A Great First Day

I know I've taken awhile to up this post about the kids first day of school. I just get busy and with the dream this morning I felt more impressed to write about that then this, but I keep getting asked how the kids did and how were adjusting to Geoff's departure. When alarms went off Monday AM I awoke with just a feeling of "well, its finally here"... had such reluctance of how the day would go as I've been dreading this day since I could move past the funeral. The kids got up without problems and dressed and came out of there rooms with the same excitement as last yrs first day. I could see a little hesitation in there faces and nervousness about how there day would play out. I made the traditional first day of school breakfast..scrambled eggs and pancakes. Now, I normally do a ton of first day pics but this year as you can imagine I wasn't in the photographing mood, but I knew I needed something to show for the day. Keep the same routine as every other year the same for the kids sake. I lined them up and snapped there pics and did a few of them together and then loaded them in the Jeep. We arrive and of course I take a deep breath not just for me but for the kids as well. This is only half the battle of the first day now we have to go in the building and see people..face the friends of Nathan that were also left behind. As thoughts play in mind of "who will ask?" and "what will I say" dance in my head I try not to make eye contact that much with people. We took Nick man to class first and took a pic at his desk and made sure he was comfortable before heading for the 5th grade hall. He seemed to be adjusting fine so i was able to exhale. He's been dreading this day..not for reason's you'd think with his brothers passing but because we decided to hold him back and his friends are in 1st grade and now he has to redo Kinder. He'd been saying in the days before how he wanted to "just be with his friends." We've assured him that he'll do better than everyone since he's done the work before and what a great helper he'll be. So...that seemed to ease that for now. We climbed the steps up to the 5th grade hall and a feeling of uneasiness found its way to  my stomach..more of a man this is just ODD! Natalie being so anxious darts in her classroom finds her desk and starts organizing it. I went over did the same thing I did to Nick took a pic at her desk and asked her the same if she was ok? She smiled and said she was fine so I exhaled and prepared to walk out and toward the car. Now this was the longest walk ever because you just don't know who your gonna see...lucky for me I made it out the door and to my car without any questions..A looks..but these are looks I know well. Its the look of "that's the women who lost her son." And the look of "I wanna say something I just don't know what." I've said before just talk to me please..staring at me like a freak show bothers me way worse then answering questions or talking about Nathan. When I got to the car and started it up it was a huge relief that we'd survived this first. Geoff spent the day doing laundry and packing up as the next morning he headed off to Ft. Hood till the 8th where he'll train and then get a 4 day pass to come home and then head out early on the 12th to Afghanistan from Ft. Hood. When the kids got home we asked how the day went both kids said it was fine that some people did ask about Nathan and they just said he passed away. Natalie said one child didn't believe her when she told him..I guess it is still a shock to some. The shock for us sadly is wearing off and reality is setting in. Geoff headed out early on Tues before kids got up so there was no drama made the day run smoothly for them. Were doing well school flowing nicely and adjustments are being made to Geoff's absence. I took the meal calenders down since schools back up and its now time to return to life, but again we are so grateful for all the service that was rendered for our family....All in All we've had a smooth first few days of school and pray that the year goes the same.

Dream a Little Dream

I've not been as lucky as the kids on dreaming of my sweet Nathan. Its almost caused me to be a little jealous, but everyone that knows me well knows that I suffer from insomnia so I require an ambien to fall asleep. I've been plagued with this for sometime now..never really had a problem accepting this condition more than now. I hear all the time that loved ones can sometimes come in dreams. Now doesn't that suck for me since I'm almost in a somewhat sedated state to sleep so who's gonna remember a dream? NOT ME! A little bitter about that..But this AM after I got the kids off to school I came back to bed to see if I could get back to sleep for a few more hours. I guess at some point I did indeed drift off as I was listening to my ipod..as i sit here typing this it was the most REAL thing I've ever experienced in a dream. Find myself sitting here feeling some sort of relief that I had a small glimpse of Nathan. The dream took me to a hospital..a hospital I haven't a clue where or what the name was. But I was in a crowded hall just looking around wondering why on earth I'm in a hospital hall. As I turned to my left I saw a boy of about 16 on a hospital bed sitting straight up..He was blond hair and the most familiar cow lick..It only took me a moment to realize this boy that was now an almost grown man sitting there looking back at me was Nathan..not a boy of 8 but a man of 16-17. Had teenage features but had manly stature. I was shocked and it took a moment to register this was Nathan I have to stop these people from dragging him by me. I need my son! I began running towards him with my hands out stretched so I could grab a hold of him once I got to him. I was was yelling Stop Nathan make them stop...Running practically over people the bed comes to a halt as I was running I remember taking a breath like realizing that ok its stopping....When I get there he's smiling at me the biggest 8 yr old grin you have ever see and tears just begin to fall...the come in puddles. My vision at that moment gets blurry because of the tears but i soon see he's reaching out to me to hold me....I fall in his arms and while he holds me I cry....oh i cry so hard..I don't say anything but "OH my sweet Nathan". I then realize my grown son is holding me as I cry. The moment was quick I look up into his eyes and the smile that was on his face is now grown to his eyes. I then awake in tears I mean bawling....I had a small moment with my son. I can't tell you how my heart feels right now. I'm in tears now as I replay this dream back as it comes to like a movie. I just rewind that embrace. He held me...Just like I have done a million times for him when he was hurt or sad. I've spent most of the morning in tears over this, but grateful I got to have this. I have felt like more and more that he's not around as much. I guess as our lives busy with Geoff leaving and the kids beginning school were not able to stop and reflect over our Nathan..So as I begin my day I end this with a prayer in my heart of thanks and gratitude... for letting my dream surround me with my sons spirit that I didn't recognize that I needed....

