Giving my baby something beautiful with his name and things he loved on it. Something he can be known by other than just some piece of paper the funeral home left to mark the place he lays. I did give him something simple when in the beginning I had a flamboyant design in mind with huge light sabers that would at night light up. I think I went back to the drawing board 3-4x's cause nothing felt like him. He was a simple,reserved child who didn't require a whole lot and he deserves to be remembered as such not some showy art piece. What I ended with was what I think something rather beautiful that has all the things that he was and what he loved on it, but also in the end it didn't bring me the closure I thought it would. I put off for 3-4 days actually taking the check up to the monument place because of what the realization it would bring. I had complete feelings of dread and not that happy feeling I had while in the design process. The realization of how final this was and the fact that this is IN DEED real..heck its in stone now isn't it. Plain as day. Nathan Garrett Dennis March 22, 2004-June 16, 2012 if that doesn't place something final on it I don't know what does. Its a place of complete HELL! At least now he has something beautiful to mark his place instead of piece of paper that's now turned brown and wrinkled due to time and weather. This at least will weather well and hold up for at least 20 yrs or more. WOW did you read that... 20 YRS or MORE! I look at that and think really? I have.. it will hold till I'm 50. I can't even process being 50 and not having that baby I gave birth too 8 yrs ago. Today as I was doing laundry I began to cry. As I was trying to remember Nathan and my mind had a major blockage and I couldn't. Yes its been 3 months and I have FORGOTTEN my son. If I didn't have pictures I'd swear I'd always had just 2 kids. He doesn't seem real for some reason and I have to remind myself every day that he in deed was. I imagine I'll have to this everyday for the rest of my life. Not sure what kind of life that is, but I can tell you I'll fight to keep remembering what I can till there is no heart beat left in me. Support group is going ok for me I've been 2x and the first time felt like to much, but I wanted to give it another shot so I went Tuesday as its only the 1st and 3rd Tuesdays of the month. I won't go into detail ever about the folks in there but I will share the Ahh Haa moments I have while I'm in attendance. This past week I've been asked several times how many children I have by random folks I've made contact with and most times I just say 2. As saying I have 3 leaves me open to giving information I'm not sure I can divulge. The reason for that is simple I'm not sure how I feel about telling strangers I have a son that died and I'm not sure how they will in turn receive the information. In turn it may cause me to become highly emotional, but in group someone made comment that the same thing happened to her this past week and she made the choice to say say exactly how many children she'd given birth to. She wanted to acknowledge that she indeed had 3 children When her middle son passed she didn't stop being his mother. She'll always be his mother. WOW!!! That hit me HARD! Telling people I IN FACT have 3 children keeps Nathan somewhat alive just as talking about him would. I want people who knew him to keep talking about him. From what they tell me at about 3 months people usually stop. I beg you please never stop talking about him. It is one way he stays alive for us. But when strangers ask I will now say I have 3 children and keep the acknowledgement that I do have another child. He's just in another place for now. As I look back on what I thought would bring a small bit of closure this step of marking my sons space I wonder if I'll ever really have ANY closure....

3 months and a deployment later...

As you can tell by the title today is in fact 3 months since we lost our Nathan...its been a bittersweet day today. We decided to stay home from church and do the cemetery take flowers to son and brother. Mostly just stay out of the spotlight. Everyone knows what today is and being asked how are you doing and sympathy looks were just not what I needed today. I needed a day to b one with how I feel. Yes the weather here was rainy and all that went to the funeral remember it was indeed rainy that day. So somber it was. Natalie made comment in the car on the way to see Nathan the rain made her think that since its been gloomy here the past few days it made her feel that God was sad. Nick said the clouds are crying cause Nathans not here. And in fact it does feel like that sometimes...the universe is sad. Were picking up the pieces of ourselves and bringing them into our new ones. Geoff left Tues and the kids did well. We hung our yellow ribbons up that we do every deployment. I got a sitter for the kids so that they didn't have to go to Ft. Hood with me and say goodbye again. Geoff has landed in Romania and will be there till tomorrow mid day i think and off to his next destination for final arrival in Kabul soon. Long journey to get to where he'll ultimately end. Communication will b sparse the next few days so I'll update as I know where he is. Again, I can't believe its been 3 months since I've heard Nathan's laugh and seen his smile. This for me is when it settles in and my heart exhales reminding myself to breathe. You forget to breathe some days. We are slowly smiling more and finding ourselves laughing often. So, this to me is reassurance that the kids can make it through the deployment and I can make it another 3 months without my son...which I imagine every 16th of the month possibly years ahead I will post reminding myself that I made a promise...to celebrate Nathan all the days of my life. Some times I'm finding that our celebrations are with crying and avoiding crowds, other times its looking at pictures.. laughing, remembering what once was. No parties with cake and ice cream here but we do push forward thanking our Heavenly Father that our family was blessed beyond imagine with an experience of a lifetime. We had an absolute angel in our home our very midst for 8 years. 

Profound Thoughts

I finally made it to the new breaved parents group at a different location tonight. I honestly have a MILLION different emotions tonite as I sit and try to sort them out. I'm not sure how to be a breaved parent for one or how long I'm supposed to be one. My dear friend told me I'd be one for a lifetime. I'm not so sure I liked that answer quite frankly...MWAH girl...I know she's a follower.  I guess in someways that label will always be a life sentence I'll have to work through. I know I don't like it..infact I hate the way it sounds and sits in my head. My first thought with that label is sad. I don't want to be sad for a lifetime. I'd actually like the rest of whats left of this life to happy and fulfulled. I also know I'm a different person now...I just don't know WHO that is YET. I hope that the person this journey forms is one I can accept. I was just starting to like aspects of the old me, but this change has started a journey to a very different me. One that in the end I hope the people that are on this journey with me can be ok with. 

Nite Before

On the nite before Geoff leaves I'm left with a MILLION different feelings. I have yet to actually process them all in fact. We spent most of today wrapping up things like getting him a camera and making sure his new computer that my parents gave us was operating properly. We now have capability of skype between his and i's computers so that's nice. Grateful to my parents for giving us an old computer my dad had lying around that he had fixed for us so Geoff could take it with him. Those of you who are wondering how the kids are they are handleing everything really well. There looking forward to putting our yellow ribbons around the the front trees and making the count down chain. We did these things last deployment of course our Nathan was here with us during that time. I swear that time seems like forever ago when really it was just 3 yrs ago. Who knew I'd fast forward 3 yrs and be doing this again but only one child less. My job hunt continues as I'm excited to hopefully find employment to take me out of this house I dread daily. Everything is constant reminders of what was and should be. Feels like some days I could lose my mind with all the what one can only describe as some sort of waiting...doesn't really intend to be that way,but waiting is really the only word I can wrap my mind around. Thinking one day he'll show up or ride his bike straight up on the front porch since all 3 kids seemed to not acknowledge we do have a garage that those things can safely be stored. LOL! Walk out the door and trip on a bike,quite literally falling and praying you don't dislocate anything. LOL! I just hate this house. But the nite before it is and tomorrow we prepare for a different kind of change...one we face head on..

