Sunday, July 29, 2012

Another kind of Realization

Today has been one of those days I don't even know where to begin because my emotions are raw and still right at the surface to where i could just loose it all over again, but I write this because one day I'll want to know and recall these moments. They are the moments that shape this grieving process. I want to start by saying this post will be raw and I'm going to describe it all very much as it happend. I have been blessed so far that I have not lost it or cried in public or just out and about. I see nothing wrong with that in fact I'm encourging such with the kids if it happens, I've just been blessed I haven't yet, but I'm sure like everything else it will happen. I'm not ready for just regular passer bys who don't know me to give me looks and ask questions of whats wrong. Because I'm liable to say ALOT IS WRONG IDOT I JUST LOST MY BABY..isn't it written in scarlett letter on my forehead that my kid is GONE! So, for that I count my blessings. The day that happens I'm asking now for forgiveness to that unlucky passer by. Nick loves Nathan's shoes. They are 2 sizes to big he will where them anyway. I guess a way from him to feel closer to his brother so I allow this hoping he doesn't get blisters. Nick has gotten to where he says he doesn't want to go to church because he feels left out. Nathan always had a way of bridgeing the gap and was Nicks intrepter for awhile. Meaning Nick has always had a hard time with speech and not being clear and Nathan helped him. Always letting Nick tag along with him and the older boys. He's favorite phrase is "I'm bored" poor guy just wants a friend to play with. He got so used to adapting to Nathan and his older friends. My heart breaks for him and Natalie. Its one thing to know your kids get hurt riding there bike or scrape a knee. We know this is tempary it will heal in time, but with this...I know they will always have a hurt here I can never fill or fix. Oh, what I wouldn't give. I have avoided really paying attention to the primary room at church where the children go and have singing and sharing time. For reasons I don't know..I should've probably addressed my feelings there. Today was the day I'd face it. To really give it my full attention and in away for me a different kind of realization that YEP he is GONE! To look in and see his chair that he always prefered. I mean I can see it clearly. How he sat and crossed his legs just so and seeing him lick his lips because they stayed so dry and wouldn't keep up with chapstick to save his life. Seeing him in his long sleeve white dress shirt with grey slacks and nope not a tie forget it. And his blonde hair and cow lick that if I let go uncut for to long he was complaining. But I often forgot as Life got in the way and busy doing other things. But this image is like a movie I can see in my head. I was a primary teacher for the 8 yr olds which is Nathans group but I had the other group. I didn't want to teach my own child. Just never works out I've done that before. But I can clearly remember all the times I looked over and glanced at him during singing time and how he hated to be picked to do anything because he was so shy but he'd go up cause he was asked. As I looked in from the side the overwhelming feeling came and I cried...tears just streaming down my face. I didn't mean to release the flood gates or for anyone to see me. Honestly it felt as if the world just had me in it. As I watched this movie in my memory. But people came up to me and asked if I was ok. And then I realized I wasn't in private anymore. I wanted to get up on the primary table and SCREAM! Do you not see it or feel someone missing? Do you not care? Why can't you just stop for me for a WHOLE MIN and acknowledge MY SON is no LONGER here!! Notice that my heart is a MILLION pieces over here and I have no way of knowing how this jigsaw puzzle of whats left of it WILL or ever CAN be repaired. I know people don't know what to say to me when they see me. Or if its ok to talk about it...Let me just say...I LUV talking about Nathan. He was my WORLD! I could talk about him all day every day. Don't avoid it. Talk to me about it. I'm dying inside to talk about it. Talking about him keeps him alive for me. After awhile a few great sisters let me talk about what i was thinking and try and explain it. One suggested I get a preisthood blessing. Not something I would've thought to do or probably even asked for if on my own. After a while our Bishop came around the cornor and saw my tear streaked face and asked how i was and one of the ladies suggested I get a blessing and he offered to administer one to me. We traveled to his office and I sat there just cried a river of tears. I'm not sure if anything I said made sense as I was feeling so much during those moments in his office. I do know it was just what I needed right then. The blessing blessed me with peace and that in those hard moments I'd feel Nathan by my side bouying me up almost. Tears flowed from my face the entire time and after he finished I could hear nathan saying to me "see mom, I told you it was gonna be ok". Then the tears fell again. I needed to hear him at that moment and in my minds eye i saw his beautiful smile and the gleam he had in his eyes as he smiled. Knowing it is really all gonna be ok. This is a process and this is but a season in my life. A dark one, but a season none the less. This picture I have in my head most LDS members have seen its one of Jeasus welcoming home his son saying job well done. I'm gonna post a few of the pics that have brought me some peace the past few days and the one that is sorda like the one I'm describing. I tried to google the one I have the mental image of and the words at the bottom but I can't find it so this one is similar. At the end of today as I ready myself for bed I reflect on the events of today..its been a hard emotional one, but I reassure myself that this is just season and things will get better and tomorrow is a new day.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

