Notes From Heaven...

I know its been awhile since I've updated this blog..I've been such a ray of different emotions the past few weeks. Trying to figure out which emotion I am that its hard seeing how I go through every end of the spectrum. Happy, content, angry,grief stricken, depressed, sad, overwhelmed, frustrated, boggled and then it starts all over again. Each emotion has a different realization with a different sort of acceptance has to happen each day. I don't know that I'll ever really be able to have COMPLETE and udder acceptance of the fact that my son is gone and these emotions are what I'll carry muddling through them for all the days of my life. Each one leaves behind a different sort of loneliness that Nathan's sweet smile is what I long to see. I find myself in the boys room laying on what was once both there bed and cry. The blanket that lays on Nicks bed is the one that our dear friend made with Nathan's clothes and smell them thinking and praying I can get a whiff of what was once my son's smell, but of course its been washed one to many times for it to still linger..that brings on another round of clothes. I look at the artwork he drew on the wall and wonder if I'll ever be able to paint over it since he used his intresting imagination on the RED wall. I don't know that I'll ever be able too..tears fall again as I wonder if that means I can't move on and leave this house that I so desperately need to be away from. Laying there brings on another realization that I'm laying in one of the last spots he laid in before he left me behind. When I had no idea that I was going to be saying goodbye to my life. Memories of that day have flooded my mind as I washed him and asked him to please stay with me. But he just couldn't because this is what was supposed to happen I suppose. I write this experience out because it has happened more than once. I have found myself walking to the boys room in the middle of the night hoping to find peace or something there but all I see is Nick sleeping alone....i always hope its soundly  with sweet dreams his way. As he sleeps in the bed he shared memories and secrets with his best friend. Today I was cleaning the kitchen's bill box out to rid it of old receipts and old check registers i have no use for anymore. I found the sweetest note from heaven in there....you can't tell me it wasn't heaven sent because I had forgotten such a note was ever written but I do recall seeing it long ago. It was a card Nathan drew that say I love you Mommy on it with written in his almost unreadable handwriting. On the inside was a heart with me and I in it. I just fell to the floor in tears and held this card like it was the most expensive piece of artwork. I knew it was meant for me to find today this day after having a week of crazyness in my life I needed to know how much my son that's no longer here loved me....I have often wondered if I did enough as his mother was what he needed me to be when he needed me. I didn't get a chance to tell him or hear those words and when I read that my heart was full..I was ENOUGH! Going to church has become so hard for me. Every song has a different meaning for me than it ever did and I end up in tears the whole 3 hrs. The kids have a primary program coming up and Natalie has a speaking part and I know I have to get the courage up to go and hear her...but that also means I have to hear the kids sing and hear a program that my son should be apart of. I just am filled with so much uncertainty of how that will go and I'll deal with that. I pray I can go I want to support Natalie. As I close this and end my night I am grateful for the sweet Note from Heaven...Oh how I do indeed love you to and miss you everyday sweet boy...MWAH!