A Great First Day

I know I've taken awhile to up this post about the kids first day of school. I just get busy and with the dream this morning I felt more impressed to write about that then this, but I keep getting asked how the kids did and how were adjusting to Geoff's departure. When alarms went off Monday AM I awoke with just a feeling of "well, its finally here"... had such reluctance of how the day would go as I've been dreading this day since I could move past the funeral. The kids got up without problems and dressed and came out of there rooms with the same excitement as last yrs first day. I could see a little hesitation in there faces and nervousness about how there day would play out. I made the traditional first day of school breakfast..scrambled eggs and pancakes. Now, I normally do a ton of first day pics but this year as you can imagine I wasn't in the photographing mood, but I knew I needed something to show for the day. Keep the same routine as every other year the same for the kids sake. I lined them up and snapped there pics and did a few of them together and then loaded them in the Jeep. We arrive and of course I take a deep breath not just for me but for the kids as well. This is only half the battle of the first day now we have to go in the building and see people..face the friends of Nathan that were also left behind. As thoughts play in mind of "who will ask?" and "what will I say" dance in my head I try not to make eye contact that much with people. We took Nick man to class first and took a pic at his desk and made sure he was comfortable before heading for the 5th grade hall. He seemed to be adjusting fine so i was able to exhale. He's been dreading this day..not for reason's you'd think with his brothers passing but because we decided to hold him back and his friends are in 1st grade and now he has to redo Kinder. He'd been saying in the days before how he wanted to "just be with his friends." We've assured him that he'll do better than everyone since he's done the work before and what a great helper he'll be. So...that seemed to ease that for now. We climbed the steps up to the 5th grade hall and a feeling of uneasiness found its way to  my stomach..more of a man this is just ODD! Natalie being so anxious darts in her classroom finds her desk and starts organizing it. I went over did the same thing I did to Nick took a pic at her desk and asked her the same if she was ok? She smiled and said she was fine so I exhaled and prepared to walk out and toward the car. Now this was the longest walk ever because you just don't know who your gonna see...lucky for me I made it out the door and to my car without any questions..A looks..but these are looks I know well. Its the look of "that's the women who lost her son." And the look of "I wanna say something I just don't know what." I've said before just talk to me please..staring at me like a freak show bothers me way worse then answering questions or talking about Nathan. When I got to the car and started it up it was a huge relief that we'd survived this first. Geoff spent the day doing laundry and packing up as the next morning he headed off to Ft. Hood till the 8th where he'll train and then get a 4 day pass to come home and then head out early on the 12th to Afghanistan from Ft. Hood. When the kids got home we asked how the day went both kids said it was fine that some people did ask about Nathan and they just said he passed away. Natalie said one child didn't believe her when she told him..I guess it is still a shock to some. The shock for us sadly is wearing off and reality is setting in. Geoff headed out early on Tues before kids got up so there was no drama made the day run smoothly for them. Were doing well school flowing nicely and adjustments are being made to Geoff's absence. I took the meal calenders down since schools back up and its now time to return to life, but again we are so grateful for all the service that was rendered for our family....All in All we've had a smooth first few days of school and pray that the year goes the same.

Dream a Little Dream

I've not been as lucky as the kids on dreaming of my sweet Nathan. Its almost caused me to be a little jealous, but everyone that knows me well knows that I suffer from insomnia so I require an ambien to fall asleep. I've been plagued with this for sometime now..never really had a problem accepting this condition more than now. I hear all the time that loved ones can sometimes come in dreams. Now doesn't that suck for me since I'm almost in a somewhat sedated state to sleep so who's gonna remember a dream? NOT ME! A little bitter about that..But this AM after I got the kids off to school I came back to bed to see if I could get back to sleep for a few more hours. I guess at some point I did indeed drift off as I was listening to my ipod..as i sit here typing this it was the most REAL thing I've ever experienced in a dream. Find myself sitting here feeling some sort of relief that I had a small glimpse of Nathan. The dream took me to a hospital..a hospital I haven't a clue where or what the name was. But I was in a crowded hall just looking around wondering why on earth I'm in a hospital hall. As I turned to my left I saw a boy of about 16 on a hospital bed sitting straight up..He was blond hair and the most familiar cow lick..It only took me a moment to realize this boy that was now an almost grown man sitting there looking back at me was Nathan..not a boy of 8 but a man of 16-17. Had teenage features but had manly stature. I was shocked and it took a moment to register this was Nathan I have to stop these people from dragging him by me. I need my son! I began running towards him with my hands out stretched so I could grab a hold of him once I got to him. I was was yelling Stop Nathan make them stop...Running practically over people the bed comes to a halt as I was running I remember taking a breath like realizing that ok its stopping....When I get there he's smiling at me the biggest 8 yr old grin you have ever see and tears just begin to fall...the come in puddles. My vision at that moment gets blurry because of the tears but i soon see he's reaching out to me to hold me....I fall in his arms and while he holds me I cry....oh i cry so hard..I don't say anything but "OH my sweet Nathan". I then realize my grown son is holding me as I cry. The moment was quick I look up into his eyes and the smile that was on his face is now grown to his eyes. I then awake in tears I mean bawling....I had a small moment with my son. I can't tell you how my heart feels right now. I'm in tears now as I replay this dream back as it comes to like a movie. I just rewind that embrace. He held me...Just like I have done a million times for him when he was hurt or sad. I've spent most of the morning in tears over this, but grateful I got to have this. I have felt like more and more that he's not around as much. I guess as our lives busy with Geoff leaving and the kids beginning school were not able to stop and reflect over our Nathan..So as I begin my day I end this with a prayer in my heart of thanks and gratitude... for letting my dream surround me with my sons spirit that I didn't recognize that I needed....

