A Great First Day

I know I've taken awhile to up this post about the kids first day of school. I just get busy and with the dream this morning I felt more impressed to write about that then this, but I keep getting asked how the kids did and how were adjusting to Geoff's departure. When alarms went off Monday AM I awoke with just a feeling of "well, its finally here"... had such reluctance of how the day would go as I've been dreading this day since I could move past the funeral. The kids got up without problems and dressed and came out of there rooms with the same excitement as last yrs first day. I could see a little hesitation in there faces and nervousness about how there day would play out. I made the traditional first day of school breakfast..scrambled eggs and pancakes. Now, I normally do a ton of first day pics but this year as you can imagine I wasn't in the photographing mood, but I knew I needed something to show for the day. Keep the same routine as every other year the same for the kids sake. I lined them up and snapped there pics and did a few of them together and then loaded them in the Jeep. We arrive and of course I take a deep breath not just for me but for the kids as well. This is only half the battle of the first day now we have to go in the building and see people..face the friends of Nathan that were also left behind. As thoughts play in mind of "who will ask?" and "what will I say" dance in my head I try not to make eye contact that much with people. We took Nick man to class first and took a pic at his desk and made sure he was comfortable before heading for the 5th grade hall. He seemed to be adjusting fine so i was able to exhale. He's been dreading this day..not for reason's you'd think with his brothers passing but because we decided to hold him back and his friends are in 1st grade and now he has to redo Kinder. He'd been saying in the days before how he wanted to "just be with his friends." We've assured him that he'll do better than everyone since he's done the work before and what a great helper he'll be. So...that seemed to ease that for now. We climbed the steps up to the 5th grade hall and a feeling of uneasiness found its way to  my stomach..more of a man this is just ODD! Natalie being so anxious darts in her classroom finds her desk and starts organizing it. I went over did the same thing I did to Nick took a pic at her desk and asked her the same if she was ok? She smiled and said she was fine so I exhaled and prepared to walk out and toward the car. Now this was the longest walk ever because you just don't know who your gonna see...lucky for me I made it out the door and to my car without any questions..A looks..but these are looks I know well. Its the look of "that's the women who lost her son." And the look of "I wanna say something I just don't know what." I've said before just talk to me please..staring at me like a freak show bothers me way worse then answering questions or talking about Nathan. When I got to the car and started it up it was a huge relief that we'd survived this first. Geoff spent the day doing laundry and packing up as the next morning he headed off to Ft. Hood till the 8th where he'll train and then get a 4 day pass to come home and then head out early on the 12th to Afghanistan from Ft. Hood. When the kids got home we asked how the day went both kids said it was fine that some people did ask about Nathan and they just said he passed away. Natalie said one child didn't believe her when she told him..I guess it is still a shock to some. The shock for us sadly is wearing off and reality is setting in. Geoff headed out early on Tues before kids got up so there was no drama made the day run smoothly for them. Were doing well school flowing nicely and adjustments are being made to Geoff's absence. I took the meal calenders down since schools back up and its now time to return to life, but again we are so grateful for all the service that was rendered for our family....All in All we've had a smooth first few days of school and pray that the year goes the same.

Dream a Little Dream

I've not been as lucky as the kids on dreaming of my sweet Nathan. Its almost caused me to be a little jealous, but everyone that knows me well knows that I suffer from insomnia so I require an ambien to fall asleep. I've been plagued with this for sometime now..never really had a problem accepting this condition more than now. I hear all the time that loved ones can sometimes come in dreams. Now doesn't that suck for me since I'm almost in a somewhat sedated state to sleep so who's gonna remember a dream? NOT ME! A little bitter about that..But this AM after I got the kids off to school I came back to bed to see if I could get back to sleep for a few more hours. I guess at some point I did indeed drift off as I was listening to my ipod..as i sit here typing this it was the most REAL thing I've ever experienced in a dream. Find myself sitting here feeling some sort of relief that I had a small glimpse of Nathan. The dream took me to a hospital..a hospital I haven't a clue where or what the name was. But I was in a crowded hall just looking around wondering why on earth I'm in a hospital hall. As I turned to my left I saw a boy of about 16 on a hospital bed sitting straight up..He was blond hair and the most familiar cow lick..It only took me a moment to realize this boy that was now an almost grown man sitting there looking back at me was Nathan..not a boy of 8 but a man of 16-17. Had teenage features but had manly stature. I was shocked and it took a moment to register this was Nathan I have to stop these people from dragging him by me. I need my son! I began running towards him with my hands out stretched so I could grab a hold of him once I got to him. I was was yelling Stop Nathan make them stop...Running practically over people the bed comes to a halt as I was running I remember taking a breath like realizing that ok its stopping....When I get there he's smiling at me the biggest 8 yr old grin you have ever see and tears just begin to fall...the come in puddles. My vision at that moment gets blurry because of the tears but i soon see he's reaching out to me to hold me....I fall in his arms and while he holds me I cry....oh i cry so hard..I don't say anything but "OH my sweet Nathan". I then realize my grown son is holding me as I cry. The moment was quick I look up into his eyes and the smile that was on his face is now grown to his eyes. I then awake in tears I mean bawling....I had a small moment with my son. I can't tell you how my heart feels right now. I'm in tears now as I replay this dream back as it comes to like a movie. I just rewind that embrace. He held me...Just like I have done a million times for him when he was hurt or sad. I've spent most of the morning in tears over this, but grateful I got to have this. I have felt like more and more that he's not around as much. I guess as our lives busy with Geoff leaving and the kids beginning school were not able to stop and reflect over our Nathan..So as I begin my day I end this with a prayer in my heart of thanks and gratitude... for letting my dream surround me with my sons spirit that I didn't recognize that I needed....

