Friday, February 15, 2013

Taking Power Back

Well its been awhile to say the least....I guess I have a ton of catching up to in how the months have come and gone. We're nearing upon 8 months since Nathan's death. Can u believe 8 months? His headstone will be and delivered on the March 2 so what a great b-day present for him. Since he'll be 9 on the 22nd I'm still trying to decide if I'll go to the cemetery any or if I'll just stay home. I'll be taking the day off of work for sure that day. I started a job in early December so I work FT M-F 7-3. The jobs not the greatest but I'm making money and keeping out of the house so that's a plus. Still looking for my fit in this world with a job. I imagine I'll try my hand going back to school soon. Possibly online courses. I'm seeing really quick I need to complete my degree. The kids are adjusting well to my working FT. I'm just tired a lot more but my spirits are better. I'm finding that work can be a blessing and a course. I've broken down several times in fact. I'm an Assistant Administrator for a company that does direct care for 3 MHMR programs. My workplace is DT Austin at the old Ronald Mcdonald House....let me tell you...when Nathan was sick we stayed at the RMH in Dallas. The Army National Guard arranged for us to stay there. I have good/bad memories there. I stayed there while my son was dying etc...point here is the layout of the building at work is similar to the one in Dallas so I often walk through clients rooms and I have flashbacks to our stay in Dallas. I knew what was there in that building before now...When these flashbacks happen I literally stop breathing and tears fall. I can't stop it...So another reason why I have to find another job ASAP. So I find myself not enjoying going there. Being paid 10.50 an hr to torture myself with flashback memories is what it feels like some days. So I'm sure I have a little PTSD from Nathan's death. Our lives are moving forward as our minds stay in the past is hard thing to manage some days. The kids had an alright christmas. We stayed home and didn't go anywhere, but to the cemetery. I found the most beautiful flower arrangement to lay beautiful purple and silver..The kids stayed in the car the whole time while I got out and laid my arrangement. I'm hoping 2013 and with the headstone coming soon I find myself going there more. I want to be where he is...I mean that's all as mothers  we want really is to be near them. I panic sometimes still when I look and see 2 and not 3. Going to where he is really doesn't fill the void as one would think..Cause then I get sick at my stomach thinking of him being beneath me and not beside me holding him. Group has helped me tons. I've met some amazing people and we've connected on a level one never really hopes to connect with people, but if u ever have to make such connections my advice is reach out and go to all the groups for loss of a child u can...get your kids and go. Yes its awkward, hard, gut wrenching experience,but folks its also been the most healing. I've had some of my most strongest moments of realization sitting in group discussing things. Like...the death of my son took away my power, but I don't have to live powerless. I can get it back. But I have to TAKE it back. Everyone knows I hate my house. Its a limbo hell to live here. Feels like were waiting for him to come back and he never will. So moving out of here will be TAKING my power back. I made mention of this feeling in group and I swear it was eye opening to how many others could see and feel the same thing. So its all about TAKING your POWER back. The kids recently switched rooms upon the request of Nick wanting out so since he was ready to move out of his and Nathans room I made the change. I think its been good now Natalie can have a chance to feel of her brother. She misses him everyday. Just today she told me she found pics of Nathan from last xmas on my old camera. She felt guilty for going to my sisters and not spending xmas here at home. I hugged her and said if we could've kept him under lock and key and just soaked in every moment with him we would've but we didn't know. No one could've for seen this. For if we could've I would've surely spent every moment with him for the last 8 yrs and not shared him. Would've had a video camera on him 24/hrs a day just so I didn't loose any moments of the time he was here with me. So we can't feel guilt for things we didn't know. Sad of course, but not guilt. Our family is moving forward into what future no one but our Heavenly Father knows, but our Nathan is watching us and waiting for us to see what all he's doing and has done. What a joy that will be to see what wonders my son has seen...I sit here with tears gently falling just seeing him smile and saying "See Momma I'm doing it" Course you are sweet boy...for you were born to do great things..