The Night Before School

The Night before the big first day is one that I knew would come..one of the "firsts" that is talked about in grief counseling. One that I had no idea how I'd feel...still don't know how I feel. I do know as I washed clothes today and saw none of my Sweet Nathan's clothes only to realize I have them all on a quilt I now sleep with had me feeling like please just be a sick joke.. Just someone come in and say Ha Ha here he is...I wouldn't even be mad just grateful. But that's not the case at all. No crazy reality TV show is gonna walk through my door and say sorry bad joke. I just have the sick realization by quilts of clothes that my baby isn't here for what is supposed to be his first day of 3rd grade. I'm supposed to be a mother to a 5th, 3rd, and K. Just WHAT? I try not to be angry that he's not here. I have no one to be angry at or anything to be angry for...oh wait....he isn't here for me to kiss, see, do for, and associate with so I guess that entitles me to a bit of anger. But really anger gets you no where and is a wasted emotion. Where life just passes and you become bitter over events you can't change. To keep my other kids from being angry I can't be angry. They deal with events how the adults deal. So, I have to process things a tad differently. Especially with what a believe with all my heart happens after this life and my everyday acceptance of whats happened. Analogy to how this feels is someone out of no where comes up and slaps you in the face. Now one would get angry and do a major beat down over this or I would normally, but now picture same senerio with no anger or beat downs..just honest baffled acceptance. Kinda feels like a step was skipped right...something done to you that hurts you requires maybe a tad WHAT THE HECK? and OH YOUR GETTING IT reaction...not so here. I can have the sadness that I was hurt but I feel I can't have the anger. So tonight has me feeling sad and heart broken, anger is there under the surface that I'm keeping in check. Thank goodness for the gym that I can work it out/sweat it out. I also have these 2 other amazing kids that I've centered my world around. I never want them to think my anger is at them or with GOD. That's not the case. So as I rise tomorrow and get my kids ready to go to school and get on with finding our new normal...I say with a broken heart...let the games begin...

Meet The Teachers...