6 Flag pics

Things I'd Wish'd For...

I have tons to blog about tonite...and a few things I'll post on here but can't find away to move them from my phone and email to myself to post on here so I'll do it from my phone so that everyone can see. Katie finally sent over the balloon release clip/video she did from the Nicks party. So excited to share that. My heart is very full today. And Nathan has been close to my thoughts the past few days. As I've taken Natalie and Nick to 6 flags my nearest and dearest friend Monika Stoker. We've been friends for 12 yrs. Our kids for the most part are the same age. She's been there with me everyday down this journey and I know she'll be there throughout my life. So, when we planned this trip to take the kids I knew we'd have fun. I have a list of things I've promised Natalie and Nick we'd do this summer since Nathan's passing and this made the list. Nathan didn't get to go to any of these places. Due to his foot surgery's and pain or my complacantcy as a mother. Which I regret. I didn't give him near enough experiances in his young life. So much I wanted to do and probably should've done. They had an amazing time. It was of course hot but they endured it. All the while saying "Man, Nate would've loved this." And me saying "yes he would've but guess what he's here in our hearts loving it just as much." The kids are accepting this and making peace with that phrase. I'm sure it gets old and at times frustrating for them after all they've just lost there very best friend..who am I to keep telling them he's here in our hearts when they want him here with us in person. I get that read on there faces all to often, but its my job as a mother to keep telling them that Nathan isn't here in person but not really all that far away. I sometimes tear up about this because what I wouldn't do to just change this or let them have a moment in time with there brother. For us to keep on keeping on I have to be repetitious and at times I think its for myself more. I find myself having those moments of "Is this real?" "Did I really just lose my son?" and not being able to wrap my mind around it. Its been on my mind how I wish I could have kept a journal while Nathan was a baby. I've been writting poems and stories from my imagination since I was a small child..Why oh Why did I not write about my son as a baby? Why did I not record those moments in time that would mean so much now? When your child is gone for good..and your sitting in your most darkest hours and your replaying your own memories or in my head they play out as movies of my time with him...what do I really have? I have small moments in time but there faded. Not at the fore front of my recollection. Almost like a black and white movie that skips parts. When if I'd just taken the 5 mins from LIFE and I'd have a color version that is in one piece. Besides journaling what else do I wish I had? PICTURES....this i'm sure is the first thing one would think of. When I had to say goodbye to Nathan I panicked. Why you ask? I knew i wasn't much of a picture taker in fact I'm sure my friends and family would be the first to tell you I rely on there camera/phone to take pictures if something of sorts needs recorded in history. Oh how I wish I'd done better. I swear after Natalie I got second and third child syndrome. Oh, come on you mothers know what I'm talking about. Where you take TONS of pics of your first child. You go every 6 months to do pics or keep that camera not far away then when the next ones come you slack off and its not that important. This is one thing I'd have for sure done differently. Not just for myself and my own photograph books, but for my  other kids. You don't have these babies and anticipate the worst thing that could in fact happen...that Heavenly Father will call them back home. With this I have now changed how I view these tangible things. My whole life all I ever wanted to do and be was a stay at home mother and have tons of babies. It was never in the plan I'd out live one of them. Its happened none the less and now I'm here sharing the things I would do so differently. My kids are the one constant in my life. 

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Scrapbooking Surprise...

I had to post this seperate and post pics since this came as a CIMPLETE surprise...on Fri not much going on really i get this huge package in the mail...i wasnt sure what in the world it could b. So i texted my mother and asked her who Christina Trowler was. I knew with the Texarkana address she would know for sure who it was. Turns out Christina Young Trowler was a friend i knew of my sisters. I havent spoken to her directly yet but I wanted to reach out and say thank you for the scrapbooking suppies u sent me and idea magazines. Prolly 50 or more. Now i can start this big project of putting Nathans pics in something beautiful, but first im going to do a digital style scrapbook for kids. They will one day want pics of there brother so im gonna do that first. After my hardcopy book is done those pics arent being removed. So....thanks again Christina for ur package and thoughtfulness i'll be posting pics of the work done in them from time to time...

