Ripple Effects...

Ripple Effects...I would've never foresaw all the many different ripple effects that would happen due to loss and the grief that follows. How everything changes..your thoughts, feelings, how you react. With losing Nathan my whole perspective of life has changed. One thing I can think of that has been on my mind lately is Nicholas. He's every bit like his brother. He's funny, witty, loving, even has just as tender heart as Nathan did. In fact I was just thinking yesterday...When I found out I was having him I think I looked at the ultrasound tech and said are you sure there's a boy in there? Clear as day it was just so....LOL if you get what I'm saying...So on the day my sweet Nicholas was born it was one of different emotions I so wanted a baby girl, but Heavenly Father was sending me another son to love and care for. Little did I know at the time he had a bigger plan. If many of you didn't get a chance to know my Nathan, you didn't get a chance to see how babies just went to him. It was a special gift that I think Heavenly Father gave to him. We would be in church and if there was babies or little ones behind us they would raise there hands to him and wanted to have his undivided attention wanting to go to him. His face would just light up and he wanted to have them in his lap just as much as these little ones wanted to be held. It is just something special that he has always had. Nick was no exception. From day one these two bonded as brothers and best friends. Watching them together was the most amazing thing I have ever witnessed as a mother. I was a witness to over hearing them in bed many nights laughing and playing in bed when they were supposed to be sleeping as they shared a bed up until the day Nathan passed. Nathan was the protector..i think mainly Nathan's size kept the bullies away. Nathan was my gentle giant. As I celebrated Nick's 7th b-day yesterday I've honestly feared this day. As I replay Nathan's last yr of his life. His 7th b-day. With the boys so much alike its been so surreal. So you ask whats the ripple effect of my having had my sweet Nicholas? I now live in constant fear that I'll lose Nick at 8. I constantly worry I'm only going to be given 8 yrs with my baby. This fear is one ripple effect of having lost a child. A mother lives in fear that history will repeat itself with her younger children. I constantly make sure I'm remembering things and taking pics of him so if he passes I have memories to hold on too. I didn't get enough of Nathan so I can't make that mistake again. I try and make mental note of his smile, laugh, how his eyes light up, the funny things he says, but I also know that if I was to lose him that with time these memories fade and things will again change. As I'm going through this now. I'm not sure I can survive the loss of another child. But I can tell you...that I'm not sure there is much else this life can hit me with that will surprise me...The death of a child is something no parent expects to have to live with or handle. When it happens...its like being dealt a total different hand of cards. Looking at them thinking what just happened now what do I do with these? Its a different reality you hear about but only a slim few will ever have to experience. It puts grief the center part of your life..what is it and what does it mean? Loss puts one thing into motion...CHANGE! Big or small it happens. My ripple effects have been losing friends, living in fear, it has even forced a change in myself. I see and feel differently about a lot of things now. I know now life's to short to not be doing what you love and being happy. Whatever that is...Now apart of this reflection of Nicks b-day yesterday is its possible I got sent another son because Heavenly Father's plan included me losing one. I got sent this beautiful baby that has SO many similarities of his brother. From the meds they take for there ADHD, to the video games they play, to the books they like, to how they walk and run exactly the same. To the cow lick they both have. I can almost see Nathan smiling back at me when Nick smiles at me. Its indeed a blessing and in a way its own curse because I sometimes have to disconnect from Nathan's memories to enjoy my other son. Ripple effects just happen and we can never know exactly what they will be. Our family has had so many this past year. The kids are doing well right now. They are spending the summer with Geoff and enjoying summer vacations and spending a lot of quality time with there dad. Natalie is getting taller and turning into quite the young women. She's so brave and I see her doing amazing things. Nick is getting taller and turning into quite the young man. He went to scout camp this summer and has so enjoyed doing things with them. He's big into legos and he is using such big words right now...he cracks me up cause I'm not sure he really understands half the words he uses, but he indeed is very intellectual..LOL! With all the change comes a strength each of us has had to find....and we are living proof that you can and will find it even when it doesn't seem like it's at all possible.