Today we got to meet the kiddos teachers...looks like our family is blessed this school year with some awesome teachers. I look forward to working with them this year to insure the kids are successful this school year despite our summer. Nick has been blessed with Mrs. Geertz. Now I have heard about this wonderful lady since Natalie was in Kindergarden. We lucked out with Mrs. Carson 2x in a row. When Nick went last year he had the honor of getting Mrs. Saul which we so luved. She was excellent with him was just what he needed for him to get to where he is now. At the end of last year he had not progressed as far as we'd have liked so I was faced with the hard decision to flag him like crazy and send him to first grade praying he does well or hold him back and let him get the chance to grasp what he missed concept wise. After many hours of prayer and thought I decided to hold him back. Was not an easy decision only because I know how much my little man wanted to advance with his friends, but I knew it was the best decision...and after Nathan's passing I now know why the decision kept me here. He would have had an even harder year this year without his brothers luv and encouragement. Nathan was his biggest helper and would've helped him along. I didn't know at the time Nathan wouldn't be apart of us this school year obviously so I'm glad I made the decision I did. Makes so much sense now. The Lord's hand in that decision I see now. He met her this morning as we were invited to a special open house from 11-12pm. That way we could get a little more time with her and hash out our concerns with him going forward to this year. I think shes gonna be a great fit for him. Natalie's home room teacher is Mrs. Bruce..she was happy with that choice so we are too. She was given the chance to ask questions and of course she goes blank doesn't even get one thing asked. Well, she was just nervous cause she was put on the spot. Let her warm up and she'll come right out of that shell. But Mrs. Bruce seems like she'll be an awesome teacher for her. I try to stay pretty involved with the kids school work. Natalie also got picked to do Safety Patrol the first 9 weeks of school. I know she wanted to that last year, but according to Natalie everyone wants a chance at doing it so it gets filled quickly. She expressed to Coach Newberry last year that she would like to do it and was told she'd be put on the list for this year. What a surprise...this just made her day. I am super excited for her. Something for her to look forward to everyday for the first 9 weeks and teach her a little about responsibility and doing work. After meeting with both kids teachers I wanted to swing by Mrs. Stewarts class room which was Nathan's teacher last year. He always swing in his old teachers room to say hey on meet the teacher night. After all it was one of his favorite things of starting a new year. Getting school supplies, backpacks, and seeing who the teacher and kids in his class were. First to be dressed and ready to get to the school. Well, we just missed her as the teachers had a 12pm meeting so I thought I'd swing by later when I dropped the kids school supplies off later at the normal meet the teacher times that afternoon. Well, I did just that i dropped each kids supplies off and headed on down to her room. I tell you I had mixed feelings about doing this because I swear I could see Nathan's smiling face from last year when we did this and met her. How excited he was to go in and see the kids from the long summer he hadn't seen and visit with and take time to get to know who'd be teaching him. Grant it he was shy so getting him to introduce himself was always hard, but he did enjoy getting to see everyone. This time she was in there and I stepped in and she was chatting with one of her students so I waited my turn to let her know I was there. Upon seeing me she said "hello" and I said I couldn't not swing by and say hello as Nathan would be so doing. And I gave her a hug. She asked how Natalie and Nick were doing and said well. She said she was gonna dedicate either Star Wars or Diary of a Wimpy kid to Nathan and then donate it to the library. Ohhh he would so luv that. Especially Diary of a Wimpy Kid. I burried him with a copy of that book so that would be awesome. Upon hearing that I wanted to bust and cry just rite then. I think my heart even stopped as I saw a huge smile that Nathan would've had. I then had to hurry and say goodbye I knew in 2.5seconds I was gonna loose it. I was breathing so hard in and out every breath just mentally telling myself a few more feet and I could spring a leak with the tears if I needed to. By the time I reached the door to outside the side entry of the school where I'd parked It was hazy and hard to see the tears were beginning to fall as I couldn't stop them at that point. I reached the car shut the door and covered my eyes and sobbed....so hard i couldn't catch my breath. Tears just fell in buckets. Not understanding at all in that moment WHY this is happening to me....Just why? Please someone....anyone...please just tell me why I have to go on  with a gaping whole in my chest that I'll have to figure out how to temparily patch the wound that seems to big to patch for the rest of my life. Knowing that at any given moment that patch could dissolve, therefore leaving the wound exposed. Exposed for all the world to see and leaving me with having to again process the WHY's. Nothing will ever fill this void of my son so a patch is the best I'll ever be able to do to sort of mend it to a point where we can survive moving forward one day at a time. I have faith that as the days turn into years this wound that is my heart will get smaller over time to where maybe a stitch will keep it held together. This is my prayer for today...