A Few Tangible Things...

We have a few new things that i wanted to write about and post pics so everyone can see. First, Natalie specifically asked for a pendent to wear on a necklace. Its absoultely beautiful. It is silver with a profile of a little boy then on the other side is Nathan's name and then his death date on it. She saw it in the James Avery magazine. I had to get it when i saw the look on her face at just the pic in the magizine. She luvs it! I know its mean of me..when i went to pick it up and the sales lady opened the small envelope and gently laid it out for my viewing it she was lookin at the pedant and the read the date on back and she looked at me and said "6-16-12...oh just a month old how sweet"...i looked her dead in her eyes and said " thats the day he passed ma'am." And of course she choked up and started with the sorrys. Just gets on my nerves dont assume. Our next item(s) is oir 2 other quilts were delivered yesterday.. Last time i dedicated a whole post to the kids blankets. With Geoff and I's i wanted to show pics. My feelings dor these blankets are the same. As i suspected would b the case. I may very well have to pack mine away until the day comes I can hold it. Just not something I can do right now. Mines the one with his diary of a wimpy kid shirt on it, alot of his PJ's. Ive posted on here im sure that i burried him ib Lego Star Wars PJ's..i have a connection to him and pj's so im greatful mine was done with that. Geoffs has some of the Army clothes we'd gotten him over the yrs. So his is extra special to him. He luved it. Mt hope is that I'll b able to look at my blanket and not cry but just cuddlr with it. Right now i just cant...we would like to thank Amy for everything she did to make them and get them to us so fast.

Official Deployment

By now most everyone now knows our family is yet again again gearing up for another deployment. Geoff leaves on Aug 28th. We've been gettin alot of "man the timing sux.". Or "how are u feeling about this". This Blog is great cause I can address this where everyone can read it here direct from the correct source. The timing here sux it does but as Geoff has said many times No timing i perfect for a deployment on ANY family. It just so happens that our family is going through alot rite now. Fact of thr matter is we've been prepareing for this deployment for over a yr. I honestly hate knowing that soon in advance about deployment. Im a just give me the orders ur leaving 48hrs before and go..otherwise, im sittin around waiting on it and the mission is on again off again about 50 million times before orders are in hand. Its psychologically draining. Just tell me and go! But this is a for sure thing. So, in this instance its bren nice to have some to get things wrapped up with Nathan's stuff before he leaves and the kids needed extra prep time especially since Nathan's loss is still fresh. There doing well. They were already prepared Dad was leaving anyway. They know this is there dad's job. We are a military family and this is what we do. Geoff's boss General Hall did call me in personally and ask me directly how i felt about it and if id have said dony send him i feel sure he would take gim off this mission. Another fact is Geoff hasnt deployed since '08 so our deployment card is due..if he stayed back here and didnt go now in 5-6 when another unit went that was going that needed a Sgt Major position that does what he does...he'd have to go with them. We can't hit and miss on this forever. He's put alot of time and energy and time away from us while planning this mission he's going on and he wants to go with the guys hes training with and see for himself how the execution of this misssion go. Otherwise he'll b sittin here wondering and thinkin bout it. So, im feeling ok about it. This is sadly apart of our normal. I am a military wife right now and this is what we do. We send our husbands to war and we stay behind and keep what i call our militarys children lifted up and help them understand why. We are everywhere on different parts of the world but this is our life we dont like it sometimes we just about hate it, but we do it...

