Notes From Heaven...

I know its been awhile since I've updated this blog..I've been such a ray of different emotions the past few weeks. Trying to figure out which emotion I am that its hard seeing how I go through every end of the spectrum. Happy, content, angry,grief stricken, depressed, sad, overwhelmed, frustrated, boggled and then it starts all over again. Each emotion has a different realization with a different sort of acceptance has to happen each day. I don't know that I'll ever really be able to have COMPLETE and udder acceptance of the fact that my son is gone and these emotions are what I'll carry muddling through them for all the days of my life. Each one leaves behind a different sort of loneliness that Nathan's sweet smile is what I long to see. I find myself in the boys room laying on what was once both there bed and cry. The blanket that lays on Nicks bed is the one that our dear friend made with Nathan's clothes and smell them thinking and praying I can get a whiff of what was once my son's smell, but of course its been washed one to many times for it to still linger..that brings on another round of clothes. I look at the artwork he drew on the wall and wonder if I'll ever be able to paint over it since he used his intresting imagination on the RED wall. I don't know that I'll ever be able too..tears fall again as I wonder if that means I can't move on and leave this house that I so desperately need to be away from. Laying there brings on another realization that I'm laying in one of the last spots he laid in before he left me behind. When I had no idea that I was going to be saying goodbye to my life. Memories of that day have flooded my mind as I washed him and asked him to please stay with me. But he just couldn't because this is what was supposed to happen I suppose. I write this experience out because it has happened more than once. I have found myself walking to the boys room in the middle of the night hoping to find peace or something there but all I see is Nick sleeping alone....i always hope its soundly  with sweet dreams his way. As he sleeps in the bed he shared memories and secrets with his best friend. Today I was cleaning the kitchen's bill box out to rid it of old receipts and old check registers i have no use for anymore. I found the sweetest note from heaven in there....you can't tell me it wasn't heaven sent because I had forgotten such a note was ever written but I do recall seeing it long ago. It was a card Nathan drew that say I love you Mommy on it with written in his almost unreadable handwriting. On the inside was a heart with me and I in it. I just fell to the floor in tears and held this card like it was the most expensive piece of artwork. I knew it was meant for me to find today this day after having a week of crazyness in my life I needed to know how much my son that's no longer here loved me....I have often wondered if I did enough as his mother was what he needed me to be when he needed me. I didn't get a chance to tell him or hear those words and when I read that my heart was full..I was ENOUGH! Going to church has become so hard for me. Every song has a different meaning for me than it ever did and I end up in tears the whole 3 hrs. The kids have a primary program coming up and Natalie has a speaking part and I know I have to get the courage up to go and hear her...but that also means I have to hear the kids sing and hear a program that my son should be apart of. I just am filled with so much uncertainty of how that will go and I'll deal with that. I pray I can go I want to support Natalie. As I close this and end my night I am grateful for the sweet Note from Heaven...Oh how I do indeed love you to and miss you everyday sweet boy...MWAH!

Working Through It...

Hello world...its been awhile since I've blogged but I had sooo much going on the past little while. I've been on this wild emotional roller coaster that is this "single" mother of 2 kids. I say single because really the Army has made me a single mother. One that I despise daily but accept because I have to. Now you add the "brieved" parent aspect into and you have yourself a whole other load of labels. I HATE it I really do I think I do well at being the "single" mother but the brieved part I haven't figured out. I cry for no reason and I find lately I cry when its silent and I feel I'm in the shadows of this house that's WAY to over crowded with memories of my son that's no longer here. I'm reminded everyday from a song he loved on the radio..to seein his bike in my garage that just sits and is now collecting dust...to a small steralite plastic box that has everything from pictures, a shirt, and documents, plaster of his hand print, a few things he made, but none the less its everything from 8 yrs of a life that ended way to soon. I look at this box and think REALLY? This box and a few stretch marks on my stomach and that's it. Its over... I've hit an angry stage that I'm trying to work through and understand cause honestly I'm not a bitter angry person, but its feelings I'm trying to process. Angry I had to do this, bury a child one thing that I never expected I'd have to do and actually live through it with a bit of SMALL sanity. Angry that I'm impatient and feel snappy. Angry that I'm changing as a person and I don't know what that means and who that will turn out to be. Angry that as I'm changing others aren't and there expectations of me are staying the same. Only I'm not the same and that person they knew is dead and gone. I'm angry that some people will be able to walk this journey with me and some will not only becausew my life is now different and its to much for them which in turn for me is another loss I'll have to deal with. See...I'm discovering that with the loss of  my son has come the loss of parts of myself and loss of relationships I've had. Sometimes that feels almost sufficating and I panic..just sheer panic and I have to remind myself to breathe. I'm learning to be grateful for the friends that will be able to journey with me..and for there being able to change there expectations of me which I know at times will be hard, you guys are such lights in my life and keep me in a place that makes this journey able to be traveled. I went to support group last night and I cried the whole hr and 15 mins...it was one of those soul cleansing cries only my soul didn't feel cleansed afterward it only felt hollow, lonely, and utter exhausted. When i was offered the chance to express what it was that I was feeling i cried harder because honestly I had so much emotion I couldn't speak for a min. I've had pure panic this week that Nathan's all but forgotten. The boy who's smile lit up his eyes. The boy who'd ride his bike to the end of the street for the prettiest girl to escort her to school every morning...he got up extra early to do that because her mother would only let her ride her bike unless Nathan was with her. Now I cry as I remember this because he took that responsibility so seriously and never took it lightly that he was entrusted to get her to school safely. Tears are flowing again and they come rapidly as things about Nathan come to mind. As I sit and ponder why this had to happen to us. Why I had to be forever changed without my consent by one drastic event. In therapy today I came to the conclusion I have to let this event of losing Nathan be an ASPECT of my life that just is and process through it...NOT let it DEFINE me....