Ronald McDonald House

Since we were invited to help with the boy scouts service project a week or so ago...I've been looking forward to this evening. Many of you know that while we were in Dallas this past June with Nathan those few days we were hosted by the Ronald McDonald house close to the hospital. I'd always heard about this special house, but never been to one much less stayed at one. So, I was humbled when we could actually stay there. For those who don't know what this house is its really an amazing place. Its a house close to most children's hospitals where families can stay while there sick child is in the hospital. Its an incredible place and is really a home away from home for these families. I looked at this as a chance to give back in a way to the organization that was so kind to us in our time of need. The scouts prepared a Taco Bar and fruit for the families that stayed there. I wasn't sure how id feel by going back to the Ronald McDonald house...I realize the one we stayed at is in Dallas, but the feeling I got was so similar to how I felt when staying there. I had flash backs of staying there. A moment of anxiousness of not knowing if your child was gonna be okay. I had the opportunity of helping the wolves rip the lettuce, while doing this I had a feeling that Nathan was there..what a great time of doing service he would've had. That boy loved helping those in need the smile he wore while in service was just a breath of fresh air. I felt him by me then sweet tears fell. I just took a deep breath and kept going. I know he was smiling as I was indeed in his place doing something he luved. I plan on doing something similar to this again on the anniversary of his passing every yr. That's just something else I can do to celebrate my son. I'm telling you i'm seriously gonna do him proud doing everything I can think of to keep him alive. He won't be forgotten. That's a mother's worst fear when one of there children has passed..that they will be forgotten. MINE will not..I don't have it all mapped out but I promise when he entered this world he was meant for greatness. I'll make sure he has his earthly greatness even if that means a lifetime of dedication to different causes. I'm doing it..he's assured his own spiritual rewards. I have met with the boy scout committee yesterday and got the ball rolling on the Nathan Dennis scholarship that will send a boy to day camp that wouldn't otherwise get to go. I've talked before how he loved day camp...so I'll make sure someone else gets that experience...oh Nathan's smiling on that one I'm just sure of it. After the top 5 are narrowed down I'll visit with each applicant and see how they are with the other scouts praying for a lil Nathan inspiration on who's the choice he'd make. As there going in his name. I'll then volenteer one day at camp every summer seeing the fun they'll have that day. I know I am as well as Geoff and the kids are so excited about this coming to pass this next summer. Something to look forward to every June instead of dreading the worst day in June. As I left the Ronald McDonald House I did indeed feel the way I felt as I left it that long hard day in June. In a complete haze that I was leaving my son behind. That feeling that day we left to head back home toward Austin was the WORST!!! We had to drive by the hospital that we just said our goodbye's knowing we were leaving our son. Never to see him in this earthly life again. I remember clear as day touching the glass of my window as tears flowed fighting back sobs trying to understand how I could be leaving a child in a lonely cold place without me to protect and guide him to his next resting place. Praying hard that I'd just have the strength to make it to the next day. Well I did muster the strength and here I sit writing what will one day be my book to show that this path can be walked. The road is long, hard and lonely at times, but it can be done one day at a time. 

A Childless Birthday

My first birthday without 3 children....I guess that thought really says it all or at least it should. I didn't know what to feel about it honestly. I didn't hear Nathan's voice saying Happy Birthday Mom, or the 3 kids giggling like they probably would because of the silly card there dad gets me every year and this year there would've been tons of giggling because it was one he would've luved. This card played music oh he luved cards that did that. He'd go up and down the card aisle and listen to each of them and smile at times dancing if the song was a good one. Getting him out of a card aisle was quite the feat. If the card had stickers or anything cool inside he's beg me to buy it. I'm sure all kids do this. A memory such as this one all mothers get, but it doesn't take away the importance for you. Everything still feels very surreal for me and its until someone makes a slide show of pictures, or presents awards that a boy can only get if he's passed, makes blankets with the clothes he once wore, memory books with pictures does your world stop spinning...this is when acknowledgement has to take place....THIS IS REAL! and he's NOT coming back. The day to day of life and talking about him isn't a problem I can do that all day long. But if somethings done for him especially and SCREAMS hey mom I'm gone....yep my heart stops and its a new thing. Don't get me wrong I've been humbled and honored that everyone thinks of him to do such kind acts of service for us...but each thing has been a different type of confirmation. I've been reading a great book that has crazily given me great comfort. Life Everlasting...its an LDS book but oh me the insights it has given me on concepts I knew but hadn't thought about in a long time has opened my eyes and comforted my heart. My son indeed had somewhere else he had to be right now to do something that only HE could do...now that's pretty amazing. How can I not be happy for him? And how can I be poor pitiful me when I knew exactly what I was getting into? I picked these challenges...I can let this kill me or be my greatest mentor to help others who have and will walk this same path I am on. I hope I can do that.. it will help heal my heart and celebrate my son. At the end of the month the meals will stop..I want each and everyone that did something for us during these past 2 months know we thank you for your time, thoughts, and prayers. I stopped the meals because although service is a wonderful thing..for us it would keep us from moving on. Were trying to establish a new normal with everything..doing the things we'd otherwise do. We're looking forward to doing this seeing where and what our future holds. Its one child less, yes, life is still yet to be lived, memories and experiences still left to be had. That is what this life is all about. I can tell you joy can be found in the depths of great sadness if your heart is willing to see it...and that's what our family continues to focus on...the JOY of the bigger picture of what is and whats to come.

