Things I'd Wish'd For...

I have tons to blog about tonite...and a few things I'll post on here but can't find away to move them from my phone and email to myself to post on here so I'll do it from my phone so that everyone can see. Katie finally sent over the balloon release clip/video she did from the Nicks party. So excited to share that. My heart is very full today. And Nathan has been close to my thoughts the past few days. As I've taken Natalie and Nick to 6 flags my nearest and dearest friend Monika Stoker. We've been friends for 12 yrs. Our kids for the most part are the same age. She's been there with me everyday down this journey and I know she'll be there throughout my life. So, when we planned this trip to take the kids I knew we'd have fun. I have a list of things I've promised Natalie and Nick we'd do this summer since Nathan's passing and this made the list. Nathan didn't get to go to any of these places. Due to his foot surgery's and pain or my complacantcy as a mother. Which I regret. I didn't give him near enough experiances in his young life. So much I wanted to do and probably should've done. They had an amazing time. It was of course hot but they endured it. All the while saying "Man, Nate would've loved this." And me saying "yes he would've but guess what he's here in our hearts loving it just as much." The kids are accepting this and making peace with that phrase. I'm sure it gets old and at times frustrating for them after all they've just lost there very best friend..who am I to keep telling them he's here in our hearts when they want him here with us in person. I get that read on there faces all to often, but its my job as a mother to keep telling them that Nathan isn't here in person but not really all that far away. I sometimes tear up about this because what I wouldn't do to just change this or let them have a moment in time with there brother. For us to keep on keeping on I have to be repetitious and at times I think its for myself more. I find myself having those moments of "Is this real?" "Did I really just lose my son?" and not being able to wrap my mind around it. Its been on my mind how I wish I could have kept a journal while Nathan was a baby. I've been writting poems and stories from my imagination since I was a small child..Why oh Why did I not write about my son as a baby? Why did I not record those moments in time that would mean so much now? When your child is gone for good..and your sitting in your most darkest hours and your replaying your own memories or in my head they play out as movies of my time with him...what do I really have? I have small moments in time but there faded. Not at the fore front of my recollection. Almost like a black and white movie that skips parts. When if I'd just taken the 5 mins from LIFE and I'd have a color version that is in one piece. Besides journaling what else do I wish I had? PICTURES....this i'm sure is the first thing one would think of. When I had to say goodbye to Nathan I panicked. Why you ask? I knew i wasn't much of a picture taker in fact I'm sure my friends and family would be the first to tell you I rely on there camera/phone to take pictures if something of sorts needs recorded in history. Oh how I wish I'd done better. I swear after Natalie I got second and third child syndrome. Oh, come on you mothers know what I'm talking about. Where you take TONS of pics of your first child. You go every 6 months to do pics or keep that camera not far away then when the next ones come you slack off and its not that important. This is one thing I'd have for sure done differently. Not just for myself and my own photograph books, but for my  other kids. You don't have these babies and anticipate the worst thing that could in fact happen...that Heavenly Father will call them back home. With this I have now changed how I view these tangible things. My whole life all I ever wanted to do and be was a stay at home mother and have tons of babies. It was never in the plan I'd out live one of them. Its happened none the less and now I'm here sharing the things I would do so differently. My kids are the one constant in my life. 

Scrapbooking Surprise...

I had to post this seperate and post pics since this came as a CIMPLETE surprise...on Fri not much going on really i get this huge package in the mail...i wasnt sure what in the world it could b. So i texted my mother and asked her who Christina Trowler was. I knew with the Texarkana address she would know for sure who it was. Turns out Christina Young Trowler was a friend i knew of my sisters. I havent spoken to her directly yet but I wanted to reach out and say thank you for the scrapbooking suppies u sent me and idea magazines. Prolly 50 or more. Now i can start this big project of putting Nathans pics in something beautiful, but first im going to do a digital style scrapbook for kids. They will one day want pics of there brother so im gonna do that first. After my hardcopy book is done those pics arent being removed. So....thanks again Christina for ur package and thoughtfulness i'll be posting pics of the work done in them from time to time...

