Another kind of Realization

Today has been one of those days I don't even know where to begin because my emotions are raw and still right at the surface to where i could just loose it all over again, but I write this because one day I'll want to know and recall these moments. They are the moments that shape this grieving process. I want to start by saying this post will be raw and I'm going to describe it all very much as it happend. I have been blessed so far that I have not lost it or cried in public or just out and about. I see nothing wrong with that in fact I'm encourging such with the kids if it happens, I've just been blessed I haven't yet, but I'm sure like everything else it will happen. I'm not ready for just regular passer bys who don't know me to give me looks and ask questions of whats wrong. Because I'm liable to say ALOT IS WRONG IDOT I JUST LOST MY BABY..isn't it written in scarlett letter on my forehead that my kid is GONE! So, for that I count my blessings. The day that happens I'm asking now for forgiveness to that unlucky passer by. Nick loves Nathan's shoes. They are 2 sizes to big he will where them anyway. I guess a way from him to feel closer to his brother so I allow this hoping he doesn't get blisters. Nick has gotten to where he says he doesn't want to go to church because he feels left out. Nathan always had a way of bridgeing the gap and was Nicks intrepter for awhile. Meaning Nick has always had a hard time with speech and not being clear and Nathan helped him. Always letting Nick tag along with him and the older boys. He's favorite phrase is "I'm bored" poor guy just wants a friend to play with. He got so used to adapting to Nathan and his older friends. My heart breaks for him and Natalie. Its one thing to know your kids get hurt riding there bike or scrape a knee. We know this is tempary it will heal in time, but with this...I know they will always have a hurt here I can never fill or fix. Oh, what I wouldn't give. I have avoided really paying attention to the primary room at church where the children go and have singing and sharing time. For reasons I don't know..I should've probably addressed my feelings there. Today was the day I'd face it. To really give it my full attention and in away for me a different kind of realization that YEP he is GONE! To look in and see his chair that he always prefered. I mean I can see it clearly. How he sat and crossed his legs just so and seeing him lick his lips because they stayed so dry and wouldn't keep up with chapstick to save his life. Seeing him in his long sleeve white dress shirt with grey slacks and nope not a tie forget it. And his blonde hair and cow lick that if I let go uncut for to long he was complaining. But I often forgot as Life got in the way and busy doing other things. But this image is like a movie I can see in my head. I was a primary teacher for the 8 yr olds which is Nathans group but I had the other group. I didn't want to teach my own child. Just never works out I've done that before. But I can clearly remember all the times I looked over and glanced at him during singing time and how he hated to be picked to do anything because he was so shy but he'd go up cause he was asked. As I looked in from the side the overwhelming feeling came and I cried...tears just streaming down my face. I didn't mean to release the flood gates or for anyone to see me. Honestly it felt as if the world just had me in it. As I watched this movie in my memory. But people came up to me and asked if I was ok. And then I realized I wasn't in private anymore. I wanted to get up on the primary table and SCREAM! Do you not see it or feel someone missing? Do you not care? Why can't you just stop for me for a WHOLE MIN and acknowledge MY SON is no LONGER here!! Notice that my heart is a MILLION pieces over here and I have no way of knowing how this jigsaw puzzle of whats left of it WILL or ever CAN be repaired. I know people don't know what to say to me when they see me. Or if its ok to talk about it...Let me just say...I LUV talking about Nathan. He was my WORLD! I could talk about him all day every day. Don't avoid it. Talk to me about it. I'm dying inside to talk about it. Talking about him keeps him alive for me. After awhile a few great sisters let me talk about what i was thinking and try and explain it. One suggested I get a preisthood blessing. Not something I would've thought to do or probably even asked for if on my own. After a while our Bishop came around the cornor and saw my tear streaked face and asked how i was and one of the ladies suggested I get a blessing and he offered to administer one to me. We traveled to his office and I sat there just cried a river of tears. I'm not sure if anything I said made sense as I was feeling so much during those moments in his office. I do know it was just what I needed right then. The blessing blessed me with peace and that in those hard moments I'd feel Nathan by my side bouying me up almost. Tears flowed from my face the entire time and after he finished I could hear nathan saying to me "see mom, I told you it was gonna be ok". Then the tears fell again. I needed to hear him at that moment and in my minds eye i saw his beautiful smile and the gleam he had in his eyes as he smiled. Knowing it is really all gonna be ok. This is a process and this is but a season in my life. A dark one, but a season none the less. This picture I have in my head most LDS members have seen its one of Jeasus welcoming home his son saying job well done. I'm gonna post a few of the pics that have brought me some peace the past few days and the one that is sorda like the one I'm describing. I tried to google the one I have the mental image of and the words at the bottom but I can't find it so this one is similar. At the end of today as I ready myself for bed I reflect on the events of today..its been a hard emotional one, but I reassure myself that this is just season and things will get better and tomorrow is a new day.