A Childless Birthday

My first birthday without 3 children....I guess that thought really says it all or at least it should. I didn't know what to feel about it honestly. I didn't hear Nathan's voice saying Happy Birthday Mom, or the 3 kids giggling like they probably would because of the silly card there dad gets me every year and this year there would've been tons of giggling because it was one he would've luved. This card played music oh he luved cards that did that. He'd go up and down the card aisle and listen to each of them and smile at times dancing if the song was a good one. Getting him out of a card aisle was quite the feat. If the card had stickers or anything cool inside he's beg me to buy it. I'm sure all kids do this. A memory such as this one all mothers get, but it doesn't take away the importance for you. Everything still feels very surreal for me and its until someone makes a slide show of pictures, or presents awards that a boy can only get if he's passed, makes blankets with the clothes he once wore, memory books with pictures does your world stop spinning...this is when acknowledgement has to take place....THIS IS REAL! and he's NOT coming back. The day to day of life and talking about him isn't a problem I can do that all day long. But if somethings done for him especially and SCREAMS hey mom I'm gone....yep my heart stops and its a new thing. Don't get me wrong I've been humbled and honored that everyone thinks of him to do such kind acts of service for us...but each thing has been a different type of confirmation. I've been reading a great book that has crazily given me great comfort. Life Everlasting...its an LDS book but oh me the insights it has given me on concepts I knew but hadn't thought about in a long time has opened my eyes and comforted my heart. My son indeed had somewhere else he had to be right now to do something that only HE could do...now that's pretty amazing. How can I not be happy for him? And how can I be poor pitiful me when I knew exactly what I was getting into? I picked these challenges...I can let this kill me or be my greatest mentor to help others who have and will walk this same path I am on. I hope I can do that.. it will help heal my heart and celebrate my son. At the end of the month the meals will stop..I want each and everyone that did something for us during these past 2 months know we thank you for your time, thoughts, and prayers. I stopped the meals because although service is a wonderful thing..for us it would keep us from moving on. Were trying to establish a new normal with everything..doing the things we'd otherwise do. We're looking forward to doing this seeing where and what our future holds. Its one child less, yes, life is still yet to be lived, memories and experiences still left to be had. That is what this life is all about. I can tell you joy can be found in the depths of great sadness if your heart is willing to see it...and that's what our family continues to focus on...the JOY of the bigger picture of what is and whats to come.