My heart is VERY full tonight as I sit behind the computer and try and be very real about it all. Tears are falling in large sums and it seems as if I should have a huge puddle at my feet but I wipe them away knowing there not the last of what I'll shed in this long journey. Nathan's scout presentation was tonight and our family attended. It was the most beautiful experiance..our blankets Amy made were used as decoration and Nathan's school picture that we sat at the funeral and visitation was at the back of the room along with a white mat I wanted all the scouts in attendance to sign so that I could fill it a few pictures I received from friends of Nathan's week at scout camp. Which will be a great final addition to the other mats I sat out for guests at the visitation and funeral to write small messages and leave there signature. I did indeed have a guest sign in book but you know honestly those are usually stored away and not kept out. Who wants a book that was given to them by the funeral home they used to help them bury there son sitting out to view from time to time? Ummmm...yea not me. I opt out of that one. So I had the idea to have a mat sitting out for guests to sign that I could hang on the wall to view. Its a tradition that seems common at LDS wedding receptions but I thought this would be a way to celebrate Nathan just as there meant to celebrate the happy couple. They boys preformed songs they learned at camp that apparently Nathan enjoyed. So it was fun to hear his "camp songs" he learned that week. I had a vision of him learning them and being completely silly...He loved to laugh and what a laugh he had. After songs a family friend had prepared a slide show of pictures that I've collected of Nathan that will go in his scrapbook..the pictures were set to the most beautiful rendition of "I am a Child of God" performed my insideout I have ever heard. That was one of his favorite primary songs. I swear this song has taken such a deep meaning for me the past few months. As a child we learn this song and we sang it in primary often. Its one of the most persistent songs you hear primary children sing. The words are just words then and even after your an adult it touches you when you sing it and hear the children sing it, but after you loose a child and sing it aww the meaning it takes on is COMPLETELY different. You can't see my tears..but know they are flowing and my heart feels like its been just ripped out of my chest. When I was a child and learned this song I never expected that one day I'd grow up and have a child pass away to where the feelings you get when singing or hearing this song are bitter sweet. To where its joy and pain. To where its a reminder that my son is gone..having to find peace that I didn't fail him and taught him what he needed to learn in his earthly home. During the slide show Natalie sobbed through it so of course my tears flowed. Your heart breaks for your children when you know they are in pain and hurting a hurt that will be there the rest of there earthly life. The slide show was beautifully done and added a tender spirit to the night. I felt my Nathan with me as I heard that rendition of his favorite song so I'm grateful it was chosen as the music. Our family got awarded the Spirit of the Eagle award which is a an award that's not given often which is a good thing as its awarded to the families whose son pass away while in the cub/boy scouting program that were on there way to one day receiving there Eagle Scout Award. Were honored that Nathan was awarded this. Since he loved cub scouts and I'm sure obtaining his Eagle Scout would have been in his future. We also got told that Nathan will have a brick with his name on it placed on the ground or wall at the new Boy Scout office that we can go see anytime we want. So that's pretty amazing. A part of the speech the gentlemen who presented our family with these awards left me with intresting feelings...the part where he said when your son passes your dreams fade and die. I don't feel that way at all. Yes our sons earthly dreams died...but now our dreams aren't the earthly kind they have transcended into what will now be our eternal dreams. Which are that we WILL have our families forever. So, I've had to change my thinking on the issue of now my hopes and dreams for Nathan are dead.Nathan's wolf den leader then presented me back a project she undertook with with Nathan's scout shirt and his camp clothes and things he had/wore during that week. She put it all in a shadow box which is so beautiful. When speeches and awards were done the boys did one of Nathan's favorite things he did at camp..it was shooting the BB guns..yep that had to be revised to something they could do so they did the cucumber regada that he enjoyed at camp. Where they scoop out the cucumber and use the other shell as boats and then race them. Nick got to participate in this and boy did he have fun with his "Sir Jack Sparrow" boat. He says he won 3rd place but I have no proof of that.LOL! I was asked if doing another balloon release was a good idea since I had done one at Nicks birthday party since I had read it was in intresting way for people to say "Good bye" to there loved one...I of course said not at all so another amazing balloon release was done. The balloons released this time were silver and some where white with silver stars on it. I think that's fitting since Nathan sits amongst the stars now. I ended with Thank you's for everyone's hard work..it was a beautiful celebration that was put together. I thank everyone who had anything to do with planning, participating, set up, cleanup it was all so nicely done our family appreciates everything...Nathan was there in spirit just smiling with approval...I'm posting the song I was discussing above and the pictures with it are beautiful...
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