Taking Power Back

Well its been awhile to say the least....I guess I have a ton of catching up to in how the months have come and gone. We're nearing upon 8 months since Nathan's death. Can u believe 8 months? His headstone will be and delivered on the March 2 so what a great b-day present for him. Since he'll be 9 on the 22nd I'm still trying to decide if I'll go to the cemetery any or if I'll just stay home. I'll be taking the day off of work for sure that day. I started a job in early December so I work FT M-F 7-3. The jobs not the greatest but I'm making money and keeping out of the house so that's a plus. Still looking for my fit in this world with a job. I imagine I'll try my hand going back to school soon. Possibly online courses. I'm seeing really quick I need to complete my degree. The kids are adjusting well to my working FT. I'm just tired a lot more but my spirits are better. I'm finding that work can be a blessing and a course. I've broken down several times in fact. I'm an Assistant Administrator for a company that does direct care for 3 MHMR programs. My workplace is DT Austin at the old Ronald Mcdonald House....let me tell you...when Nathan was sick we stayed at the RMH in Dallas. The Army National Guard arranged for us to stay there. I have good/bad memories there. I stayed there while my son was dying etc...point here is the layout of the building at work is similar to the one in Dallas so I often walk through clients rooms and I have flashbacks to our stay in Dallas. I knew what was there in that building before now...When these flashbacks happen I literally stop breathing and tears fall. I can't stop it...So another reason why I have to find another job ASAP. So I find myself not enjoying going there. Being paid 10.50 an hr to torture myself with flashback memories is what it feels like some days. So I'm sure I have a little PTSD from Nathan's death. Our lives are moving forward as our minds stay in the past is hard thing to manage some days. The kids had an alright christmas. We stayed home and didn't go anywhere, but to the cemetery. I found the most beautiful flower arrangement to lay beautiful purple and silver..The kids stayed in the car the whole time while I got out and laid my arrangement. I'm hoping 2013 and with the headstone coming soon I find myself going there more. I want to be where he is...I mean that's all as mothers  we want really is to be near them. I panic sometimes still when I look and see 2 and not 3. Going to where he is really doesn't fill the void as one would think..Cause then I get sick at my stomach thinking of him being beneath me and not beside me holding him. Group has helped me tons. I've met some amazing people and we've connected on a level one never really hopes to connect with people, but if u ever have to make such connections my advice is reach out and go to all the groups for loss of a child u can...get your kids and go. Yes its awkward, hard, gut wrenching experience,but folks its also been the most healing. I've had some of my most strongest moments of realization sitting in group discussing things. Like...the death of my son took away my power, but I don't have to live powerless. I can get it back. But I have to TAKE it back. Everyone knows I hate my house. Its a limbo hell to live here. Feels like were waiting for him to come back and he never will. So moving out of here will be TAKING my power back. I made mention of this feeling in group and I swear it was eye opening to how many others could see and feel the same thing. So its all about TAKING your POWER back. The kids recently switched rooms upon the request of Nick wanting out so since he was ready to move out of his and Nathans room I made the change. I think its been good now Natalie can have a chance to feel of her brother. She misses him everyday. Just today she told me she found pics of Nathan from last xmas on my old camera. She felt guilty for going to my sisters and not spending xmas here at home. I hugged her and said if we could've kept him under lock and key and just soaked in every moment with him we would've but we didn't know. No one could've for seen this. For if we could've I would've surely spent every moment with him for the last 8 yrs and not shared him. Would've had a video camera on him 24/hrs a day just so I didn't loose any moments of the time he was here with me. So we can't feel guilt for things we didn't know. Sad of course, but not guilt. Our family is moving forward into what future no one but our Heavenly Father knows, but our Nathan is watching us and waiting for us to see what all he's doing and has done. What a joy that will be to see what wonders my son has seen...I sit here with tears gently falling just seeing him smile and saying "See Momma I'm doing it" Course you are sweet boy...for you were born to do great things..