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Blankets of Luv

2 of 4 of the most amazing blankets a dear friend made were delivered today...they took my breath away when she unveiled them. Ive waited patiently to see how she would connect the strands of fabric that were once worn by my sweet son and in some cases passed down and worn by Nick. I didnt know weather to smile or cry at first. Some things he wore just 2 wks before he passed. Each square and inch was i know sewed with care and she honestly couldnt have done a better job of pickin what shirts/pants/pj's would go where and for which kids blanket. I ran my hand over each square and shed a tear for each piece as my son had worn these. Some holey from his roughness and each carrying there own unique memory. My mind plays like a movie over each some articles have more than one moment in time connected. I cry. In some ways this is healing and some ways my heart checks itself and says please Lord tell me this is an awful nightmare? But my mind confirms this is my reality and my personal hell on earth to have to endure this. One min these clothes were washed, folded and ready for wear by a once healthy boy. Nathan would drive me crazy with his clothes because id wash and fold them and ina rush to dress they'd all crash to the floor and there id have to start my laundry process again. He then tought nick this nice habit... Now id give anything to pick these clothes up off the floor. Id do that all day if it would rewind time and bring my son back, but it wont this I know. Now i have them all together in a thick cuddley blanket. Definately cuts my folding time. Thank you Amy for ur time, thoughtfulness, and amazing talent. The kids luv them and infact are sleeping with them tonite. Heres the pics of each one the first is Nicks along with the back which happens to b Nathans comforter. He and nick had bunkbeds at one time and they have a harley room so we used the blanket he slept with the backing. Natalies back is just the Harley logo. I wanted nicknto have the big motorcyle piece to remind him of the boys riding my dads motorcycle..how he luved that. We miss u sweet boy...

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Enchanted Rock Memories

I'm not even sure where to begin today. I'm sure this post will b all over the place so im puttin the sorry out there now. Ive been reflecting back on a trip i took with the kids mothers day weekend. My best friend, Kristi, has 2 boys that my sons just adore. She spur of the moment asked if i wanted to go out to her parents house.. my kids luv going out there especially Nate..they have a beautiful house around Lake LBJ..her parents are amazing hosts when we've been there and always made us feel so welcome. On Sunday we decided to take the kids on a hike up Enchanted Rock. Its amazingly beautiful and its a good steep hike. Nate's foot never stopped givin him issues even after his March surgery to correct his flat footedness. So while the other kids hiked on ahead I got to stay back with him since he was trying not to injure himself. I got a chance to talk to him and REALLY get to know him. As parents we get so caught up in tne world..BUSY! We dont take those small moments and learn somethin new about our kids. Who are they? Who will they be one day? What is there personality like? Now with 3 kids i admit i let life get in the way and i do wish i couldve known my son a bit better made more memories with just him instead of always takin all the kids if we did anthing. Im seriously gonna start takin the kids on outings alone once a month. So i can make these sweet memories. He picked me flowers which was one of the sweet things he did..i even got pics of our time i'll share here. Im sure i may have posted them on his FB site that was started, but hey...this my blog..lol i'll repost them if I want too..lol. For real i repost only so u can see his happiness in corrulation to that particular day. Maybe this was one of those days Heavenly Fathers hand paved. He let me have that day and all the smiles to go with it. He talked about that hike for weeks after. I gave him my time that day...how grateful i am. This was my reflection of past memories...now to a presant one...nick got bubbles for his birthday. He adores bubbles..these particular bubbles are the wand ones it comes in a long wand type container and u can swing it around and basically the wind or ur blowing onto the wand will release the bubbles..moms u know what im describing i hope. So Nick was in the front yard havin a good ol time looks at me and says " look mom how beautiful" i look at him and say "surely are luv." He says "Nathan would luv these." I said " he sure would." He contiues on for a moment more making beautiful bubbles..they really are beautiful i urge u to pay attention next time ur child blows bubbles. Anyhow, he then asks me "if Nathan/spirits forget us or there luved ones when they pass?"' I took him in my arms and said " of course not baby. Heavenly Father wants us to b families forever why would he let Nathan forget us?" He shruged his shoulders says "i dunno." and he smiles. Ahhh...what a relief he didnt question that farther hes big on questions these days. But im blessed i had such an answer to give him. One that i hope brought him a tiny morsel of peace.

Monday, July 16, 2012

A Month Later....