A Child of God Pt 1

My heart is VERY full tonight as I sit behind the computer and try and be very real about it all. Tears are falling in large sums and it seems as if I should have a huge puddle at my feet but I wipe them away knowing there not the last of what I'll shed in this long journey. Nathan's scout presentation was tonight and our family attended. It was the most beautiful experiance..our blankets Amy made were used as decoration and Nathan's school picture that we sat at the funeral and visitation was at the back of the room along with a white mat I wanted all the scouts in attendance to sign so that I could fill it a few pictures I received from friends of Nathan's week at scout camp. Which will be a great final addition to the other mats I sat out for guests at the visitation and funeral to write small messages and leave there signature. I did indeed have a guest sign in book but you know honestly those are usually stored away and not kept out. Who wants a book that was given to them by the funeral home they used to help them bury there son sitting out to view from time to time? Ummmm...yea not me. I opt out of that one. So I had the idea to have a mat sitting out for guests to sign that I could hang on the wall to view. Its a tradition that seems common at LDS wedding receptions but I thought this would be a way to celebrate Nathan just as there meant to celebrate the happy couple. They boys preformed songs they learned at camp that apparently Nathan enjoyed. So it was fun to hear his "camp songs" he learned that week. I had a vision of him learning them and being completely silly...He loved to laugh and what a laugh he had. After songs a family friend had prepared a slide show of pictures that I've collected of Nathan that will go in his scrapbook..the pictures were set to the most beautiful rendition of "I am a Child of God" performed my insideout I have ever heard. That was one of his favorite primary songs. I swear this song has taken such a deep meaning for me the past few months. As a child we learn this song and we sang it in primary often. Its one of the most persistent songs you hear primary children sing. The words are just words then and even after your an adult it touches you when you sing it and hear the children sing it, but after you loose a child and sing it aww the meaning it takes on is COMPLETELY different. You can't see my tears..but know they are flowing and my heart feels like its been just ripped out of my chest. When I was a child and learned this song I never expected that one day I'd grow up and have a child pass away to where the feelings you get when singing or hearing this song are bitter sweet. To where its joy and pain. To where its a reminder that my son is gone..having to find peace that I didn't fail him and taught him what he needed to learn in his earthly home. During the slide show Natalie sobbed through it so of course my tears flowed. Your heart breaks for your children when you know they are in pain and hurting a hurt that will be there the rest of there earthly life. The slide show was beautifully done and added a tender spirit to the night. I felt my Nathan with me as I heard that rendition of his favorite song so I'm grateful it was chosen as the music. Our family got awarded the Spirit of the Eagle award which is a an award that's not given often which is a good thing as its awarded to the families whose son pass away while in the cub/boy scouting program that were on there way to one day receiving there Eagle Scout Award. Were honored that Nathan was awarded this. Since he loved cub scouts and I'm sure obtaining his Eagle Scout would have been in his future. We also got told that Nathan will have a brick with his name on it placed on the ground or wall at the new Boy Scout office that we can go see anytime we want. So that's pretty amazing. A part of the speech the gentlemen who presented our family with these awards left me with intresting feelings...the part where he said when your son passes your dreams fade and die. I don't feel that way at all. Yes our sons earthly dreams died...but now our dreams aren't the earthly kind they have transcended into what will now be our eternal dreams. Which are that we WILL have our families forever. So, I've had to change my thinking on the issue of now my hopes and dreams for Nathan are dead.Nathan's wolf den leader then presented me back a project she undertook with with Nathan's scout shirt and his camp clothes and things he had/wore during that week. She put it all in a shadow box which is so beautiful. When speeches and awards were done the boys did one of Nathan's favorite things he did at camp..it was shooting the BB guns..yep that had to be revised to something they could do so they did the cucumber regada that he enjoyed at camp. Where they scoop out the cucumber and use the other shell as boats and then race them. Nick got to participate in this and boy did he have fun with his "Sir Jack Sparrow" boat. He says he won 3rd place but I have no proof of that.LOL! I was asked if doing another balloon release was a good idea since I had done one at Nicks birthday party since I had read it was in intresting way for people to say "Good bye" to there loved one...I of course said not at all so another amazing balloon release was done. The balloons released this time were silver and some where white with silver stars on it. I think that's fitting since Nathan sits amongst the stars now. I ended with Thank you's for everyone's hard work..it was a beautiful celebration that was put together. I thank everyone who had anything to do with planning, participating, set up, cleanup it was all so nicely done our family appreciates everything...Nathan was there in spirit just smiling with approval...I'm posting the song I was discussing above and the pictures with it are beautiful...