The Night Before School

The Night before the big first day is one that I knew would come..one of the "firsts" that is talked about in grief counseling. One that I had no idea how I'd feel...still don't know how I feel. I do know as I washed clothes today and saw none of my Sweet Nathan's clothes only to realize I have them all on a quilt I now sleep with had me feeling like please just be a sick joke.. Just someone come in and say Ha Ha here he is...I wouldn't even be mad just grateful. But that's not the case at all. No crazy reality TV show is gonna walk through my door and say sorry bad joke. I just have the sick realization by quilts of clothes that my baby isn't here for what is supposed to be his first day of 3rd grade. I'm supposed to be a mother to a 5th, 3rd, and K. Just WHAT? I try not to be angry that he's not here. I have no one to be angry at or anything to be angry for...oh wait....he isn't here for me to kiss, see, do for, and associate with so I guess that entitles me to a bit of anger. But really anger gets you no where and is a wasted emotion. Where life just passes and you become bitter over events you can't change. To keep my other kids from being angry I can't be angry. They deal with events how the adults deal. So, I have to process things a tad differently. Especially with what a believe with all my heart happens after this life and my everyday acceptance of whats happened. Analogy to how this feels is someone out of no where comes up and slaps you in the face. Now one would get angry and do a major beat down over this or I would normally, but now picture same senerio with no anger or beat downs..just honest baffled acceptance. Kinda feels like a step was skipped right...something done to you that hurts you requires maybe a tad WHAT THE HECK? and OH YOUR GETTING IT reaction...not so here. I can have the sadness that I was hurt but I feel I can't have the anger. So tonight has me feeling sad and heart broken, anger is there under the surface that I'm keeping in check. Thank goodness for the gym that I can work it out/sweat it out. I also have these 2 other amazing kids that I've centered my world around. I never want them to think my anger is at them or with GOD. That's not the case. So as I rise tomorrow and get my kids ready to go to school and get on with finding our new normal...I say with a broken heart...let the games begin...

Meet The Teachers...

Today we got to meet the kiddos teachers...looks like our family is blessed this school year with some awesome teachers. I look forward to working with them this year to insure the kids are successful this school year despite our summer. Nick has been blessed with Mrs. Geertz. Now I have heard about this wonderful lady since Natalie was in Kindergarden. We lucked out with Mrs. Carson 2x in a row. When Nick went last year he had the honor of getting Mrs. Saul which we so luved. She was excellent with him was just what he needed for him to get to where he is now. At the end of last year he had not progressed as far as we'd have liked so I was faced with the hard decision to flag him like crazy and send him to first grade praying he does well or hold him back and let him get the chance to grasp what he missed concept wise. After many hours of prayer and thought I decided to hold him back. Was not an easy decision only because I know how much my little man wanted to advance with his friends, but I knew it was the best decision...and after Nathan's passing I now know why the decision kept me here. He would have had an even harder year this year without his brothers luv and encouragement. Nathan was his biggest helper and would've helped him along. I didn't know at the time Nathan wouldn't be apart of us this school year obviously so I'm glad I made the decision I did. Makes so much sense now. The Lord's hand in that decision I see now. He met her this morning as we were invited to a special open house from 11-12pm. That way we could get a little more time with her and hash out our concerns with him going forward to this year. I think shes gonna be a great fit for him. Natalie's home room teacher is Mrs. Bruce..she was happy with that choice so we are too. She was given the chance to ask questions and of course she goes blank doesn't even get one thing asked. Well, she was just nervous cause she was put on the spot. Let her warm up and she'll come right out of that shell. But Mrs. Bruce seems like she'll be an awesome teacher for her. I try to stay pretty involved with the kids school work. Natalie also got picked to do Safety Patrol the first 9 weeks of school. I know she wanted to that last year, but according to Natalie everyone wants a chance at doing it so it gets filled quickly. She expressed to Coach Newberry last year that she would like to do it and was told she'd be put on the list for this year. What a surprise...this just made her day. I am super excited for her. Something for her to look forward to everyday for the first 9 weeks and teach her a little about responsibility and doing work. After meeting with both kids teachers I wanted to swing by Mrs. Stewarts class room which was Nathan's teacher last year. He always swing in his old teachers room to say hey on meet the teacher night. After all it was one of his favorite things of starting a new year. Getting school supplies, backpacks, and seeing who the teacher and kids in his class were. First to be dressed and ready to get to the school. Well, we just missed her as the teachers had a 12pm meeting so I thought I'd swing by later when I dropped the kids school supplies off later at the normal meet the teacher times that afternoon. Well, I did just that i dropped each kids supplies off and headed on down to her room. I tell you I had mixed feelings about doing this because I swear I could see Nathan's smiling face from last year when we did this and met her. How excited he was to go in and see the kids from the long summer he hadn't seen and visit with and take time to get to know who'd be teaching him. Grant it he was shy so getting him to introduce himself was always hard, but he did enjoy getting to see everyone. This time she was in there and I stepped in and she was chatting with one of her students so I waited my turn to let her know I was there. Upon seeing me she said "hello" and I said I couldn't not swing by and say hello as Nathan would be so doing. And I gave her a hug. She asked how Natalie and Nick were doing and said well. She said she was gonna dedicate either Star Wars or Diary of a Wimpy kid to Nathan and then donate it to the library. Ohhh he would so luv that. Especially Diary of a Wimpy Kid. I burried him with a copy of that book so that would be awesome. Upon hearing that I wanted to bust and cry just rite then. I think my heart even stopped as I saw a huge smile that Nathan would've had. I then had to hurry and say goodbye I knew in 2.5seconds I was gonna loose it. I was breathing so hard in and out every breath just mentally telling myself a few more feet and I could spring a leak with the tears if I needed to. By the time I reached the door to outside the side entry of the school where I'd parked It was hazy and hard to see the tears were beginning to fall as I couldn't stop them at that point. I reached the car shut the door and covered my eyes and sobbed....so hard i couldn't catch my breath. Tears just fell in buckets. Not understanding at all in that moment WHY this is happening to me....Just why? Please someone....anyone...please just tell me why I have to go on  with a gaping whole in my chest that I'll have to figure out how to temparily patch the wound that seems to big to patch for the rest of my life. Knowing that at any given moment that patch could dissolve, therefore leaving the wound exposed. Exposed for all the world to see and leaving me with having to again process the WHY's. Nothing will ever fill this void of my son so a patch is the best I'll ever be able to do to sort of mend it to a point where we can survive moving forward one day at a time. I have faith that as the days turn into years this wound that is my heart will get smaller over time to where maybe a stitch will keep it held together. This is my prayer for today...

