Back Pack Surprise..

I had to intention in blogging tonight since I finished up the latest post today while I was poolside, but I guess I had some feelings of today I needed to get out. Today began as any other day with arrands and getting stuff done. But of course the mail would deliver the kids backpacks my mom gets them every summer before school starts. This has been tradition since Natalie was in Kindergarden. She gets them from pottery barn and has there names put on the front and its a big to do. The kids look forward to this package every August. Only this August there was only 2 backpacks instead of 3. My mother told me last week she ordered there backpacks to be looking for them to coming in the mail. I guess I didn't realize how I'd feel to opening a box with the realization that my middle child won't be with us this year. Yet a first I didn't consider as a first I'd have to wither. You expect first day of the new school year, thanksgiving, birthdays and christmas, but not the backpack package that comes religiously every summer. Nathan loved getting his backpack every summer. I mean, he would be opening the box before getting it into the house the excitement was so great. To see what his MiMi had picked for him to carry that school year. So tears fell as I didn't know how i'd feel about just getting the 2. Nick's backpack is black with snakes on it which he LUVS snakes and I totally imagine Nathan would have been envious that Nick got that one. Natalie's is brown with pink polka dots which she adores and of course my mom always goes one step farther and gets the matching lunch box. Nick saw his and stated "WOW...it looks like a treasure chest." I had to grin at that because he luved it and now wants the matching thermos that he said.."hey MiMi left out the thermos.." so I guess I'm purchasing that since the little noticed its not included..LOL. I'm not sure if the morning of the first day of school will feel this incomplete, but I can tell you this has made that hole that's in your heart when you loose a child that much bigger. I mean in some ways a small anger starts to develop...I say to myself all the time.."REALLY?" Am I really that bad of a person I had to have the most PRECIOUS thing in my LIFE SNATCHED from me to prove a point of some sort? I mean, really I would've gotten the point with just some small scare that I needed to fix or change something, but to subject me to this is just well cruel to say the least. I know in reality this isn't the case, but it doesn't keep the feelings from being there that you have to sort and work through. I guess this is all a process. After the backpacks, every time I walked by a picture of Nathan in the house I got teary eyed. I mean, off and on I would literally stop breathing and sob. Mid sob I'd have to remind myself I'm not breathing and I need to take a breath. Then I got a text asking if Geoff and I are available for a special cub scout presentation for Nathan next Wed. And of course memories from his scout camp week came to mind and tears fell again. I'm thinking at this point I'm just meant to have a mess of a day, but the honor of having your son remembered by people and something he loved is really amazing. He'd be so flattered that this is happening, but on the other hand he was incredibly shy so being talked about for a whole pack meeting or really any amount of time would embarrass him to death. Next week will hold one beautiful night I can't wait to see....