First Mini-Vacation

I've been telling the kids since March or so that we'd take small trips over the summer to pass time before school starts. It seems our first part of summer has been dealing with not having Nathan so the other kids have not had much of a summer... it was nice that Geoff's brothers wife ,Gennie and 2 kiddos, Colton and Matti could come visit us the past 2 days. They invited us along to Sea World on Monday and Fiesta Tx on Tuesday. Stayed over night in a hotel on Mon so that we could just get up and do the other theme park. Yes...exhausting it surely was, but the kids had so much fun.  I wasn't sure exactly how I'd feel about doing a small vacation type trip this close to loosing Nathan. It did in fact feel odd at times for me at least anyway that I only had 2 instead of 3. We're so used to being oddly numbered to have an even number in our family was odd. Just riding rides. Geoff had a riding buddy and I had one. Just so odd and not quite right. Nathan enjoyed Sea World as our family goes every summer since with the Salute To The Hero's promotion that Anheiseur Bush theme parks offer allows us to go free so its something fun to do that has been tradition since we've been here. Of course I pick the hottest time of year to go, but the kids expect it every summer. Only I imagine that with Nathan's foot in pain like it was the last part of his life I'm not so sure we'd have gotten to do any of the stuff we've done this last part of summer. I'd like to think we'd have figured it all out and his foot would've been fine, but you know I'm not so sure. I had a few moments on different rides we did that I looked over expecting to see I dunno Nathan's face and my mind imagined a huge smile. As I sit here and type this I get teary thinking about that beautiful smile that when he smiled he did so with his eyes too. Where you knew it was genuine and you knew without a doubt he was having a good time. And following a smile you usually got a giggle/chuckle. Figuring out how a person lives without that is what is the hardest. Nick said to me a few times that Nathan sure would luv this...Yep...that he would. I totally miss hearing the kids argue about whos sitting with/by whom. I imagine riding rides would've gone the exact way...and having to tell them everyone will get a chance to ride with each other. But spending time with there cousins was so much fun. There also military with a dad who's currently deployed so I know Natalie and Colton from what Gennie has said had a conversation about that. I'm just glad they had a chance to talk and be around other kids in that exact situation before there Dad leaves. Its just an added bonus that there family and the kids felt completely comfortable to talk about it with one another. Definatly gonna be letting the skype or facetime as were in the day of Apple software..lol.. if they can over the next few months and I'm working harder at finding some other military kids around here as well. Geoff is off the next 2 weeks as we prepare for his departure on the 28th. The kids get to spend sometime with dad and he gets to take them to there first day of school on the 27th which is nice. Tomorrow night is Nathan's scouting presentation so I'll be blogging about that tomorrow night I'll also post pics of the kids on the past few days...

Back Pack Surprise..

I had to intention in blogging tonight since I finished up the latest post today while I was poolside, but I guess I had some feelings of today I needed to get out. Today began as any other day with arrands and getting stuff done. But of course the mail would deliver the kids backpacks my mom gets them every summer before school starts. This has been tradition since Natalie was in Kindergarden. She gets them from pottery barn and has there names put on the front and its a big to do. The kids look forward to this package every August. Only this August there was only 2 backpacks instead of 3. My mother told me last week she ordered there backpacks to be looking for them to coming in the mail. I guess I didn't realize how I'd feel to opening a box with the realization that my middle child won't be with us this year. Yet a first I didn't consider as a first I'd have to wither. You expect first day of the new school year, thanksgiving, birthdays and christmas, but not the backpack package that comes religiously every summer. Nathan loved getting his backpack every summer. I mean, he would be opening the box before getting it into the house the excitement was so great. To see what his MiMi had picked for him to carry that school year. So tears fell as I didn't know how i'd feel about just getting the 2. Nick's backpack is black with snakes on it which he LUVS snakes and I totally imagine Nathan would have been envious that Nick got that one. Natalie's is brown with pink polka dots which she adores and of course my mom always goes one step farther and gets the matching lunch box. Nick saw his and stated "WOW...it looks like a treasure chest." I had to grin at that because he luved it and now wants the matching thermos that he said.."hey MiMi left out the thermos.." so I guess I'm purchasing that since the little noticed its not included..LOL. I'm not sure if the morning of the first day of school will feel this incomplete, but I can tell you this has made that hole that's in your heart when you loose a child that much bigger. I mean in some ways a small anger starts to develop...I say to myself all the time.."REALLY?" Am I really that bad of a person I had to have the most PRECIOUS thing in my LIFE SNATCHED from me to prove a point of some sort? I mean, really I would've gotten the point with just some small scare that I needed to fix or change something, but to subject me to this is just well cruel to say the least. I know in reality this isn't the case, but it doesn't keep the feelings from being there that you have to sort and work through. I guess this is all a process. After the backpacks, every time I walked by a picture of Nathan in the house I got teary eyed. I mean, off and on I would literally stop breathing and sob. Mid sob I'd have to remind myself I'm not breathing and I need to take a breath. Then I got a text asking if Geoff and I are available for a special cub scout presentation for Nathan next Wed. And of course memories from his scout camp week came to mind and tears fell again. I'm thinking at this point I'm just meant to have a mess of a day, but the honor of having your son remembered by people and something he loved is really amazing. He'd be so flattered that this is happening, but on the other hand he was incredibly shy so being talked about for a whole pack meeting or really any amount of time would embarrass him to death. Next week will hold one beautiful night I can't wait to see....

