The Night Before School

The Night before the big first day is one that I knew would come..one of the "firsts" that is talked about in grief counseling. One that I had no idea how I'd feel...still don't know how I feel. I do know as I washed clothes today and saw none of my Sweet Nathan's clothes only to realize I have them all on a quilt I now sleep with had me feeling like please just be a sick joke.. Just someone come in and say Ha Ha here he is...I wouldn't even be mad just grateful. But that's not the case at all. No crazy reality TV show is gonna walk through my door and say sorry bad joke. I just have the sick realization by quilts of clothes that my baby isn't here for what is supposed to be his first day of 3rd grade. I'm supposed to be a mother to a 5th, 3rd, and K. Just WHAT? I try not to be angry that he's not here. I have no one to be angry at or anything to be angry for...oh wait....he isn't here for me to kiss, see, do for, and associate with so I guess that entitles me to a bit of anger. But really anger gets you no where and is a wasted emotion. Where life just passes and you become bitter over events you can't change. To keep my other kids from being angry I can't be angry. They deal with events how the adults deal. So, I have to process things a tad differently. Especially with what a believe with all my heart happens after this life and my everyday acceptance of whats happened. Analogy to how this feels is someone out of no where comes up and slaps you in the face. Now one would get angry and do a major beat down over this or I would normally, but now picture same senerio with no anger or beat downs..just honest baffled acceptance. Kinda feels like a step was skipped right...something done to you that hurts you requires maybe a tad WHAT THE HECK? and OH YOUR GETTING IT reaction...not so here. I can have the sadness that I was hurt but I feel I can't have the anger. So tonight has me feeling sad and heart broken, anger is there under the surface that I'm keeping in check. Thank goodness for the gym that I can work it out/sweat it out. I also have these 2 other amazing kids that I've centered my world around. I never want them to think my anger is at them or with GOD. That's not the case. So as I rise tomorrow and get my kids ready to go to school and get on with finding our new normal...I say with a broken heart...let the games begin...