The Night Before School

The Night before the big first day is one that I knew would come..one of the "firsts" that is talked about in grief counseling. One that I had no idea how I'd feel...still don't know how I feel. I do know as I washed clothes today and saw none of my Sweet Nathan's clothes only to realize I have them all on a quilt I now sleep with had me feeling like please just be a sick joke.. Just someone come in and say Ha Ha here he is...I wouldn't even be mad just grateful. But that's not the case at all. No crazy reality TV show is gonna walk through my door and say sorry bad joke. I just have the sick realization by quilts of clothes that my baby isn't here for what is supposed to be his first day of 3rd grade. I'm supposed to be a mother to a 5th, 3rd, and K. Just WHAT? I try not to be angry that he's not here. I have no one to be angry at or anything to be angry for...oh wait....he isn't here for me to kiss, see, do for, and associate with so I guess that entitles me to a bit of anger. But really anger gets you no where and is a wasted emotion. Where life just passes and you become bitter over events you can't change. To keep my other kids from being angry I can't be angry. They deal with events how the adults deal. So, I have to process things a tad differently. Especially with what a believe with all my heart happens after this life and my everyday acceptance of whats happened. Analogy to how this feels is someone out of no where comes up and slaps you in the face. Now one would get angry and do a major beat down over this or I would normally, but now picture same senerio with no anger or beat downs..just honest baffled acceptance. Kinda feels like a step was skipped right...something done to you that hurts you requires maybe a tad WHAT THE HECK? and OH YOUR GETTING IT reaction...not so here. I can have the sadness that I was hurt but I feel I can't have the anger. So tonight has me feeling sad and heart broken, anger is there under the surface that I'm keeping in check. Thank goodness for the gym that I can work it out/sweat it out. I also have these 2 other amazing kids that I've centered my world around. I never want them to think my anger is at them or with GOD. That's not the case. So as I rise tomorrow and get my kids ready to go to school and get on with finding our new normal...I say with a broken heart...let the games begin...

Meet The Teachers...

