Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Sickness and Restored Health

I know its been a long while since I've sat down to blog. Partly because I've tried to avoid how I'm doing. I guess that's due to the fact I somehow don't feel this is a safe place to be my most honest any longer and I wanted to wait until I felt safe here again. Dealing with how overwhelming this all is at times can be a test. As y'all know I've spent the past 16 days sick. Not being able to keep anything down everything going straight through me. I thought I had a virus the first 7 days then I suspected I had a bacteria I may have caught on my last 5K run I recently completed since a few of the obstacles where in NASTY pond water. Upon test results it revealed that I was just fine. Only left to the conclusion that Grief, Stress, and Emotional Distress caused my body to react this way. I lost 8lbs and almost became dehydrated and almost went to the ER for an IV. This was the first time anyone has been sick in this house since losing Nathan. I was literally stuck in this house for 16 days. I have never felt so suffocated my memories of my son in my life. The kids went to school leaving me alone to lay in bed. I wouldn't go into living room and sit on the love seat my son laid upon while being severely sick and dying. I couldn't walk by the kids bathroom where I spent some of his last moments with me. He was severely dehydrated and in a somewhat in and out of conscious state..eyes rolling back into his head almost passing out on me several times. And me saying "Nathan just stay with me." That phrase stays in my head and I laid in bed with it for 16 days. I wept many days cause I just needed to leave and my body couldn't. I started to hit a small depression knowing I needed to get out and not being able to as well as my body starving and wanting of all things chicken wings and Chili's Texas cheese fries, but was left with toast, water, and gatorade. Not being able to workout during this time killed my spirit to. Working out is more than a fitness routine for me. Its my stress relief, something I love and need daily. I'm indeed grateful for the friends who called and checked in with me, went to the store for me, and even bringing in a meal for my kids. No energy equaled no cooking so soup, sandwitches, and cereal was what was on the menu in our house. I can totally see how Grief can in time kill you. I say it like that because while your grieving your body is in such a deprivation state leaving your mental/emotional state to sink as well. Leaving your soul basically failing apart and over a course of time it could indeed kill you. At some point someone I think my mother suggest I get a preisthood blessing. I am at such a bypass with how I feel spiritually. The last time I asked for a blessing it was for my dying son. I honestly only had a pea size amount of faith that night and remember willing myself to completely rely on that. That Heavenly Father grants miracles all the time. Why not for my righteous son who was recently baptized? Course he would give me my son back. Not so much folks. Sometimes the great ones DON"T get the miracle. How nuts is that? So asking me to have faith in getting a blessing for healing when that lonely nite several months ago I asked and believed it would give me my son....it didn't. I have never in my life had my faith tested so much. I have seen miracles in my life. Saw my inactive father all of a sudden decide to become active in church when I was 15 and in a yr we were sealed. When I had almost lost hope that would never happen indeed it did. I have seen children who recovered quickly after receiving a blessing. And when I needed more than anything to have a MIRACLE in my life it didn't. So, i was hesisitant to ask for one, but I did. Again, I cried through the entire blessing remembering the words of Nathan's blessing having flashbacks of feelings I felt and prayers I was whispering while the prayer was being offered.  A few days later while in the shower thinking I had an impression to take the probiotic the Dr. insisted I begin the week earlier but didn't because I wasn't sold it would help knowing also it could make my stomach worse. The impression was so strong I got out of the shower quickly, ran to the kitchen and took the first pill. That evening I was able to keep a potato down and my stomach wasn't gurgling any longer. By Monday it was clear I was well. So, I think indeed impressions come at times we least expect. Does this experience restore the faith that was tested and diminished months ago? No..I think that's a process that happens over time not upon one moment. I hope I can get back to where I want those blessings but right now there's nothing but that one defining moment to where I asked and had the most precious thing taken from me anyway. While I was sick I did make myself get out for my Breaved Parents group that's 2x a month. I always walk away with mixed feelings but I do enjoy being in the presence of other mothers and fathers who are walking the same journey I am. Our children all passed at different ages and from different things, but we are all equals in the fact that for us our journeys are one in the same. We are learning how to heal our broken hearts and sharing bits of ourselves to help one another. Its amazing the strength that's in that room. Knowing what I feel they are feeling it or have at one time or another. Our Leader Janie shared this excerpt out of one of her favorite books with us and I'll end my entry with it.....
                                                              ~Heavy~
I thought I could not go any closer to grief without dying. I went closer and I did not die, Surely God had his hand in this, as well as friends...Then said my friend Daniel (brave even among lions), "It's not the weight you carry, but how you carry it--books, bricks, grief--It's all in the way you embrace it, balance it, carry it, when you cannot, and would not, put it down.
                                                                                                          Mary Oliver