A Month Later....

As the title tells the obvious today is the 1 month mark that Nathan left us. I have just about a million thoughts and feelings swirling through me today on this day that seems to have arrived to fast. Feels like we've been on this roller coaster ride that just has done nothing but looped to loops. And i'm just screaming let me off...the irony is i luv a good roller coaster the difference here of course is one that's been an emotional roller coaster that i'd have GLADLY opted out of. I got up this morning not thinking I'd go to the cemetary. My outlook on going is one that's simple. If i feel it I go I don't force it or say its the marked day. I don't push this. Today was not one I needed to go this AM but about 1230 pm i was moving pics to a flash drive that's Nathan's special one with all his pics on and an overwhelming feeling to go overcame me. I knew I had to get there before 1:56..That's the exact time we shut the machines off and Nathan "officially" and medically left this world. I feel in my heart his spirit passed much sooner and I was just fighting for my baby..anyhow, I rushed out of here to Walmart to get some flowers as I hate to go empty handed. Anything I can do to make my babies place of rest beautiful while I'm there I'll do. Flowers add something sweet and simple to a place like that. I never really understood why u lay flowers or go all out on a place that just screams sadness. I'm sorry...I'm sure some would say that this is a place of refuge for them. And maybe as time passes and things aren't so raw that will be the case. For now, this place is the place where my baby is at rest till the day he rises and I can finish my job of raising him. And that for me is a sad place at this moment in time. One of kisses never to be given and one I can't hold and rock him when i so wish i could do that. One I have to leave and turn and say "goodbye Nathan" all over again. Yep, this is just a bit much for one mother to bare for now. For whatever reason I rushed down there luckily without accident or traffic violations, but I indeed made it at 1:40. So I sat my blanket out I take each time I go and picked up the old stems of what I laid out the last time I was there. Of course they are wilted and old and not one that I'd want my baby to see. As that's for sure depressing. And laid ever so gracefully a bouquet of the most beautiful daisies I'd ever laid my eyes on. Blues, Purples, Yellows, Oranges...the most beautiful mixture. And I laid there.. Felt the wind on my face and felt the tears fall. I didn't stop what was sure to come. The weeping of what was... could've been and what I will one day have. Yes you say. A lot. But I let it come as this is a process. As the time came I just laid there and let time pass as quickly or slowly as it needed to. I wasn't there when they declared him gone so this was i guess a way for me to say that "goodbye" one needs from that moment. I did get a goodbye when he was still connected to the machines, and after they were unhooked i again went back and saw what was left of my beautiful son. I sang to him then and I sang again. As something about the words to a song can say so much when just speaking can be to much or u can't exactly express what ur really feeling. Music has always had that affect on me. And so I let that gift guide me. And I sang. I know my Nathan was there. And he heard my words just as I felt him there when I sang in the hospital. I do want to thank Sis Hughes for meeting me there. She arrived shortly after 2 and sat with me till i felt ready to go. It was nice to not have quiet after those moments. I still feel Nathan in this house from time to time. I go to his room and look around and see a movie in my head of our last time in there. Was not one of happiness but one of fear of not knowing what was wrong with my baby. One that I hope I remember but can put it in its respective place amongst the many memories I have. Not be what happens to come to mind first. Then I pass by the bathroom the children share and think back to bathing him and brushing his teeth that final day. And I smile and a tear or two will usually follow. This is one of my most beautiful memories and am so GRATEFUL I had and I can still see so visually in my mind. I had a meeting with our Bishop on Sunday with Nick. And he said something that I think I'll reflect on all the days of my life. He said "If you look back on the past few months you will see Heavenly Father's hand in this where he prepared you for this." I was taken aback. Prepared? Seriously? Well, whatever that was I wasn't by any means prepared, but I will do that all the days of my life.. seek to not make sense of this because there's never a good explanation to loosing a child that will satisfy any mother, but see where the LORDS had has been the past few months and where his hand continues to be as we travel this path. I know my son left my hands as i held them and said Goodbye sweet boy I'll celebrate you all the days of my life.... to our Heavenly Father's.