A Few Tangible Things...

We have a few new things that i wanted to write about and post pics so everyone can see. First, Natalie specifically asked for a pendent to wear on a necklace. Its absoultely beautiful. It is silver with a profile of a little boy then on the other side is Nathan's name and then his death date on it. She saw it in the James Avery magazine. I had to get it when i saw the look on her face at just the pic in the magizine. She luvs it! I know its mean of me..when i went to pick it up and the sales lady opened the small envelope and gently laid it out for my viewing it she was lookin at the pedant and the read the date on back and she looked at me and said "6-16-12...oh just a month old how sweet"...i looked her dead in her eyes and said " thats the day he passed ma'am." And of course she choked up and started with the sorrys. Just gets on my nerves dont assume. Our next item(s) is oir 2 other quilts were delivered yesterday.. Last time i dedicated a whole post to the kids blankets. With Geoff and I's i wanted to show pics. My feelings dor these blankets are the same. As i suspected would b the case. I may very well have to pack mine away until the day comes I can hold it. Just not something I can do right now. Mines the one with his diary of a wimpy kid shirt on it, alot of his PJ's. Ive posted on here im sure that i burried him ib Lego Star Wars PJ's..i have a connection to him and pj's so im greatful mine was done with that. Geoffs has some of the Army clothes we'd gotten him over the yrs. So his is extra special to him. He luved it. Mt hope is that I'll b able to look at my blanket and not cry but just cuddlr with it. Right now i just cant...we would like to thank Amy for everything she did to make them and get them to us so fast.

Official Deployment

By now most everyone now knows our family is yet again again gearing up for another deployment. Geoff leaves on Aug 28th. We've been gettin alot of "man the timing sux.". Or "how are u feeling about this". This Blog is great cause I can address this where everyone can read it here direct from the correct source. The timing here sux it does but as Geoff has said many times No timing i perfect for a deployment on ANY family. It just so happens that our family is going through alot rite now. Fact of thr matter is we've been prepareing for this deployment for over a yr. I honestly hate knowing that soon in advance about deployment. Im a just give me the orders ur leaving 48hrs before and go..otherwise, im sittin around waiting on it and the mission is on again off again about 50 million times before orders are in hand. Its psychologically draining. Just tell me and go! But this is a for sure thing. So, in this instance its bren nice to have some to get things wrapped up with Nathan's stuff before he leaves and the kids needed extra prep time especially since Nathan's loss is still fresh. There doing well. They were already prepared Dad was leaving anyway. They know this is there dad's job. We are a military family and this is what we do. Geoff's boss General Hall did call me in personally and ask me directly how i felt about it and if id have said dony send him i feel sure he would take gim off this mission. Another fact is Geoff hasnt deployed since '08 so our deployment card is due..if he stayed back here and didnt go now in 5-6 when another unit went that was going that needed a Sgt Major position that does what he does...he'd have to go with them. We can't hit and miss on this forever. He's put alot of time and energy and time away from us while planning this mission he's going on and he wants to go with the guys hes training with and see for himself how the execution of this misssion go. Otherwise he'll b sittin here wondering and thinkin bout it. So, im feeling ok about it. This is sadly apart of our normal. I am a military wife right now and this is what we do. We send our husbands to war and we stay behind and keep what i call our militarys children lifted up and help them understand why. We are everywhere on different parts of the world but this is our life we dont like it sometimes we just about hate it, but we do it...