Ronald McDonald House

Since we were invited to help with the boy scouts service project a week or so ago...I've been looking forward to this evening. Many of you know that while we were in Dallas this past June with Nathan those few days we were hosted by the Ronald McDonald house close to the hospital. I'd always heard about this special house, but never been to one much less stayed at one. So, I was humbled when we could actually stay there. For those who don't know what this house is its really an amazing place. Its a house close to most children's hospitals where families can stay while there sick child is in the hospital. Its an incredible place and is really a home away from home for these families. I looked at this as a chance to give back in a way to the organization that was so kind to us in our time of need. The scouts prepared a Taco Bar and fruit for the families that stayed there. I wasn't sure how id feel by going back to the Ronald McDonald house...I realize the one we stayed at is in Dallas, but the feeling I got was so similar to how I felt when staying there. I had flash backs of staying there. A moment of anxiousness of not knowing if your child was gonna be okay. I had the opportunity of helping the wolves rip the lettuce, while doing this I had a feeling that Nathan was there..what a great time of doing service he would've had. That boy loved helping those in need the smile he wore while in service was just a breath of fresh air. I felt him by me then sweet tears fell. I just took a deep breath and kept going. I know he was smiling as I was indeed in his place doing something he luved. I plan on doing something similar to this again on the anniversary of his passing every yr. That's just something else I can do to celebrate my son. I'm telling you i'm seriously gonna do him proud doing everything I can think of to keep him alive. He won't be forgotten. That's a mother's worst fear when one of there children has passed..that they will be forgotten. MINE will not..I don't have it all mapped out but I promise when he entered this world he was meant for greatness. I'll make sure he has his earthly greatness even if that means a lifetime of dedication to different causes. I'm doing it..he's assured his own spiritual rewards. I have met with the boy scout committee yesterday and got the ball rolling on the Nathan Dennis scholarship that will send a boy to day camp that wouldn't otherwise get to go. I've talked before how he loved day camp...so I'll make sure someone else gets that experience...oh Nathan's smiling on that one I'm just sure of it. After the top 5 are narrowed down I'll visit with each applicant and see how they are with the other scouts praying for a lil Nathan inspiration on who's the choice he'd make. As there going in his name. I'll then volenteer one day at camp every summer seeing the fun they'll have that day. I know I am as well as Geoff and the kids are so excited about this coming to pass this next summer. Something to look forward to every June instead of dreading the worst day in June. As I left the Ronald McDonald House I did indeed feel the way I felt as I left it that long hard day in June. In a complete haze that I was leaving my son behind. That feeling that day we left to head back home toward Austin was the WORST!!! We had to drive by the hospital that we just said our goodbye's knowing we were leaving our son. Never to see him in this earthly life again. I remember clear as day touching the glass of my window as tears flowed fighting back sobs trying to understand how I could be leaving a child in a lonely cold place without me to protect and guide him to his next resting place. Praying hard that I'd just have the strength to make it to the next day. Well I did muster the strength and here I sit writing what will one day be my book to show that this path can be walked. The road is long, hard and lonely at times, but it can be done one day at a time. 

A Childless Birthday

My first birthday without 3 children....I guess that thought really says it all or at least it should. I didn't know what to feel about it honestly. I didn't hear Nathan's voice saying Happy Birthday Mom, or the 3 kids giggling like they probably would because of the silly card there dad gets me every year and this year there would've been tons of giggling because it was one he would've luved. This card played music oh he luved cards that did that. He'd go up and down the card aisle and listen to each of them and smile at times dancing if the song was a good one. Getting him out of a card aisle was quite the feat. If the card had stickers or anything cool inside he's beg me to buy it. I'm sure all kids do this. A memory such as this one all mothers get, but it doesn't take away the importance for you. Everything still feels very surreal for me and its until someone makes a slide show of pictures, or presents awards that a boy can only get if he's passed, makes blankets with the clothes he once wore, memory books with pictures does your world stop spinning...this is when acknowledgement has to take place....THIS IS REAL! and he's NOT coming back. The day to day of life and talking about him isn't a problem I can do that all day long. But if somethings done for him especially and SCREAMS hey mom I'm gone....yep my heart stops and its a new thing. Don't get me wrong I've been humbled and honored that everyone thinks of him to do such kind acts of service for us...but each thing has been a different type of confirmation. I've been reading a great book that has crazily given me great comfort. Life Everlasting...its an LDS book but oh me the insights it has given me on concepts I knew but hadn't thought about in a long time has opened my eyes and comforted my heart. My son indeed had somewhere else he had to be right now to do something that only HE could do...now that's pretty amazing. How can I not be happy for him? And how can I be poor pitiful me when I knew exactly what I was getting into? I picked these challenges...I can let this kill me or be my greatest mentor to help others who have and will walk this same path I am on. I hope I can do that.. it will help heal my heart and celebrate my son. At the end of the month the meals will stop..I want each and everyone that did something for us during these past 2 months know we thank you for your time, thoughts, and prayers. I stopped the meals because although service is a wonderful thing..for us it would keep us from moving on. Were trying to establish a new normal with everything..doing the things we'd otherwise do. We're looking forward to doing this seeing where and what our future holds. Its one child less, yes, life is still yet to be lived, memories and experiences still left to be had. That is what this life is all about. I can tell you joy can be found in the depths of great sadness if your heart is willing to see it...and that's what our family continues to focus on...the JOY of the bigger picture of what is and whats to come.