Memorial to Remember

What can a mother say about a day like today? I don't think anything can properly describe what a day like today does to someone especially a mother. I in some ways I was looking forward to ordering Nathan's headstone memorial..crazy huh? A part of me had thought once it was done it would be like a form of closure for me. Grant it the process hasn't come full circle yet so I can't say for sure, but I can say that right now this minute I have NONE! No closure. I have what feels like a morbid sense of reality it seems like today. I looked at books that had pictures of headstones most of the morning and said "yea that 's cute or nice or he'd hate that" just feels kinda sick. I dunno...I did pick what I think is going to one Memorial to Remember and I can't wait to get the concept back and the price quote to see if in fact my wild idea is under or right at budget. One can only pray..I do not want to go back to the drawing board with this. I just want to see it come to pass. Somedays I wonder why I even care how big/small or design this memorial becomes because honestly I'm not sure how much I am going out to the place my son rests, but I feel as if I still need to make this place beautiful and something our family shows some sort of pride for considering the fact the person we luved more than life itself is resting there until the day of his resurrection. I had been contemplating this concept since I was told I had to say goodbye. Knowing this was the only real way I could show a small part of who he was and that he was loved. Sorta like a small legacy of him. I wasnt sure if I wanted a more "religious" feel to it considering we are LDS and thats a big part of who we are or go with what his intrests were that made up the other parts of who he was. As I thought of the past 8 yrs of his life and what he may have wanted I went with the latter...with a touch of religion as it needs to also display our faith a small bit. I incorporated the CTR shield he had earned as all children in our church do. Its a ring they wear that simply stands for Choose The Right. Its importance for us is equilivant to the WWJD bracelets others wear. But at 8 they recieve this as a ring so they have a constant visual reminder to make good choices since there approaching there baptism time. Nathans excitment to recieve this small but important token was one he took seriously. He wanted to make good choices which as a mother brings me great joy. So the shield is on the back of his stone along with an etching of the cub scout patch. I've talked before about how much he loved scouts. And his love for his leaders and friends he was getting to know better through this amazing program. It seemed fitting to put that emblem along side the shield since he just turned 8 and was baptized and he'd just become of age to begin scouts and his troop was one lead by leaders in our church. On the front side I made this his intrest side where his picture we displayed at the funeral will be lazer etched in dark grey which will be anamazing finished product. I saw an example of a 5x7 lazer etched picture with a boy who couldnt b older than 5/6 in his pj's. Upon seeing this my heart stopped and i had to remind myself to breathe this was my sign in some way I had to do this with Nathans photo no matter the costs. Im extremely excited to see how this turns out. The base is granite blk and will be sculpted to look like a long rectangle lego and the upright rectangle headstone will rest on top and will display his beatiful picture and birth and death dates and just underneath I hope to put "Families are Forever" since we fully expect to be together beyond this life. To the right and left side will be seperate etching of the lego star wars figures yoda and darth vader...he luved playin lego star wars on our wii and I also burried him in lego star wars Pj's his fav. The figures will have there light sabers drawn as if in battle stance and the sabers about to make contact. I hope to illuminate the sabers the apporiate colors green and red with solor lighting. It'll be an awesome visual effect and be a small night light. You could also take a good vs evil look at the design concept as well, but to be honest that idea wasn't the reason for this. Just turned out that way....intresting, huh? I think Nathan would look at that and say "wow mom thats awesome..." I think i did well with this idea and will have done him proud. The really sweet lady at the cemetary also offered, after i mentioned I have one child who still hasnt and cant go to the cementary yet, to make a tivot sized memory rock the kids could each do for there brother to keep out there. As a symbol of something they contributed. Could be a drawing a little note..she'll sand blast it and it will be an exact replica of what they drew or wrote. I was so amazed by her offer of generousity to do such a service to help in a small way heal our other children. To make it where something they did for there brother to leave out there and see each time they visit if they so choose. I'm also gonna cover his site with white rock so theres no dirt showing and put a cement bench out the foot of grave so i can sit somewhere instead of on a blanket i take out there. Geoff and I also purchased the spots on either side of Nathan so we can be laid to rest by our son when our life ends. This has been a day i'll always remember and with great satisfaction can say it will be a memorial headstone tribute to remember for a boy that has touched everyone he knew...