Blankets of Luv

2 of 4 of the most amazing blankets a dear friend made were delivered today...they took my breath away when she unveiled them. Ive waited patiently to see how she would connect the strands of fabric that were once worn by my sweet son and in some cases passed down and worn by Nick. I didnt know weather to smile or cry at first. Some things he wore just 2 wks before he passed. Each square and inch was i know sewed with care and she honestly couldnt have done a better job of pickin what shirts/pants/pj's would go where and for which kids blanket. I ran my hand over each square and shed a tear for each piece as my son had worn these. Some holey from his roughness and each carrying there own unique memory. My mind plays like a movie over each some articles have more than one moment in time connected. I cry. In some ways this is healing and some ways my heart checks itself and says please Lord tell me this is an awful nightmare? But my mind confirms this is my reality and my personal hell on earth to have to endure this. One min these clothes were washed, folded and ready for wear by a once healthy boy. Nathan would drive me crazy with his clothes because id wash and fold them and ina rush to dress they'd all crash to the floor and there id have to start my laundry process again. He then tought nick this nice habit... Now id give anything to pick these clothes up off the floor. Id do that all day if it would rewind time and bring my son back, but it wont this I know. Now i have them all together in a thick cuddley blanket. Definately cuts my folding time. Thank you Amy for ur time, thoughtfulness, and amazing talent. The kids luv them and infact are sleeping with them tonite. Heres the pics of each one the first is Nicks along with the back which happens to b Nathans comforter. He and nick had bunkbeds at one time and they have a harley room so we used the blanket he slept with the backing. Natalies back is just the Harley logo. I wanted nicknto have the big motorcyle piece to remind him of the boys riding my dads motorcycle..how he luved that. We miss u sweet boy...

Enchanted Rock Memories

I'm not even sure where to begin today. I'm sure this post will b all over the place so im puttin the sorry out there now. Ive been reflecting back on a trip i took with the kids mothers day weekend. My best friend, Kristi, has 2 boys that my sons just adore. She spur of the moment asked if i wanted to go out to her parents house.. my kids luv going out there especially Nate..they have a beautiful house around Lake LBJ..her parents are amazing hosts when we've been there and always made us feel so welcome. On Sunday we decided to take the kids on a hike up Enchanted Rock. Its amazingly beautiful and its a good steep hike. Nate's foot never stopped givin him issues even after his March surgery to correct his flat footedness. So while the other kids hiked on ahead I got to stay back with him since he was trying not to injure himself. I got a chance to talk to him and REALLY get to know him. As parents we get so caught up in tne world..BUSY! We dont take those small moments and learn somethin new about our kids. Who are they? Who will they be one day? What is there personality like? Now with 3 kids i admit i let life get in the way and i do wish i couldve known my son a bit better made more memories with just him instead of always takin all the kids if we did anthing. Im seriously gonna start takin the kids on outings alone once a month. So i can make these sweet memories. He picked me flowers which was one of the sweet things he did..i even got pics of our time i'll share here. Im sure i may have posted them on his FB site that was started, but hey...this my blog..lol i'll repost them if I want too..lol. For real i repost only so u can see his happiness in corrulation to that particular day. Maybe this was one of those days Heavenly Fathers hand paved. He let me have that day and all the smiles to go with it. He talked about that hike for weeks after. I gave him my time that day...how grateful i am. This was my reflection of past memories...now to a presant one...nick got bubbles for his birthday. He adores bubbles..these particular bubbles are the wand ones it comes in a long wand type container and u can swing it around and basically the wind or ur blowing onto the wand will release the bubbles..moms u know what im describing i hope. So Nick was in the front yard havin a good ol time looks at me and says " look mom how beautiful" i look at him and say "surely are luv." He says "Nathan would luv these." I said " he sure would." He contiues on for a moment more making beautiful bubbles..they really are beautiful i urge u to pay attention next time ur child blows bubbles. Anyhow, he then asks me "if Nathan/spirits forget us or there luved ones when they pass?"' I took him in my arms and said " of course not baby. Heavenly Father wants us to b families forever why would he let Nathan forget us?" He shruged his shoulders says "i dunno." and he smiles. Ahhh...what a relief he didnt question that farther hes big on questions these days. But im blessed i had such an answer to give him. One that i hope brought him a tiny morsel of peace.

A Month Later....