A Child of God Pt 1

My heart is VERY full tonight as I sit behind the computer and try and be very real about it all. Tears are falling in large sums and it seems as if I should have a huge puddle at my feet but I wipe them away knowing there not the last of what I'll shed in this long journey. Nathan's scout presentation was tonight and our family attended. It was the most beautiful experiance..our blankets Amy made were used as decoration and Nathan's school picture that we sat at the funeral and visitation was at the back of the room along with a white mat I wanted all the scouts in attendance to sign so that I could fill it a few pictures I received from friends of Nathan's week at scout camp. Which will be a great final addition to the other mats I sat out for guests at the visitation and funeral to write small messages and leave there signature. I did indeed have a guest sign in book but you know honestly those are usually stored away and not kept out. Who wants a book that was given to them by the funeral home they used to help them bury there son sitting out to view from time to time? Ummmm...yea not me. I opt out of that one. So I had the idea to have a mat sitting out for guests to sign that I could hang on the wall to view. Its a tradition that seems common at LDS wedding receptions but I thought this would be a way to celebrate Nathan just as there meant to celebrate the happy couple. They boys preformed songs they learned at camp that apparently Nathan enjoyed. So it was fun to hear his "camp songs" he learned that week. I had a vision of him learning them and being completely silly...He loved to laugh and what a laugh he had. After songs a family friend had prepared a slide show of pictures that I've collected of Nathan that will go in his scrapbook..the pictures were set to the most beautiful rendition of "I am a Child of God" performed my insideout I have ever heard. That was one of his favorite primary songs. I swear this song has taken such a deep meaning for me the past few months. As a child we learn this song and we sang it in primary often. Its one of the most persistent songs you hear primary children sing. The words are just words then and even after your an adult it touches you when you sing it and hear the children sing it, but after you loose a child and sing it aww the meaning it takes on is COMPLETELY different. You can't see my tears..but know they are flowing and my heart feels like its been just ripped out of my chest. When I was a child and learned this song I never expected that one day I'd grow up and have a child pass away to where the feelings you get when singing or hearing this song are bitter sweet. To where its joy and pain. To where its a reminder that my son is gone..having to find peace that I didn't fail him and taught him what he needed to learn in his earthly home. During the slide show Natalie sobbed through it so of course my tears flowed. Your heart breaks for your children when you know they are in pain and hurting a hurt that will be there the rest of there earthly life. The slide show was beautifully done and added a tender spirit to the night. I felt my Nathan with me as I heard that rendition of his favorite song so I'm grateful it was chosen as the music. Our family got awarded the Spirit of the Eagle award which is a an award that's not given often which is a good thing as its awarded to the families whose son pass away while in the cub/boy scouting program that were on there way to one day receiving there Eagle Scout Award. Were honored that Nathan was awarded this. Since he loved cub scouts and I'm sure obtaining his Eagle Scout would have been in his future. We also got told that Nathan will have a brick with his name on it placed on the ground or wall at the new Boy Scout office that we can go see anytime we want. So that's pretty amazing. A part of the speech the gentlemen who presented our family with these awards left me with intresting feelings...the part where he said when your son passes your dreams fade and die. I don't feel that way at all. Yes our sons earthly dreams died...but now our dreams aren't the earthly kind they have transcended into what will now be our eternal dreams. Which are that we WILL have our families forever. So, I've had to change my thinking on the issue of now my hopes and dreams for Nathan are dead.Nathan's wolf den leader then presented me back a project she undertook with with Nathan's scout shirt and his camp clothes and things he had/wore during that week. She put it all in a shadow box which is so beautiful. When speeches and awards were done the boys did one of Nathan's favorite things he did at camp..it was shooting the BB guns..yep that had to be revised to something they could do so they did the cucumber regada that he enjoyed at camp. Where they scoop out the cucumber and use the other shell as boats and then race them. Nick got to participate in this and boy did he have fun with his "Sir Jack Sparrow" boat. He says he won 3rd place but I have no proof of that.LOL! I was asked if doing another balloon release was a good idea since I had done one at Nicks birthday party since I had read it was in intresting way for people to say "Good bye" to there loved one...I of course said not at all so another amazing balloon release was done. The balloons released this time were silver and some where white with silver stars on it. I think that's fitting since Nathan sits amongst the stars now. I ended with Thank you's for everyone's hard work..it was a beautiful celebration that was put together. I thank everyone who had anything to do with planning, participating, set up, cleanup it was all so nicely done our family appreciates everything...Nathan was there in spirit just smiling with approval...I'm posting the song I was discussing above and the pictures with it are beautiful...

First Mini-Vacation

I've been telling the kids since March or so that we'd take small trips over the summer to pass time before school starts. It seems our first part of summer has been dealing with not having Nathan so the other kids have not had much of a summer... it was nice that Geoff's brothers wife ,Gennie and 2 kiddos, Colton and Matti could come visit us the past 2 days. They invited us along to Sea World on Monday and Fiesta Tx on Tuesday. Stayed over night in a hotel on Mon so that we could just get up and do the other theme park. Yes...exhausting it surely was, but the kids had so much fun.  I wasn't sure exactly how I'd feel about doing a small vacation type trip this close to loosing Nathan. It did in fact feel odd at times for me at least anyway that I only had 2 instead of 3. We're so used to being oddly numbered to have an even number in our family was odd. Just riding rides. Geoff had a riding buddy and I had one. Just so odd and not quite right. Nathan enjoyed Sea World as our family goes every summer since with the Salute To The Hero's promotion that Anheiseur Bush theme parks offer allows us to go free so its something fun to do that has been tradition since we've been here. Of course I pick the hottest time of year to go, but the kids expect it every summer. Only I imagine that with Nathan's foot in pain like it was the last part of his life I'm not so sure we'd have gotten to do any of the stuff we've done this last part of summer. I'd like to think we'd have figured it all out and his foot would've been fine, but you know I'm not so sure. I had a few moments on different rides we did that I looked over expecting to see I dunno Nathan's face and my mind imagined a huge smile. As I sit here and type this I get teary thinking about that beautiful smile that when he smiled he did so with his eyes too. Where you knew it was genuine and you knew without a doubt he was having a good time. And following a smile you usually got a giggle/chuckle. Figuring out how a person lives without that is what is the hardest. Nick said to me a few times that Nathan sure would luv this...Yep...that he would. I totally miss hearing the kids argue about whos sitting with/by whom. I imagine riding rides would've gone the exact way...and having to tell them everyone will get a chance to ride with each other. But spending time with there cousins was so much fun. There also military with a dad who's currently deployed so I know Natalie and Colton from what Gennie has said had a conversation about that. I'm just glad they had a chance to talk and be around other kids in that exact situation before there Dad leaves. Its just an added bonus that there family and the kids felt completely comfortable to talk about it with one another. Definatly gonna be letting the skype or facetime as were in the day of Apple software..lol.. if they can over the next few months and I'm working harder at finding some other military kids around here as well. Geoff is off the next 2 weeks as we prepare for his departure on the 28th. The kids get to spend sometime with dad and he gets to take them to there first day of school on the 27th which is nice. Tomorrow night is Nathan's scouting presentation so I'll be blogging about that tomorrow night I'll also post pics of the kids on the past few days...

Back Pack Surprise..