Today we got to meet the kiddos teachers...looks like our family is blessed this school year with some awesome teachers. I look forward to working with them this year to insure the kids are successful this school year despite our summer. Nick has been blessed with Mrs. Geertz. Now I have heard about this wonderful lady since Natalie was in Kindergarden. We lucked out with Mrs. Carson 2x in a row. When Nick went last year he had the honor of getting Mrs. Saul which we so luved. She was excellent with him was just what he needed for him to get to where he is now. At the end of last year he had not progressed as far as we'd have liked so I was faced with the hard decision to flag him like crazy and send him to first grade praying he does well or hold him back and let him get the chance to grasp what he missed concept wise. After many hours of prayer and thought I decided to hold him back. Was not an easy decision only because I know how much my little man wanted to advance with his friends, but I knew it was the best decision...and after Nathan's passing I now know why the decision kept me here. He would have had an even harder year this year without his brothers luv and encouragement. Nathan was his biggest helper and would've helped him along. I didn't know at the time Nathan wouldn't be apart of us this school year obviously so I'm glad I made the decision I did. Makes so much sense now. The Lord's hand in that decision I see now. He met her this morning as we were invited to a special open house from 11-12pm. That way we could get a little more time with her and hash out our concerns with him going forward to this year. I think shes gonna be a great fit for him. Natalie's home room teacher is Mrs. Bruce..she was happy with that choice so we are too. She was given the chance to ask questions and of course she goes blank doesn't even get one thing asked. Well, she was just nervous cause she was put on the spot. Let her warm up and she'll come right out of that shell. But Mrs. Bruce seems like she'll be an awesome teacher for her. I try to stay pretty involved with the kids school work. Natalie also got picked to do Safety Patrol the first 9 weeks of school. I know she wanted to that last year, but according to Natalie everyone wants a chance at doing it so it gets filled quickly. She expressed to Coach Newberry last year that she would like to do it and was told she'd be put on the list for this year. What a surprise...this just made her day. I am super excited for her. Something for her to look forward to everyday for the first 9 weeks and teach her a little about responsibility and doing work. After meeting with both kids teachers I wanted to swing by Mrs. Stewarts class room which was Nathan's teacher last year. He always swing in his old teachers room to say hey on meet the teacher night. After all it was one of his favorite things of starting a new year. Getting school supplies, backpacks, and seeing who the teacher and kids in his class were. First to be dressed and ready to get to the school. Well, we just missed her as the teachers had a 12pm meeting so I thought I'd swing by later when I dropped the kids school supplies off later at the normal meet the teacher times that afternoon. Well, I did just that i dropped each kids supplies off and headed on down to her room. I tell you I had mixed feelings about doing this because I swear I could see Nathan's smiling face from last year when we did this and met her. How excited he was to go in and see the kids from the long summer he hadn't seen and visit with and take time to get to know who'd be teaching him. Grant it he was shy so getting him to introduce himself was always hard, but he did enjoy getting to see everyone. This time she was in there and I stepped in and she was chatting with one of her students so I waited my turn to let her know I was there. Upon seeing me she said "hello" and I said I couldn't not swing by and say hello as Nathan would be so doing. And I gave her a hug. She asked how Natalie and Nick were doing and said well. She said she was gonna dedicate either Star Wars or Diary of a Wimpy kid to Nathan and then donate it to the library. Ohhh he would so luv that. Especially Diary of a Wimpy Kid. I burried him with a copy of that book so that would be awesome. Upon hearing that I wanted to bust and cry just rite then. I think my heart even stopped as I saw a huge smile that Nathan would've had. I then had to hurry and say goodbye I knew in 2.5seconds I was gonna loose it. I was breathing so hard in and out every breath just mentally telling myself a few more feet and I could spring a leak with the tears if I needed to. By the time I reached the door to outside the side entry of the school where I'd parked It was hazy and hard to see the tears were beginning to fall as I couldn't stop them at that point. I reached the car shut the door and covered my eyes and sobbed....so hard i couldn't catch my breath. Tears just fell in buckets. Not understanding at all in that moment WHY this is happening to me....Just why? Please someone....anyone...please just tell me why I have to go on  with a gaping whole in my chest that I'll have to figure out how to temparily patch the wound that seems to big to patch for the rest of my life. Knowing that at any given moment that patch could dissolve, therefore leaving the wound exposed. Exposed for all the world to see and leaving me with having to again process the WHY's. Nothing will ever fill this void of my son so a patch is the best I'll ever be able to do to sort of mend it to a point where we can survive moving forward one day at a time. I have faith that as the days turn into years this wound that is my heart will get smaller over time to where maybe a stitch will keep it held together. This is my prayer for today...

