Precious Gifts

With deployment edging close my list of "to do's" is a long one. For a military wife/spouse this is a list of a different kind. Making sure your ID's up to date and (power of attorney) in place and copies of Geoff's orders so I can handle anything that crosses my path while our spouse is away. Even things like putting into place lawn care help and at times nanny's to help give relief when the walls seem to be closing in. I've done this before in '08 so I know the ropes of whats about to happen and so putting these things into action are but now routine since I learned the hard way last time. Those days are a NEVER again repeat performance my friends. My list now also involves getting things for my kids in order like support groups and additional grief counseling to help aid in Nathan's passing and with there father getting ready to leave. There doing exceptionally well considering, but I'll never get comfortable with that assumption as with all things it could change instantly. I've also made it my mission to get a digital photo frame together with all the pics we now have of Nathan so Geoff can take it with him. I did a similar thing with a key chain the last deployment, but he wants a frame this time. I've been saving all the pics on my flash drive I have dedicated just for Nathan's pictures and things I need saved so I can transfer these into the gadget. This has become so time consuming which is why I kept putting this project into action. I'm the worlds worst procrastinator. With today's project under way and frame purchased I sat at the computer saving a few of the pictures given to me on disc to my flash drive. Can I say I found a small treasure while uploading...one of the pic files was a small video clip of Nathan doing an activity during field day this past school year. He doesn't say a word on the clip but its him being active and running around. I had forgotten just how he used to run...having to over compensate for his flat feet. After the discovery I sat in awe...at just what i'd stumbled across. Tears just fell as i rewound the clip over and over again. Even as I think back to that moment right now tears are welling up. I need to send a special shout out to David's mother for doing this and for giving me this disc. I now consider it one of my most prized items amongst all these wonderful photo's, of course. I didn't realize just how much a small video clip of Nathan would affect me or that I'd even need it. What with all these pictures I didn't think much at all. I knew I didn't have anything video wise of him except the video Geoff shot of him when he was born and his sonogram I believe..i did however send a shout out on facebook to anyone that may have ANY video to please get me a copy. So, I send out another plea in case any of the readers of this blog don't follow me on facebook or the Praying For Nathan page. With the video moments behind me it dawned on me that I'd not seen the bubble wrap photo mailer I had filled pretty full with all the photo's I've saved thus far in awhile. I had it sitting on my kitchen table so I could easily access it. When this realization hit me I had a panic attack. I went on a spree of moving, tossing, everything around to locate it. When I tell you I lost it...I quite literally lost it. A flashback of the moment I realized at the hospital after being told Nathan was going to pass and I had NO PICTURES... and then the moment of "OH MY GOODNESS..." did i ACCIDENTLY throw it away? I've been notorious to do this on occassion on my CRAZY cleaning frenzies I've gotten into. I calmed that thought when I knew I'D NEVER DO THAT! So again the panic rose inside and I immediately called Geoff's cell and asked if he'd seen it. I was so panicked that he couldn't even understand me and when he asked me to repeat what the deal was I just hung up and continued to toss my kitchen apart to locate it. He got home and I explained with a tear soaked face what was going on. He got to looking for it too...TEARS.. my friends..TEARS just kept falling so much so I couldn't see what was in front of me anymore. My thoughts just consumed me replaying every moment and the doubt that maybe I had thrown all these precious gifts of my baby away. I called Monica, my dear friend and wasn't sure how to explain because I was in midst of another attack and I could barely speak. After getting it out she said she'd make calls to the sisters who were last in my home to help tidy up and get back to me. Moments later she called back saying they were in in the black scrapbook, but where was the DANG BOOK? This was even more frustrating because I couldn't find that book either. I had just seen it not days before. Not minutes later Geoff indeed located the scrapbook under some clothes of mine on my dresser in my room. What a sense of relief washed over me after realizing I hadn't COMPLETELY lost my mind and tossed these items out. I'm not sure how the book got back to my room if I moved it without realizing it or if while cleaning the sister put it in my room, BUT the point is I found it and I'm not CRAZY...LOL! Thanks Creshel, too for coming over to help me locate them..as she was the last person to help me clean. Thanks I appreciate it...I will be putting my items under lock in key and in a super safe place so this NEVER happens again. I was so emotionally drained after that I just had to get out of this house. This house is becoming quiet hard to occupy these days. A lot of memories are here. Good ones and the awful. My son laid in this house dying and I didn't even have the slightest clue. As soon as I feel the kids can leave here and be okay cause honestly they aren't ready I don't think for such a drastic change I'm out! I know he's not coming back that he's gone, but it still feels like I'm waiting for him to come in from outside playing....and of course he isn't. Just to many emotions to have to process on a daily basis for me. After a few hours of trying to post these clips blogger wont let me upload...argh! Facebook wont let me load there either. I'll figure out a way to share them and post soon...until then....