I had to intention in blogging tonight since I finished up the latest post today while I was poolside, but I guess I had some feelings of today I needed to get out. Today began as any other day with arrands and getting stuff done. But of course the mail would deliver the kids backpacks my mom gets them every summer before school starts. This has been tradition since Natalie was in Kindergarden. She gets them from pottery barn and has there names put on the front and its a big to do. The kids look forward to this package every August. Only this August there was only 2 backpacks instead of 3. My mother told me last week she ordered there backpacks to be looking for them to coming in the mail. I guess I didn't realize how I'd feel to opening a box with the realization that my middle child won't be with us this year. Yet a first I didn't consider as a first I'd have to wither. You expect first day of the new school year, thanksgiving, birthdays and christmas, but not the backpack package that comes religiously every summer. Nathan loved getting his backpack every summer. I mean, he would be opening the box before getting it into the house the excitement was so great. To see what his MiMi had picked for him to carry that school year. So tears fell as I didn't know how i'd feel about just getting the 2. Nick's backpack is black with snakes on it which he LUVS snakes and I totally imagine Nathan would have been envious that Nick got that one. Natalie's is brown with pink polka dots which she adores and of course my mom always goes one step farther and gets the matching lunch box. Nick saw his and stated "WOW...it looks like a treasure chest." I had to grin at that because he luved it and now wants the matching thermos that he said.."hey MiMi left out the thermos.." so I guess I'm purchasing that since the little noticed its not included..LOL. I'm not sure if the morning of the first day of school will feel this incomplete, but I can tell you this has made that hole that's in your heart when you loose a child that much bigger. I mean in some ways a small anger starts to develop...I say to myself all the time.."REALLY?" Am I really that bad of a person I had to have the most PRECIOUS thing in my LIFE SNATCHED from me to prove a point of some sort? I mean, really I would've gotten the point with just some small scare that I needed to fix or change something, but to subject me to this is just well cruel to say the least. I know in reality this isn't the case, but it doesn't keep the feelings from being there that you have to sort and work through. I guess this is all a process. After the backpacks, every time I walked by a picture of Nathan in the house I got teary eyed. I mean, off and on I would literally stop breathing and sob. Mid sob I'd have to remind myself I'm not breathing and I need to take a breath. Then I got a text asking if Geoff and I are available for a special cub scout presentation for Nathan next Wed. And of course memories from his scout camp week came to mind and tears fell again. I'm thinking at this point I'm just meant to have a mess of a day, but the honor of having your son remembered by people and something he loved is really amazing. He'd be so flattered that this is happening, but on the other hand he was incredibly shy so being talked about for a whole pack meeting or really any amount of time would embarrass him to death. Next week will hold one beautiful night I can't wait to see....

Memorial to Remember

What can a mother say about a day like today? I don't think anything can properly describe what a day like today does to someone especially a mother. I in some ways I was looking forward to ordering Nathan's headstone memorial..crazy huh? A part of me had thought once it was done it would be like a form of closure for me. Grant it the process hasn't come full circle yet so I can't say for sure, but I can say that right now this minute I have NONE! No closure. I have what feels like a morbid sense of reality it seems like today. I looked at books that had pictures of headstones most of the morning and said "yea that 's cute or nice or he'd hate that" just feels kinda sick. I dunno...I did pick what I think is going to one Memorial to Remember and I can't wait to get the concept back and the price quote to see if in fact my wild idea is under or right at budget. One can only pray..I do not want to go back to the drawing board with this. I just want to see it come to pass. Somedays I wonder why I even care how big/small or design this memorial becomes because honestly I'm not sure how much I am going out to the place my son rests, but I feel as if I still need to make this place beautiful and something our family shows some sort of pride for considering the fact the person we luved more than life itself is resting there until the day of his resurrection. I had been contemplating this concept since I was told I had to say goodbye. Knowing this was the only real way I could show a small part of who he was and that he was loved. Sorta like a small legacy of him. I wasnt sure if I wanted a more "religious" feel to it considering we are LDS and thats a big part of who we are or go with what his intrests were that made up the other parts of who he was. As I thought of the past 8 yrs of his life and what he may have wanted I went with the latter...with a touch of religion as it needs to also display our faith a small bit. I incorporated the CTR shield he had earned as all children in our church do. Its a ring they wear that simply stands for Choose The Right. Its importance for us is equilivant to the WWJD bracelets others wear. But at 8 they recieve this as a ring so they have a constant visual reminder to make good choices since there approaching there baptism time. Nathans excitment to recieve this small but important token was one he took seriously. He wanted to make good choices which as a mother brings me great joy. So the shield is on the back of his stone along with an etching of the cub scout patch. I've talked before about how much he loved scouts. And his love for his leaders and friends he was getting to know better through this amazing program. It seemed fitting to put that emblem along side the shield since he just turned 8 and was baptized and he'd just become of age to begin scouts and his troop was one lead by leaders in our church. On the front side I made this his intrest side where his picture we displayed at the funeral will be lazer etched in dark grey which will be anamazing finished product. I saw an example of a 5x7 lazer etched picture with a boy who couldnt b older than 5/6 in his pj's. Upon seeing this my heart stopped and i had to remind myself to breathe this was my sign in some way I had to do this with Nathans photo no matter the costs. Im extremely excited to see how this turns out. The base is granite blk and will be sculpted to look like a long rectangle lego and the upright rectangle headstone will rest on top and will display his beatiful picture and birth and death dates and just underneath I hope to put "Families are Forever" since we fully expect to be together beyond this life. To the right and left side will be seperate etching of the lego star wars figures yoda and darth vader...he luved playin lego star wars on our wii and I also burried him in lego star wars Pj's his fav. The figures will have there light sabers drawn as if in battle stance and the sabers about to make contact. I hope to illuminate the sabers the apporiate colors green and red with solor lighting. It'll be an awesome visual effect and be a small night light. You could also take a good vs evil look at the design concept as well, but to be honest that idea wasn't the reason for this. Just turned out that way....intresting, huh? I think Nathan would look at that and say "wow mom thats awesome..." I think i did well with this idea and will have done him proud. The really sweet lady at the cemetary also offered, after i mentioned I have one child who still hasnt and cant go to the cementary yet, to make a tivot sized memory rock the kids could each do for there brother to keep out there. As a symbol of something they contributed. Could be a drawing a little note..she'll sand blast it and it will be an exact replica of what they drew or wrote. I was so amazed by her offer of generousity to do such a service to help in a small way heal our other children. To make it where something they did for there brother to leave out there and see each time they visit if they so choose. I'm also gonna cover his site with white rock so theres no dirt showing and put a cement bench out the foot of grave so i can sit somewhere instead of on a blanket i take out there. Geoff and I also purchased the spots on either side of Nathan so we can be laid to rest by our son when our life ends. This has been a day i'll always remember and with great satisfaction can say it will be a memorial headstone tribute to remember for a boy that has touched everyone he knew...