As the title tells the obvious today is the 1 month mark that Nathan left us. I have just about a million thoughts and feelings swirling through me today on this day that seems to have arrived to fast. Feels like we've been on this roller coaster ride that just has done nothing but looped to loops. And i'm just screaming let me off...the irony is i luv a good roller coaster the difference here of course is one that's been an emotional roller coaster that i'd have GLADLY opted out of. I got up this morning not thinking I'd go to the cemetary. My outlook on going is one that's simple. If i feel it I go I don't force it or say its the marked day. I don't push this. Today was not one I needed to go this AM but about 1230 pm i was moving pics to a flash drive that's Nathan's special one with all his pics on and an overwhelming feeling to go overcame me. I knew I had to get there before 1:56..That's the exact time we shut the machines off and Nathan "officially" and medically left this world. I feel in my heart his spirit passed much sooner and I was just fighting for my baby..anyhow, I rushed out of here to Walmart to get some flowers as I hate to go empty handed. Anything I can do to make my babies place of rest beautiful while I'm there I'll do. Flowers add something sweet and simple to a place like that. I never really understood why u lay flowers or go all out on a place that just screams sadness. I'm sorry...I'm sure some would say that this is a place of refuge for them. And maybe as time passes and things aren't so raw that will be the case. For now, this place is the place where my baby is at rest till the day he rises and I can finish my job of raising him. And that for me is a sad place at this moment in time. One of kisses never to be given and one I can't hold and rock him when i so wish i could do that. One I have to leave and turn and say "goodbye Nathan" all over again. Yep, this is just a bit much for one mother to bare for now. For whatever reason I rushed down there luckily without accident or traffic violations, but I indeed made it at 1:40. So I sat my blanket out I take each time I go and picked up the old stems of what I laid out the last time I was there. Of course they are wilted and old and not one that I'd want my baby to see. As that's for sure depressing. And laid ever so gracefully a bouquet of the most beautiful daisies I'd ever laid my eyes on. Blues, Purples, Yellows, Oranges...the most beautiful mixture. And I laid there.. Felt the wind on my face and felt the tears fall. I didn't stop what was sure to come. The weeping of what was... could've been and what I will one day have. Yes you say. A lot. But I let it come as this is a process. As the time came I just laid there and let time pass as quickly or slowly as it needed to. I wasn't there when they declared him gone so this was i guess a way for me to say that "goodbye" one needs from that moment. I did get a goodbye when he was still connected to the machines, and after they were unhooked i again went back and saw what was left of my beautiful son. I sang to him then and I sang again. As something about the words to a song can say so much when just speaking can be to much or u can't exactly express what ur really feeling. Music has always had that affect on me. And so I let that gift guide me. And I sang. I know my Nathan was there. And he heard my words just as I felt him there when I sang in the hospital. I do want to thank Sis Hughes for meeting me there. She arrived shortly after 2 and sat with me till i felt ready to go. It was nice to not have quiet after those moments. I still feel Nathan in this house from time to time. I go to his room and look around and see a movie in my head of our last time in there. Was not one of happiness but one of fear of not knowing what was wrong with my baby. One that I hope I remember but can put it in its respective place amongst the many memories I have. Not be what happens to come to mind first. Then I pass by the bathroom the children share and think back to bathing him and brushing his teeth that final day. And I smile and a tear or two will usually follow. This is one of my most beautiful memories and am so GRATEFUL I had and I can still see so visually in my mind. I had a meeting with our Bishop on Sunday with Nick. And he said something that I think I'll reflect on all the days of my life. He said "If you look back on the past few months you will see Heavenly Father's hand in this where he prepared you for this." I was taken aback. Prepared? Seriously? Well, whatever that was I wasn't by any means prepared, but I will do that all the days of my life.. seek to not make sense of this because there's never a good explanation to loosing a child that will satisfy any mother, but see where the LORDS had has been the past few months and where his hand continues to be as we travel this path. I know my son left my hands as i held them and said Goodbye sweet boy I'll celebrate you all the days of my life.... to our Heavenly Father's.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Memories of Nate with my Nieces

My Eulogy

I would like to begin by thanking everyone for being here today, my husband and I are touched that you care enough to show your support for our family. We are also grateful that you are here to pay your respects to our Nathan.

There is nothing more heartbreaking than the death of a child. It is unfair that our son was taken away from us after only eight short years. But, here we are today with great sadness, but also joy that we say goodbye and celebrate our beautiful child.

At first I wasnt sure how to even begin this as i could go on forever of the kind of child Nathan was. I am glad that I can be here today and share some memories with you and pay tribute to my son.

Nathan brought a smile and joy to everyone that met him. After 6 months of colic which caused me to almost by stock in enigizer batteries cause he slept in a swing the first 6 months of his life . He was always my gentle shy giant...he towered over most kids his age even from when he was a baby.

