Things I'd Wish'd For...

I have tons to blog about tonite...and a few things I'll post on here but can't find away to move them from my phone and email to myself to post on here so I'll do it from my phone so that everyone can see. Katie finally sent over the balloon release clip/video she did from the Nicks party. So excited to share that. My heart is very full today. And Nathan has been close to my thoughts the past few days. As I've taken Natalie and Nick to 6 flags my nearest and dearest friend Monika Stoker. We've been friends for 12 yrs. Our kids for the most part are the same age. She's been there with me everyday down this journey and I know she'll be there throughout my life. So, when we planned this trip to take the kids I knew we'd have fun. I have a list of things I've promised Natalie and Nick we'd do this summer since Nathan's passing and this made the list. Nathan didn't get to go to any of these places. Due to his foot surgery's and pain or my complacantcy as a mother. Which I regret. I didn't give him near enough experiances in his young life. So much I wanted to do and probably should've done. They had an amazing time. It was of course hot but they endured it. All the while saying "Man, Nate would've loved this." And me saying "yes he would've but guess what he's here in our hearts loving it just as much." The kids are accepting this and making peace with that phrase. I'm sure it gets old and at times frustrating for them after all they've just lost there very best friend..who am I to keep telling them he's here in our hearts when they want him here with us in person. I get that read on there faces all to often, but its my job as a mother to keep telling them that Nathan isn't here in person but not really all that far away. I sometimes tear up about this because what I wouldn't do to just change this or let them have a moment in time with there brother. For us to keep on keeping on I have to be repetitious and at times I think its for myself more. I find myself having those moments of "Is this real?" "Did I really just lose my son?" and not being able to wrap my mind around it. Its been on my mind how I wish I could have kept a journal while Nathan was a baby. I've been writting poems and stories from my imagination since I was a small child..Why oh Why did I not write about my son as a baby? Why did I not record those moments in time that would mean so much now? When your child is gone for good..and your sitting in your most darkest hours and your replaying your own memories or in my head they play out as movies of my time with him...what do I really have? I have small moments in time but there faded. Not at the fore front of my recollection. Almost like a black and white movie that skips parts. When if I'd just taken the 5 mins from LIFE and I'd have a color version that is in one piece. Besides journaling what else do I wish I had? PICTURES....this i'm sure is the first thing one would think of. When I had to say goodbye to Nathan I panicked. Why you ask? I knew i wasn't much of a picture taker in fact I'm sure my friends and family would be the first to tell you I rely on there camera/phone to take pictures if something of sorts needs recorded in history. Oh how I wish I'd done better. I swear after Natalie I got second and third child syndrome. Oh, come on you mothers know what I'm talking about. Where you take TONS of pics of your first child. You go every 6 months to do pics or keep that camera not far away then when the next ones come you slack off and its not that important. This is one thing I'd have for sure done differently. Not just for myself and my own photograph books, but for my  other kids. You don't have these babies and anticipate the worst thing that could in fact happen...that Heavenly Father will call them back home. With this I have now changed how I view these tangible things. My whole life all I ever wanted to do and be was a stay at home mother and have tons of babies. It was never in the plan I'd out live one of them. Its happened none the less and now I'm here sharing the things I would do so differently. My kids are the one constant in my life.