Ronald McDonald House

Since we were invited to help with the boy scouts service project a week or so ago...I've been looking forward to this evening. Many of you know that while we were in Dallas this past June with Nathan those few days we were hosted by the Ronald McDonald house close to the hospital. I'd always heard about this special house, but never been to one much less stayed at one. So, I was humbled when we could actually stay there. For those who don't know what this house is its really an amazing place. Its a house close to most children's hospitals where families can stay while there sick child is in the hospital. Its an incredible place and is really a home away from home for these families. I looked at this as a chance to give back in a way to the organization that was so kind to us in our time of need. The scouts prepared a Taco Bar and fruit for the families that stayed there. I wasn't sure how id feel by going back to the Ronald McDonald house...I realize the one we stayed at is in Dallas, but the feeling I got was so similar to how I felt when staying there. I had flash backs of staying there. A moment of anxiousness of not knowing if your child was gonna be okay. I had the opportunity of helping the wolves rip the lettuce, while doing this I had a feeling that Nathan was there..what a great time of doing service he would've had. That boy loved helping those in need the smile he wore while in service was just a breath of fresh air. I felt him by me then sweet tears fell. I just took a deep breath and kept going. I know he was smiling as I was indeed in his place doing something he luved. I plan on doing something similar to this again on the anniversary of his passing every yr. That's just something else I can do to celebrate my son. I'm telling you i'm seriously gonna do him proud doing everything I can think of to keep him alive. He won't be forgotten. That's a mother's worst fear when one of there children has passed..that they will be forgotten. MINE will not..I don't have it all mapped out but I promise when he entered this world he was meant for greatness. I'll make sure he has his earthly greatness even if that means a lifetime of dedication to different causes. I'm doing it..he's assured his own spiritual rewards. I have met with the boy scout committee yesterday and got the ball rolling on the Nathan Dennis scholarship that will send a boy to day camp that wouldn't otherwise get to go. I've talked before how he loved day camp...so I'll make sure someone else gets that experience...oh Nathan's smiling on that one I'm just sure of it. After the top 5 are narrowed down I'll visit with each applicant and see how they are with the other scouts praying for a lil Nathan inspiration on who's the choice he'd make. As there going in his name. I'll then volenteer one day at camp every summer seeing the fun they'll have that day. I know I am as well as Geoff and the kids are so excited about this coming to pass this next summer. Something to look forward to every June instead of dreading the worst day in June. As I left the Ronald McDonald House I did indeed feel the way I felt as I left it that long hard day in June. In a complete haze that I was leaving my son behind. That feeling that day we left to head back home toward Austin was the WORST!!! We had to drive by the hospital that we just said our goodbye's knowing we were leaving our son. Never to see him in this earthly life again. I remember clear as day touching the glass of my window as tears flowed fighting back sobs trying to understand how I could be leaving a child in a lonely cold place without me to protect and guide him to his next resting place. Praying hard that I'd just have the strength to make it to the next day. Well I did muster the strength and here I sit writing what will one day be my book to show that this path can be walked. The road is long, hard and lonely at times, but it can be done one day at a time. 

A Childless Birthday

My first birthday without 3 children....I guess that thought really says it all or at least it should. I didn't know what to feel about it honestly. I didn't hear Nathan's voice saying Happy Birthday Mom, or the 3 kids giggling like they probably would because of the silly card there dad gets me every year and this year there would've been tons of giggling because it was one he would've luved. This card played music oh he luved cards that did that. He'd go up and down the card aisle and listen to each of them and smile at times dancing if the song was a good one. Getting him out of a card aisle was quite the feat. If the card had stickers or anything cool inside he's beg me to buy it. I'm sure all kids do this. A memory such as this one all mothers get, but it doesn't take away the importance for you. Everything still feels very surreal for me and its until someone makes a slide show of pictures, or presents awards that a boy can only get if he's passed, makes blankets with the clothes he once wore, memory books with pictures does your world stop spinning...this is when acknowledgement has to take place....THIS IS REAL! and he's NOT coming back. The day to day of life and talking about him isn't a problem I can do that all day long. But if somethings done for him especially and SCREAMS hey mom I'm gone....yep my heart stops and its a new thing. Don't get me wrong I've been humbled and honored that everyone thinks of him to do such kind acts of service for us...but each thing has been a different type of confirmation. I've been reading a great book that has crazily given me great comfort. Life Everlasting...its an LDS book but oh me the insights it has given me on concepts I knew but hadn't thought about in a long time has opened my eyes and comforted my heart. My son indeed had somewhere else he had to be right now to do something that only HE could do...now that's pretty amazing. How can I not be happy for him? And how can I be poor pitiful me when I knew exactly what I was getting into? I picked these challenges...I can let this kill me or be my greatest mentor to help others who have and will walk this same path I am on. I hope I can do that.. it will help heal my heart and celebrate my son. At the end of the month the meals will stop..I want each and everyone that did something for us during these past 2 months know we thank you for your time, thoughts, and prayers. I stopped the meals because although service is a wonderful thing..for us it would keep us from moving on. Were trying to establish a new normal with everything..doing the things we'd otherwise do. We're looking forward to doing this seeing where and what our future holds. Its one child less, yes, life is still yet to be lived, memories and experiences still left to be had. That is what this life is all about. I can tell you joy can be found in the depths of great sadness if your heart is willing to see it...and that's what our family continues to focus on...the JOY of the bigger picture of what is and whats to come.