Even though he was only 8 years old, he was wise beyond his years. He was the shy, quiet type who didnt care to much for the spotlight. He loved to play with his brother and sister, loved being outdoors and go on our summer camping trips to Garner we did with kristi and Kevin. Lasr summer he finally braved and jumped off the HUGE rock at the swim hole...he was so proud of himself, riding his bike, playing wii, reading...which diary of a wimpy kid was his fav series, and shooting his little 22 rifle his grampa George passed down to him..he was so proud of that gun and had been trying to work on his aiming eye as he couldnt quiet close his left eye and keep his right eye open and was learning to shoot left handed. He loved Whaterburger hamburgers ..while Geoff was deployed in '08 his grampa George introduced him to BURGERS course it could only have ketcup on it but he loved them.... He loved my dads harley motorcycle...so much so he fell asleep and would scare us half to death..the lull of the engine while riding calmed him. He loved my triplet nieces and babies in general....his calming spirit was such that babies felt that and went to him with no hesitation. He was a protecter of his siblinglings and hated when they were bullied...he loved cub scouts...soon as school was over on Wed he rushed home and got changed in his uniform ready to go 3hrs before we had to be there. The week before his death he had the chance to attend scout day camp...how thrilled and tired he was to have that opportunity.

There is no easy way for me to say goodbye. We can’t dwell on the sadness or keeping asking the question “why?” We will never find a reason why such a smart, cheerful and beautiful child was taken from our lives at the age of 8. Instead, we should focus on how happy he made us when he was in our lives. We will miss Our Nathan forever and will always remember his smiles and laughter. He was one of my greatest joys of my life. He was a spirit chosen for me to raise on loan from our Heavenly Father....how honored i am to have been his mother and will spend the rest of my life celebrating his life...

A Child Loaned

"I'll lend you for a little time
A child of Mine." He said.
"For you to love the while he lives
And mourn for when he's dead.
It may be six or seven year
Or twenty-two or three
But will you, till I call him back
Take care of him for Me?
He'll bring his charms to gladden you
And should his stay be brief,
You'll have his lovely memories
As solace for your grief.
I cannot promise he will stay
Since all from Earth return,
But there are lessons taught down there
I want the child to learn.
I've looked this wide world over
In my search for teacher's true,
And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes,
I have selected you;
Now will you give him all your love,
Nor think the labour vain
Nor hate Me when I come to call
And take him back again?
I fancied that I heard them say,
"Dear Lord, Thy will be done,
For all the joy Thy child shall bring,
For the risk of grief we'll run.
We'll shelter him with tenderness,
We'll love him while we may,
And for the happiness we've known,
Forever grateful stay.
But should the angels call for him
Much sooner than we planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes
And try to understand."

A Celebration of Nick and our Nathan

As today marks 6 yrs ago that I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy Nick Robert Dennis...this yr was a hard time for us to celebrate but we did even in our time of sorrow. After all that's what Nathan would've wanted us to do. He seemed to enjoy himself at his party with friends that luved him as well as his brother. We did a balloon release that he and kids seemed to enjoy doing. I'll have to post the video of it...a friend taped it...It was absolutely beautiful....seeing 15 balloon's go in the air with sweet, loving messages to get to heaven for Nathan...I told Nick that I was sure Nathan read each and everyone and i was sure he was up in heaven with a kazoo blowing it to celebrate his special day...he just lit up at that this was where Nathan was celebrated. I swear his smile wipes away the tears. The kids each have habits that were Nate's as well and I see them daily. Nick crosses his legs like Nathan used to do....oh how I miss seeing that. I used to think why on earth does he do that? But now I miss seeing it everyday. Nick also licks his lips like Nathan did. There ADHD meds dries there lips out and so to keep them moist they lick them like crazy..As much as I pushed chap stick or vaseline he'd never use it. He walked around with chapped lips about half the time. Natalie smile lights up like Nate's so everytime she smiles I see him. When he smiled his eyes sparkled and her's does that too. My parents got Nick an artist eisal and can I just say they've both had so much fun drawing and stuff on it. I hope that over time it becomes a good outlit for them too. All 3 kids wanted ANY kind of pet from hermit crabs to a puppy. Course, I would not relent on the puppy for obvious reasons, I did mention to my best friend that Nick would luv a hermit crab. Of course, she and her awesome 3 boys that Nick adores came through...He just loves them. I mean adores them. I'll have to cross the bridge of them dying at some point but for now he's loving having them. They named one Nathan and of course thats the one thats the most active and the other's names is lazy for I'm sure by the name you can tell why. He wants to touch them and mess with them all the time. It keeps him in good spirits. Tomorrow marks the 1 month mark that Nathan's been gone and I'm not sure how I feel about this. I can't believe its been a month. Time sure seems to have sped up even with us grieving and trying to find our groove. We shall see what tomorrow brings and I'll post pics and the video release video of the party.

