Thursday, June 15, 2017

5 Yrs Later.....

I wasnt sure if I would ever return to this. When I started this it was an outlit for me journal so that as days turned into weeks and weeks turned into years I wouldnt forget. I suppose my only regret is I stopped. I titled this 5 yrs later because this journey began I couldnt see this far ahead of me. I could only see the day/space I was occupying. I could only figure out how to get up every day and make an attempt to survive the day. To just remind myself to breathe and put some sort of smile on my face. After all they say fake it till you make it right? Im pretty sure I wasnt doing the best job at my attempts. I never was a good liar and I do mean NEVER. So much has happend me and my
children since that day June 16, 2012. The day my spirit died. I/we have been coming to terms with so much more than just accepting this hole in my/our lives. Its more than the realizing theres no going back and do overs. Its accepting who you are and have to become...the aftermath. I cant journal how my other children feel since there journey is different than mine so all I can do is tell my truth. So the things I can honestly say that have changed in 5 years that I dont think it wouldve mattered if I had been told or given a book to read on this wouldve made it any easier. Now i was told in grief support group that the 5 year reflection is hard its probably the hardest milestone in the process. I can remember sitting there and thinking as they spoke there truths that for sure my journey would
be different after all I had a strong family support base and I had a very close circle of friends that were amazing. Little did I know that slowly there truths were changing into mine. I couldnt have forseen that my closest friends would come and go and there reasons and seasons they were in my life would be soon realized and I would also be grieveing there holes in my life too. With this journey I to have changed. That the woman in the mirror i see looking back at me isnt the me i remember anymore. I too had to evolve and become something and someone that is but a stranger to others and myself. Someone who once before was free and in a small way naive to the world and to the pain it can bring. Almost like a thief in the night life can strip you of your very existence and the reality you were so sure of before. Have you questioning every single thing you have ever been tought or learned weather it was an easy lesson or a hard one. But it doesnt matter because those thruths made you who you were and gave you hope of what was and what could be. For me those thruths changed as quick as a blink of an eye. My vision of my life had changed. It has made me strong but weak all at the same time. I can appreciate life is short and time is precious. I can appreciate and find a whole new thankfulness for the atonement. What that means to me is different...i can understand how Heavenly Father must have felt to have to watch his son die so that his other children might be able to live again and return home to him. For our heavenly parents sacrifice of allowing our heavenly brother to die my son was able to return to his heavenly home. My heart breaks and it gives me some peace to know that when my life is done someone far greater than myself will and does understand this pain and hell on this earth i endure. I just pray my place in line by son is being held. Its helped me be able to count my blessings even the small ones. Its helped me to look at life like if i can endure this and survive then I can endure anything. Now this strength is also my greatest weekness. Ive been able to walk away from some pretty amazing people that have crossed my paths the past 5 yrs. My reasons for walking away were looking back dumb but its what I felt at the time. I suppose I needed someone who could understand what this pain means and someone who could comprehend my loss to some small degree. Someone who could make me feel safe and convince me on my worst day that it will be ok and that I can do this. I have found it so easy to say you know i have had to walk away from my sons lifeless body as I sang Families Can Be Together forever so walking away from anything else is easy peasy. Have found myself making excuses as to why thats so easy. When in reality i never want to have to walk away from a situation like that ever again. I want to believe its made me immune and numb to all pain some sort of expert to it. Its laughable i know. Its caused me to but up barriers so high to protect myself and my kids from anyone or anything ever bringing this kind of pain to our lives ever again. I didnt by a ticket to this roller coaster the first time. In the end in 5 yrs its caused me to become awfully lonely and made this pain 10x worse. Caused me to have to self reflect daily if I like who I am and who I'm becomming. I often dont but its a new chance to make peace. I pray with the next 5 yrs I am able to let the barricades down and let people in and give people a chance. I have come to the realization atleast for now i wont be taking family photos. I dont need a visual reminder of what is missing. After all I live with it every day. I do take lost of pics of the kids these days though to document there accomplishments. They are my greatest joy in this life. My purpose for continuing on daily even when i could easily give up. My spirit after all feels dead and this body of mine keeps going because I tell it to. But its just a shell. I make efforts to keep it healthy to keep going...what i eat and my working out. Try to keep it focused with meditation and yoga. And even again try to make my spirit believe its happy with this smile i put on. Im getting good at somedays convincing myself and others. This is one of the habits that are formed when on this journey. But its ok its the best one can do somedays. Somedays its real and somedays its fake. I am thankful for our health and what we have. I do realize it could always be worse and I coule be grieveing for my other children as well. Im trying to find the blessing in becoming who im supposed to be and what that means. How to grieve for what feels like so much more than just my son but for the me that I was. The me that was a good mother to these kids, the me that thought I knew it all. The me that had a zest for life and the dreams that I saw and was making things happen. The me that was a whole person. The me that loved like it was my last day and gave everyone and everything the benefit of the doubt. The me that had a sense of purpose. I have found our purposes change and they sometimes change daily. Its figureing out what today's purpose is and making the most of fulfilling that. Not so much finding your lifes whole purpose. You just never know when life can change and a new purpose has to form. Its making short term goals and achieving those because the long term stuff may never come to be. Its finding peace and contentment with who you are now in this moment. Because the person that wakes tomorrow is a different person...we shouldnt have to have life change so drastically to see that tomorrow were gonna be different people than yesterday anyhow. Just some of us have had life changing moments that had to change us and our perception and our change became noticed as if under a microscope and put front and center. I say for those on my journey or any journey that its ok to give permission for yourself to change...to fake it till you make it...to be angry and to cry and to let go of the things/people that no longer serve you or your new daily purpose.

No comments:

Post a Comment