A Child of God Pt 1

My heart is VERY full tonight as I sit behind the computer and try and be very real about it all. Tears are falling in large sums and it seems as if I should have a huge puddle at my feet but I wipe them away knowing there not the last of what I'll shed in this long journey. Nathan's scout presentation was tonight and our family attended. It was the most beautiful experiance..our blankets Amy made were used as decoration and Nathan's school picture that we sat at the funeral and visitation was at the back of the room along with a white mat I wanted all the scouts in attendance to sign so that I could fill it a few pictures I received from friends of Nathan's week at scout camp. Which will be a great final addition to the other mats I sat out for guests at the visitation and funeral to write small messages and leave there signature. I did indeed have a guest sign in book but you know honestly those are usually stored away and not kept out. Who wants a book that was given to them by the funeral home they used to help them bury there son sitting out to view from time to time? Ummmm...yea not me. I opt out of that one. So I had the idea to have a mat sitting out for guests to sign that I could hang on the wall to view. Its a tradition that seems common at LDS wedding receptions but I thought this would be a way to celebrate Nathan just as there meant to celebrate the happy couple. They boys preformed songs they learned at camp that apparently Nathan enjoyed. So it was fun to hear his "camp songs" he learned that week. I had a vision of him learning them and being completely silly...He loved to laugh and what a laugh he had. After songs a family friend had prepared a slide show of pictures that I've collected of Nathan that will go in his scrapbook..the pictures were set to the most beautiful rendition of "I am a Child of God" performed my insideout I have ever heard. That was one of his favorite primary songs. I swear this song has taken such a deep meaning for me the past few months. As a child we learn this song and we sang it in primary often. Its one of the most persistent songs you hear primary children sing. The words are just words then and even after your an adult it touches you when you sing it and hear the children sing it, but after you loose a child and sing it aww the meaning it takes on is COMPLETELY different. You can't see my tears..but know they are flowing and my heart feels like its been just ripped out of my chest. When I was a child and learned this song I never expected that one day I'd grow up and have a child pass away to where the feelings you get when singing or hearing this song are bitter sweet. To where its joy and pain. To where its a reminder that my son is gone..having to find peace that I didn't fail him and taught him what he needed to learn in his earthly home. During the slide show Natalie sobbed through it so of course my tears flowed. Your heart breaks for your children when you know they are in pain and hurting a hurt that will be there the rest of there earthly life. The slide show was beautifully done and added a tender spirit to the night. I felt my Nathan with me as I heard that rendition of his favorite song so I'm grateful it was chosen as the music. Our family got awarded the Spirit of the Eagle award which is a an award that's not given often which is a good thing as its awarded to the families whose son pass away while in the cub/boy scouting program that were on there way to one day receiving there Eagle Scout Award. Were honored that Nathan was awarded this. Since he loved cub scouts and I'm sure obtaining his Eagle Scout would have been in his future. We also got told that Nathan will have a brick with his name on it placed on the ground or wall at the new Boy Scout office that we can go see anytime we want. So that's pretty amazing. A part of the speech the gentlemen who presented our family with these awards left me with intresting feelings...the part where he said when your son passes your dreams fade and die. I don't feel that way at all. Yes our sons earthly dreams died...but now our dreams aren't the earthly kind they have transcended into what will now be our eternal dreams. Which are that we WILL have our families forever. So, I've had to change my thinking on the issue of now my hopes and dreams for Nathan are dead.Nathan's wolf den leader then presented me back a project she undertook with with Nathan's scout shirt and his camp clothes and things he had/wore during that week. She put it all in a shadow box which is so beautiful. When speeches and awards were done the boys did one of Nathan's favorite things he did at camp..it was shooting the BB guns..yep that had to be revised to something they could do so they did the cucumber regada that he enjoyed at camp. Where they scoop out the cucumber and use the other shell as boats and then race them. Nick got to participate in this and boy did he have fun with his "Sir Jack Sparrow" boat. He says he won 3rd place but I have no proof of that.LOL! I was asked if doing another balloon release was a good idea since I had done one at Nicks birthday party since I had read it was in intresting way for people to say "Good bye" to there loved one...I of course said not at all so another amazing balloon release was done. The balloons released this time were silver and some where white with silver stars on it. I think that's fitting since Nathan sits amongst the stars now. I ended with Thank you's for everyone's hard work..it was a beautiful celebration that was put together. I thank everyone who had anything to do with planning, participating, set up, cleanup it was all so nicely done our family appreciates everything...Nathan was there in spirit just smiling with approval...I'm posting the song I was discussing above and the pictures with it are beautiful...