Memories..

Pic Nick drew

Friday, July 13, 2012

Nick's Road..

Today's been one of mixed feelings as I reflect back and head into a new day. Finished up birthday shopping for Nick since his party is tomorrow and his actual birthday on Sunday. He's an amazing kind of kid. He specifically wanted to invite a few of Nathan's friends from church and school to his party. Grant it they played with him to since Nick was always tagging along, but he insisted they get an invite. Even when I mentioned that it would take away from his friends..since he could only have 12 this yr...but he didn't care. How excited he was to invite them. He also insisted on a balloon release..where we'll have each of the kids write a message to Nathan or just whatever they want on the balloon with Sharpies then release them in the sky at the same time. I'm not sure how he'll feel actually doing this but he's excited none the less. Its been a tough few days as he's gearing up for his birthday and its all we talk about right now...he's lost his best friend and wants him to attend...it breaks my heart that I can't give him that one wish on his very special day. Oh...how my heart weeps for him. It's his day of course and I don't want our loss of not having his brother with us any longer over shadow how we feel about having our Nick 6 years ago. The day each of my kids were born was the happiest days of my life and that's what our focus is this weekend. We just have to keep that in prospective and still be respectful that we're all grieving and tears are okay to be shed. Tomorrow's party I hope will be one that we're all glad we did even though it's not even been a month and a party seems a bit soon, but I have to teach my children that LIFE is one to celebrate and we can't hid or stop it. It moves along and so must we...its okay to feel lost, confused, and just plainly overwhelmed, but we must go on living. Our loved ones would INSIST on it. I know that tomorrow Nathan will be watching us from his new home on high and celebrating with us for his love for his little brother was evident in everything he did. He was his protector, room mate... and now his guardian angel.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

The Beginning

Starting this blog was not an easy decision for me. I was just plainly going to write a book about this first year and the many years after losing our sweet Nathan, but my mother suggested I blog about it instead and let the kids post pics and even take time to blog on here too...I'm still gonna write that book, but thought I'd try my hand at this first.  The weeks since Nathan's passing has been a time of adjustment for our family as we try and find support groups and finding what will be our new "normal" for our family. One never expects to be 30 and going through the worst possiable experience of her life. One no mother should have to endure. I'm living my worst nightmare, but we are surviving. I'm greatful for knowledge of the gospel and what that means for us when someone we love passes. My kids have hope during a time when all hope to most kids would or could seem bleak. My 6 yr old draws tons of pics of his brothers graveside and the tree we burried him under. He draws it sunny too. On the other side he's holding Jesus's hand. I probably have 50 or more of these beautiful drawings and it gives me hope that in the hard times of our loss he'll see that death is really a new beginning for our brother, son, and friend. We are whats left behind when someone we love leaves us, but we choose how we deal with that. We are choosing to celebrate Nathan. We have times of tears and sadness, but we are so blessed we were chosen to know and love Nathan. I've said before Nathan was yes my son, but we're all Heavenly Father's children...so really...Nathan was just mine on loan. We are not promised an amount of time we have with our children or really if we will even have children at all when we come to this earth. All I'm promised is if I do my part I'll see my son again. This knowledge gives me strength. I taught him everything I could to prepare him for his next mission when his time came, and I have complete faith that what I didn't teach him Heavenly Father will do the rest. What joy this brings me. Grief is a scary thing and its one thing that I'll be doing the rest of my life. But I'll endure it with dignity to where when I look back at this time we cried when we needed to and laughed when needed too and be forever greatful that I got the honor of being Nathan Garrett Dennis' mother. What an honor that has been and so look forward to the day when I'll see my sweet boy again and embrace him and say how I have missed and loved you every day. My vision for this blog is that it turns out to be a way of healing for us. We look forward to taking this journey with you..