Precious Gifts

With deployment edging close my list of "to do's" is a long one. For a military wife/spouse this is a list of a different kind. Making sure your ID's up to date and (power of attorney) in place and copies of Geoff's orders so I can handle anything that crosses my path while our spouse is away. Even things like putting into place lawn care help and at times nanny's to help give relief when the walls seem to be closing in. I've done this before in '08 so I know the ropes of whats about to happen and so putting these things into action are but now routine since I learned the hard way last time. Those days are a NEVER again repeat performance my friends. My list now also involves getting things for my kids in order like support groups and additional grief counseling to help aid in Nathan's passing and with there father getting ready to leave. There doing exceptionally well considering, but I'll never get comfortable with that assumption as with all things it could change instantly. I've also made it my mission to get a digital photo frame together with all the pics we now have of Nathan so Geoff can take it with him. I did a similar thing with a key chain the last deployment, but he wants a frame this time. I've been saving all the pics on my flash drive I have dedicated just for Nathan's pictures and things I need saved so I can transfer these into the gadget. This has become so time consuming which is why I kept putting this project into action. I'm the worlds worst procrastinator. With today's project under way and frame purchased I sat at the computer saving a few of the pictures given to me on disc to my flash drive. Can I say I found a small treasure while uploading...one of the pic files was a small video clip of Nathan doing an activity during field day this past school year. He doesn't say a word on the clip but its him being active and running around. I had forgotten just how he used to run...having to over compensate for his flat feet. After the discovery I sat in awe...at just what i'd stumbled across. Tears just fell as i rewound the clip over and over again. Even as I think back to that moment right now tears are welling up. I need to send a special shout out to David's mother for doing this and for giving me this disc. I now consider it one of my most prized items amongst all these wonderful photo's, of course. I didn't realize just how much a small video clip of Nathan would affect me or that I'd even need it. What with all these pictures I didn't think much at all. I knew I didn't have anything video wise of him except the video Geoff shot of him when he was born and his sonogram I believe..i did however send a shout out on facebook to anyone that may have ANY video to please get me a copy. So, I send out another plea in case any of the readers of this blog don't follow me on facebook or the Praying For Nathan page. With the video moments behind me it dawned on me that I'd not seen the bubble wrap photo mailer I had filled pretty full with all the photo's I've saved thus far in awhile. I had it sitting on my kitchen table so I could easily access it. When this realization hit me I had a panic attack. I went on a spree of moving, tossing, everything around to locate it. When I tell you I lost it...I quite literally lost it. A flashback of the moment I realized at the hospital after being told Nathan was going to pass and I had NO PICTURES... and then the moment of "OH MY GOODNESS..." did i ACCIDENTLY throw it away? I've been notorious to do this on occassion on my CRAZY cleaning frenzies I've gotten into. I calmed that thought when I knew I'D NEVER DO THAT! So again the panic rose inside and I immediately called Geoff's cell and asked if he'd seen it. I was so panicked that he couldn't even understand me and when he asked me to repeat what the deal was I just hung up and continued to toss my kitchen apart to locate it. He got home and I explained with a tear soaked face what was going on. He got to looking for it too...TEARS.. my friends..TEARS just kept falling so much so I couldn't see what was in front of me anymore. My thoughts just consumed me replaying every moment and the doubt that maybe I had thrown all these precious gifts of my baby away. I called Monica, my dear friend and wasn't sure how to explain because I was in midst of another attack and I could barely speak. After getting it out she said she'd make calls to the sisters who were last in my home to help tidy up and get back to me. Moments later she called back saying they were in in the black scrapbook, but where was the DANG BOOK? This was even more frustrating because I couldn't find that book either. I had just seen it not days before. Not minutes later Geoff indeed located the scrapbook under some clothes of mine on my dresser in my room. What a sense of relief washed over me after realizing I hadn't COMPLETELY lost my mind and tossed these items out. I'm not sure how the book got back to my room if I moved it without realizing it or if while cleaning the sister put it in my room, BUT the point is I found it and I'm not CRAZY...LOL! Thanks Creshel, too for coming over to help me locate them..as she was the last person to help me clean. Thanks I appreciate it...I will be putting my items under lock in key and in a super safe place so this NEVER happens again. I was so emotionally drained after that I just had to get out of this house. This house is becoming quiet hard to occupy these days. A lot of memories are here. Good ones and the awful. My son laid in this house dying and I didn't even have the slightest clue. As soon as I feel the kids can leave here and be okay cause honestly they aren't ready I don't think for such a drastic change I'm out! I know he's not coming back that he's gone, but it still feels like I'm waiting for him to come in from outside playing....and of course he isn't. Just to many emotions to have to process on a daily basis for me. After a few hours of trying to post these clips blogger wont let me upload...argh! Facebook wont let me load there either. I'll figure out a way to share them and post soon...until then....