As the title tells the obvious today is the 1 month mark that Nathan left us. I have just about a million thoughts and feelings swirling through me today on this day that seems to have arrived to fast. Feels like we've been on this roller coaster ride that just has done nothing but looped to loops. And i'm just screaming let me off...the irony is i luv a good roller coaster the difference here of course is one that's been an emotional roller coaster that i'd have GLADLY opted out of. I got up this morning not thinking I'd go to the cemetary. My outlook on going is one that's simple. If i feel it I go I don't force it or say its the marked day. I don't push this. Today was not one I needed to go this AM but about 1230 pm i was moving pics to a flash drive that's Nathan's special one with all his pics on and an overwhelming feeling to go overcame me. I knew I had to get there before 1:56..That's the exact time we shut the machines off and Nathan "officially" and medically left this world. I feel in my heart his spirit passed much sooner and I was just fighting for my baby..anyhow, I rushed out of here to Walmart to get some flowers as I hate to go empty handed. Anything I can do to make my babies place of rest beautiful while I'm there I'll do. Flowers add something sweet and simple to a place like that. I never really understood why u lay flowers or go all out on a place that just screams sadness. I'm sorry...I'm sure some would say that this is a place of refuge for them. And maybe as time passes and things aren't so raw that will be the case. For now, this place is the place where my baby is at rest till the day he rises and I can finish my job of raising him. And that for me is a sad place at this moment in time. One of kisses never to be given and one I can't hold and rock him when i so wish i could do that. One I have to leave and turn and say "goodbye Nathan" all over again. Yep, this is just a bit much for one mother to bare for now. For whatever reason I rushed down there luckily without accident or traffic violations, but I indeed made it at 1:40. So I sat my blanket out I take each time I go and picked up the old stems of what I laid out the last time I was there. Of course they are wilted and old and not one that I'd want my baby to see. As that's for sure depressing. And laid ever so gracefully a bouquet of the most beautiful daisies I'd ever laid my eyes on. Blues, Purples, Yellows, Oranges...the most beautiful mixture. And I laid there.. Felt the wind on my face and felt the tears fall. I didn't stop what was sure to come. The weeping of what was... could've been and what I will one day have. Yes you say. A lot. But I let it come as this is a process. As the time came I just laid there and let time pass as quickly or slowly as it needed to. I wasn't there when they declared him gone so this was i guess a way for me to say that "goodbye" one needs from that moment. I did get a goodbye when he was still connected to the machines, and after they were unhooked i again went back and saw what was left of my beautiful son. I sang to him then and I sang again. As something about the words to a song can say so much when just speaking can be to much or u can't exactly express what ur really feeling. Music has always had that affect on me. And so I let that gift guide me. And I sang. I know my Nathan was there. And he heard my words just as I felt him there when I sang in the hospital. I do want to thank Sis Hughes for meeting me there. She arrived shortly after 2 and sat with me till i felt ready to go. It was nice to not have quiet after those moments. I still feel Nathan in this house from time to time. I go to his room and look around and see a movie in my head of our last time in there. Was not one of happiness but one of fear of not knowing what was wrong with my baby. One that I hope I remember but can put it in its respective place amongst the many memories I have. Not be what happens to come to mind first. Then I pass by the bathroom the children share and think back to bathing him and brushing his teeth that final day. And I smile and a tear or two will usually follow. This is one of my most beautiful memories and am so GRATEFUL I had and I can still see so visually in my mind. I had a meeting with our Bishop on Sunday with Nick. And he said something that I think I'll reflect on all the days of my life. He said "If you look back on the past few months you will see Heavenly Father's hand in this where he prepared you for this." I was taken aback. Prepared? Seriously? Well, whatever that was I wasn't by any means prepared, but I will do that all the days of my life.. seek to not make sense of this because there's never a good explanation to loosing a child that will satisfy any mother, but see where the LORDS had has been the past few months and where his hand continues to be as we travel this path. I know my son left my hands as i held them and said Goodbye sweet boy I'll celebrate you all the days of my life.... to our Heavenly Father's.