Ripple Effects...

Ripple Effects...I would've never foresaw all the many different ripple effects that would happen due to loss and the grief that follows. How everything changes..your thoughts, feelings, how you react. With losing Nathan my whole perspective of life has changed. One thing I can think of that has been on my mind lately is Nicholas. He's every bit like his brother. He's funny, witty, loving, even has just as tender heart as Nathan did. In fact I was just thinking yesterday...When I found out I was having him I think I looked at the ultrasound tech and said are you sure there's a boy in there? Clear as day it was just so....LOL if you get what I'm saying...So on the day my sweet Nicholas was born it was one of different emotions I so wanted a baby girl, but Heavenly Father was sending me another son to love and care for. Little did I know at the time he had a bigger plan. If many of you didn't get a chance to know my Nathan, you didn't get a chance to see how babies just went to him. It was a special gift that I think Heavenly Father gave to him. We would be in church and if there was babies or little ones behind us they would raise there hands to him and wanted to have his undivided attention wanting to go to him. His face would just light up and he wanted to have them in his lap just as much as these little ones wanted to be held. It is just something special that he has always had. Nick was no exception. From day one these two bonded as brothers and best friends. Watching them together was the most amazing thing I have ever witnessed as a mother. I was a witness to over hearing them in bed many nights laughing and playing in bed when they were supposed to be sleeping as they shared a bed up until the day Nathan passed. Nathan was the protector..i think mainly Nathan's size kept the bullies away. Nathan was my gentle giant. As I celebrated Nick's 7th b-day yesterday I've honestly feared this day. As I replay Nathan's last yr of his life. His 7th b-day. With the boys so much alike its been so surreal. So you ask whats the ripple effect of my having had my sweet Nicholas? I now live in constant fear that I'll lose Nick at 8. I constantly worry I'm only going to be given 8 yrs with my baby. This fear is one ripple effect of having lost a child. A mother lives in fear that history will repeat itself with her younger children. I constantly make sure I'm remembering things and taking pics of him so if he passes I have memories to hold on too. I didn't get enough of Nathan so I can't make that mistake again. I try and make mental note of his smile, laugh, how his eyes light up, the funny things he says, but I also know that if I was to lose him that with time these memories fade and things will again change. As I'm going through this now. I'm not sure I can survive the loss of another child. But I can tell you...that I'm not sure there is much else this life can hit me with that will surprise me...The death of a child is something no parent expects to have to live with or handle. When it happens...its like being dealt a total different hand of cards. Looking at them thinking what just happened now what do I do with these? Its a different reality you hear about but only a slim few will ever have to experience. It puts grief the center part of your life..what is it and what does it mean? Loss puts one thing into motion...CHANGE! Big or small it happens. My ripple effects have been losing friends, living in fear, it has even forced a change in myself. I see and feel differently about a lot of things now. I know now life's to short to not be doing what you love and being happy. Whatever that is...Now apart of this reflection of Nicks b-day yesterday is its possible I got sent another son because Heavenly Father's plan included me losing one. I got sent this beautiful baby that has SO many similarities of his brother. From the meds they take for there ADHD, to the video games they play, to the books they like, to how they walk and run exactly the same. To the cow lick they both have. I can almost see Nathan smiling back at me when Nick smiles at me. Its indeed a blessing and in a way its own curse because I sometimes have to disconnect from Nathan's memories to enjoy my other son. Ripple effects just happen and we can never know exactly what they will be. Our family has had so many this past year. The kids are doing well right now. They are spending the summer with Geoff and enjoying summer vacations and spending a lot of quality time with there dad. Natalie is getting taller and turning into quite the young women. She's so brave and I see her doing amazing things. Nick is getting taller and turning into quite the young man. He went to scout camp this summer and has so enjoyed doing things with them. He's big into legos and he is using such big words right now...he cracks me up cause I'm not sure he really understands half the words he uses, but he indeed is very intellectual..LOL! With all the change comes a strength each of us has had to find....and we are living proof that you can and will find it even when it doesn't seem like it's at all possible.