Another kind of Realization

Today has been one of those days I don't even know where to begin because my emotions are raw and still right at the surface to where i could just loose it all over again, but I write this because one day I'll want to know and recall these moments. They are the moments that shape this grieving process. I want to start by saying this post will be raw and I'm going to describe it all very much as it happend. I have been blessed so far that I have not lost it or cried in public or just out and about. I see nothing wrong with that in fact I'm encourging such with the kids if it happens, I've just been blessed I haven't yet, but I'm sure like everything else it will happen. I'm not ready for just regular passer bys who don't know me to give me looks and ask questions of whats wrong. Because I'm liable to say ALOT IS WRONG IDOT I JUST LOST MY BABY..isn't it written in scarlett letter on my forehead that my kid is GONE! So, for that I count my blessings. The day that happens I'm asking now for forgiveness to that unlucky passer by. Nick loves Nathan's shoes. They are 2 sizes to big he will where them anyway. I guess a way from him to feel closer to his brother so I allow this hoping he doesn't get blisters. Nick has gotten to where he says he doesn't want to go to church because he feels left out. Nathan always had a way of bridgeing the gap and was Nicks intrepter for awhile. Meaning Nick has always had a hard time with speech and not being clear and Nathan helped him. Always letting Nick tag along with him and the older boys. He's favorite phrase is "I'm bored" poor guy just wants a friend to play with. He got so used to adapting to Nathan and his older friends. My heart breaks for him and Natalie. Its one thing to know your kids get hurt riding there bike or scrape a knee. We know this is tempary it will heal in time, but with this...I know they will always have a hurt here I can never fill or fix. Oh, what I wouldn't give. I have avoided really paying attention to the primary room at church where the children go and have singing and sharing time. For reasons I don't know..I should've probably addressed my feelings there. Today was the day I'd face it. To really give it my full attention and in away for me a different kind of realization that YEP he is GONE! To look in and see his chair that he always prefered. I mean I can see it clearly. How he sat and crossed his legs just so and seeing him lick his lips because they stayed so dry and wouldn't keep up with chapstick to save his life. Seeing him in his long sleeve white dress shirt with grey slacks and nope not a tie forget it. And his blonde hair and cow lick that if I let go uncut for to long he was complaining. But I often forgot as Life got in the way and busy doing other things. But this image is like a movie I can see in my head. I was a primary teacher for the 8 yr olds which is Nathans group but I had the other group. I didn't want to teach my own child. Just never works out I've done that before. But I can clearly remember all the times I looked over and glanced at him during singing time and how he hated to be picked to do anything because he was so shy but he'd go up cause he was asked. As I looked in from the side the overwhelming feeling came and I cried...tears just streaming down my face. I didn't mean to release the flood gates or for anyone to see me. Honestly it felt as if the world just had me in it. As I watched this movie in my memory. But people came up to me and asked if I was ok. And then I realized I wasn't in private anymore. I wanted to get up on the primary table and SCREAM! Do you not see it or feel someone missing? Do you not care? Why can't you just stop for me for a WHOLE MIN and acknowledge MY SON is no LONGER here!! Notice that my heart is a MILLION pieces over here and I have no way of knowing how this jigsaw puzzle of whats left of it WILL or ever CAN be repaired. I know people don't know what to say to me when they see me. Or if its ok to talk about it...Let me just say...I LUV talking about Nathan. He was my WORLD! I could talk about him all day every day. Don't avoid it. Talk to me about it. I'm dying inside to talk about it. Talking about him keeps him alive for me. After awhile a few great sisters let me talk about what i was thinking and try and explain it. One suggested I get a preisthood blessing. Not something I would've thought to do or probably even asked for if on my own. After a while our Bishop came around the cornor and saw my tear streaked face and asked how i was and one of the ladies suggested I get a blessing and he offered to administer one to me. We traveled to his office and I sat there just cried a river of tears. I'm not sure if anything I said made sense as I was feeling so much during those moments in his office. I do know it was just what I needed right then. The blessing blessed me with peace and that in those hard moments I'd feel Nathan by my side bouying me up almost. Tears flowed from my face the entire time and after he finished I could hear nathan saying to me "see mom, I told you it was gonna be ok". Then the tears fell again. I needed to hear him at that moment and in my minds eye i saw his beautiful smile and the gleam he had in his eyes as he smiled. Knowing it is really all gonna be ok. This is a process and this is but a season in my life. A dark one, but a season none the less. This picture I have in my head most LDS members have seen its one of Jeasus welcoming home his son saying job well done. I'm gonna post a few of the pics that have brought me some peace the past few days and the one that is sorda like the one I'm describing. I tried to google the one I have the mental image of and the words at the bottom but I can't find it so this one is similar. At the end of today as I ready myself for bed I reflect on the events of today..its been a hard emotional one, but I reassure myself that this is just season and things will get better and tomorrow is a new day.

6 Flag pics

Things I'd Wish'd For...

I have tons to blog about tonite...and a few things I'll post on here but can't find away to move them from my phone and email to myself to post on here so I'll do it from my phone so that everyone can see. Katie finally sent over the balloon release clip/video she did from the Nicks party. So excited to share that. My heart is very full today. And Nathan has been close to my thoughts the past few days. As I've taken Natalie and Nick to 6 flags my nearest and dearest friend Monika Stoker. We've been friends for 12 yrs. Our kids for the most part are the same age. She's been there with me everyday down this journey and I know she'll be there throughout my life. So, when we planned this trip to take the kids I knew we'd have fun. I have a list of things I've promised Natalie and Nick we'd do this summer since Nathan's passing and this made the list. Nathan didn't get to go to any of these places. Due to his foot surgery's and pain or my complacantcy as a mother. Which I regret. I didn't give him near enough experiances in his young life. So much I wanted to do and probably should've done. They had an amazing time. It was of course hot but they endured it. All the while saying "Man, Nate would've loved this." And me saying "yes he would've but guess what he's here in our hearts loving it just as much." The kids are accepting this and making peace with that phrase. I'm sure it gets old and at times frustrating for them after all they've just lost there very best friend..who am I to keep telling them he's here in our hearts when they want him here with us in person. I get that read on there faces all to often, but its my job as a mother to keep telling them that Nathan isn't here in person but not really all that far away. I sometimes tear up about this because what I wouldn't do to just change this or let them have a moment in time with there brother. For us to keep on keeping on I have to be repetitious and at times I think its for myself more. I find myself having those moments of "Is this real?" "Did I really just lose my son?" and not being able to wrap my mind around it. Its been on my mind how I wish I could have kept a journal while Nathan was a baby. I've been writting poems and stories from my imagination since I was a small child..Why oh Why did I not write about my son as a baby? Why did I not record those moments in time that would mean so much now? When your child is gone for good..and your sitting in your most darkest hours and your replaying your own memories or in my head they play out as movies of my time with him...what do I really have? I have small moments in time but there faded. Not at the fore front of my recollection. Almost like a black and white movie that skips parts. When if I'd just taken the 5 mins from LIFE and I'd have a color version that is in one piece. Besides journaling what else do I wish I had? PICTURES....this i'm sure is the first thing one would think of. When I had to say goodbye to Nathan I panicked. Why you ask? I knew i wasn't much of a picture taker in fact I'm sure my friends and family would be the first to tell you I rely on there camera/phone to take pictures if something of sorts needs recorded in history. Oh how I wish I'd done better. I swear after Natalie I got second and third child syndrome. Oh, come on you mothers know what I'm talking about. Where you take TONS of pics of your first child. You go every 6 months to do pics or keep that camera not far away then when the next ones come you slack off and its not that important. This is one thing I'd have for sure done differently. Not just for myself and my own photograph books, but for my  other kids. You don't have these babies and anticipate the worst thing that could in fact happen...that Heavenly Father will call them back home. With this I have now changed how I view these tangible things. My whole life all I ever wanted to do and be was a stay at home mother and have tons of babies. It was never in the plan I'd out live one of them. Its happened none the less and now I'm here sharing the things I would do so differently. My kids are the one constant in my life. 

Scrapbooking Surprise...

I had to post this seperate and post pics since this came as a CIMPLETE surprise...on Fri not much going on really i get this huge package in the mail...i wasnt sure what in the world it could b. So i texted my mother and asked her who Christina Trowler was. I knew with the Texarkana address she would know for sure who it was. Turns out Christina Young Trowler was a friend i knew of my sisters. I havent spoken to her directly yet but I wanted to reach out and say thank you for the scrapbooking suppies u sent me and idea magazines. Prolly 50 or more. Now i can start this big project of putting Nathans pics in something beautiful, but first im going to do a digital style scrapbook for kids. They will one day want pics of there brother so im gonna do that first. After my hardcopy book is done those pics arent being removed. So....thanks again Christina for ur package and thoughtfulness i'll be posting pics of the work done in them from time to time...