Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Working Through It...

Hello world...its been awhile since I've blogged but I had sooo much going on the past little while. I've been on this wild emotional roller coaster that is this "single" mother of 2 kids. I say single because really the Army has made me a single mother. One that I despise daily but accept because I have to. Now you add the "brieved" parent aspect into and you have yourself a whole other load of labels. I HATE it I really do I think I do well at being the "single" mother but the brieved part I haven't figured out. I cry for no reason and I find lately I cry when its silent and I feel I'm in the shadows of this house that's WAY to over crowded with memories of my son that's no longer here. I'm reminded everyday from a song he loved on the radio..to seein his bike in my garage that just sits and is now collecting dust...to a small steralite plastic box that has everything from pictures, a shirt, and documents, plaster of his hand print, a few things he made, but none the less its everything from 8 yrs of a life that ended way to soon. I look at this box and think REALLY? This box and a few stretch marks on my stomach and that's it. Its over... I've hit an angry stage that I'm trying to work through and understand cause honestly I'm not a bitter angry person, but its feelings I'm trying to process. Angry I had to do this, bury a child one thing that I never expected I'd have to do and actually live through it with a bit of SMALL sanity. Angry that I'm impatient and feel snappy. Angry that I'm changing as a person and I don't know what that means and who that will turn out to be. Angry that as I'm changing others aren't and there expectations of me are staying the same. Only I'm not the same and that person they knew is dead and gone. I'm angry that some people will be able to walk this journey with me and some will not only becausew my life is now different and its to much for them which in turn for me is another loss I'll have to deal with. See...I'm discovering that with the loss of  my son has come the loss of parts of myself and loss of relationships I've had. Sometimes that feels almost sufficating and I panic..just sheer panic and I have to remind myself to breathe. I'm learning to be grateful for the friends that will be able to journey with me..and for there being able to change there expectations of me which I know at times will be hard, you guys are such lights in my life and keep me in a place that makes this journey able to be traveled. I went to support group last night and I cried the whole hr and 15 mins...it was one of those soul cleansing cries only my soul didn't feel cleansed afterward it only felt hollow, lonely, and utter exhausted. When i was offered the chance to express what it was that I was feeling i cried harder because honestly I had so much emotion I couldn't speak for a min. I've had pure panic this week that Nathan's all but forgotten. The boy who's smile lit up his eyes. The boy who'd ride his bike to the end of the street for the prettiest girl to escort her to school every morning...he got up extra early to do that because her mother would only let her ride her bike unless Nathan was with her. Now I cry as I remember this because he took that responsibility so seriously and never took it lightly that he was entrusted to get her to school safely. Tears are flowing again and they come rapidly as things about Nathan come to mind. As I sit and ponder why this had to happen to us. Why I had to be forever changed without my consent by one drastic event. In therapy today I came to the conclusion I have to let this event of losing Nathan be an ASPECT of my life that just is and process through it...NOT let it DEFINE me....

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