Precious Gifts

With deployment edging close my list of "to do's" is a long one. For a military wife/spouse this is a list of a different kind. Making sure your ID's up to date and (power of attorney) in place and copies of Geoff's orders so I can handle anything that crosses my path while our spouse is away. Even things like putting into place lawn care help and at times nanny's to help give relief when the walls seem to be closing in. I've done this before in '08 so I know the ropes of whats about to happen and so putting these things into action are but now routine since I learned the hard way last time. Those days are a NEVER again repeat performance my friends. My list now also involves getting things for my kids in order like support groups and additional grief counseling to help aid in Nathan's passing and with there father getting ready to leave. There doing exceptionally well considering, but I'll never get comfortable with that assumption as with all things it could change instantly. I've also made it my mission to get a digital photo frame together with all the pics we now have of Nathan so Geoff can take it with him. I did a similar thing with a key chain the last deployment, but he wants a frame this time. I've been saving all the pics on my flash drive I have dedicated just for Nathan's pictures and things I need saved so I can transfer these into the gadget. This has become so time consuming which is why I kept putting this project into action. I'm the worlds worst procrastinator. With today's project under way and frame purchased I sat at the computer saving a few of the pictures given to me on disc to my flash drive. Can I say I found a small treasure while uploading...one of the pic files was a small video clip of Nathan doing an activity during field day this past school year. He doesn't say a word on the clip but its him being active and running around. I had forgotten just how he used to run...having to over compensate for his flat feet. After the discovery I sat in awe...at just what i'd stumbled across. Tears just fell as i rewound the clip over and over again. Even as I think back to that moment right now tears are welling up. I need to send a special shout out to David's mother for doing this and for giving me this disc. I now consider it one of my most prized items amongst all these wonderful photo's, of course. I didn't realize just how much a small video clip of Nathan would affect me or that I'd even need it. What with all these pictures I didn't think much at all. I knew I didn't have anything video wise of him except the video Geoff shot of him when he was born and his sonogram I believe..i did however send a shout out on facebook to anyone that may have ANY video to please get me a copy. So, I send out another plea in case any of the readers of this blog don't follow me on facebook or the Praying For Nathan page. With the video moments behind me it dawned on me that I'd not seen the bubble wrap photo mailer I had filled pretty full with all the photo's I've saved thus far in awhile. I had it sitting on my kitchen table so I could easily access it. When this realization hit me I had a panic attack. I went on a spree of moving, tossing, everything around to locate it. When I tell you I lost it...I quite literally lost it. A flashback of the moment I realized at the hospital after being told Nathan was going to pass and I had NO PICTURES... and then the moment of "OH MY GOODNESS..." did i ACCIDENTLY throw it away? I've been notorious to do this on occassion on my CRAZY cleaning frenzies I've gotten into. I calmed that thought when I knew I'D NEVER DO THAT! So again the panic rose inside and I immediately called Geoff's cell and asked if he'd seen it. I was so panicked that he couldn't even understand me and when he asked me to repeat what the deal was I just hung up and continued to toss my kitchen apart to locate it. He got home and I explained with a tear soaked face what was going on. He got to looking for it too...TEARS.. my friends..TEARS just kept falling so much so I couldn't see what was in front of me anymore. My thoughts just consumed me replaying every moment and the doubt that maybe I had thrown all these precious gifts of my baby away. I called Monica, my dear friend and wasn't sure how to explain because I was in midst of another attack and I could barely speak. After getting it out she said she'd make calls to the sisters who were last in my home to help tidy up and get back to me. Moments later she called back saying they were in in the black scrapbook, but where was the DANG BOOK? This was even more frustrating because I couldn't find that book either. I had just seen it not days before. Not minutes later Geoff indeed located the scrapbook under some clothes of mine on my dresser in my room. What a sense of relief washed over me after realizing I hadn't COMPLETELY lost my mind and tossed these items out. I'm not sure how the book got back to my room if I moved it without realizing it or if while cleaning the sister put it in my room, BUT the point is I found it and I'm not CRAZY...LOL! Thanks Creshel, too for coming over to help me locate them..as she was the last person to help me clean. Thanks I appreciate it...I will be putting my items under lock in key and in a super safe place so this NEVER happens again. I was so emotionally drained after that I just had to get out of this house. This house is becoming quiet hard to occupy these days. A lot of memories are here. Good ones and the awful. My son laid in this house dying and I didn't even have the slightest clue. As soon as I feel the kids can leave here and be okay cause honestly they aren't ready I don't think for such a drastic change I'm out! I know he's not coming back that he's gone, but it still feels like I'm waiting for him to come in from outside playing....and of course he isn't. Just to many emotions to have to process on a daily basis for me. After a few hours of trying to post these clips blogger wont let me upload...argh! Facebook wont let me load there either. I'll figure out a way to share them and post soon...until then....